I've heard some of these before, but they're still funny.....   Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?     A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.    Q. What's a mixed feeling?     A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.  Q. What's the height of conceit?  A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.  Q. What's the definition of ma...

Don't ask me how, but I stumbled across a site devoted to epitaphs earlier.  The things people have put on their tombstones....   When I am dead and in my grave, and all my bones are rotten. While reading this you'll think of me when I am long forgotten!   Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas pedal Instead of the brake   She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her   Here lies the body...

Friday night, alone again.....so what am I doing tonight, I hear you ask?  Am I going to make up for last Friday night spent cleaning the oven and go out on the town?  Get drunk, dance my ass off, have a 3am breakfast and hit up some yard sales on my way home tomorrow morning?   No, I'm staying home and I'm doing the ironing. This seals it!  I am soooo pathetic!!!  Hahah!!  I'm almost 35 and I can think of nothing more fun to do on a Friday night than stay ...

We went to the St louis zoo on Saturday. We filled up our camelbaks and packed our lunches, and off we went on the Metrolink tram to Forest Park and the zoo.  It was a beautiful day, about 80 degrees and sunny, and we had a really good time.  We strolled around, looking at the animals and also at the statues that decorate the zoo. They usually depict a man (presumably the founder of the zoo) with various animals.  In front of the reptile house there's one of a man with a b...

From: God Almighty To: Margeuritte Perrin Date: November 10, 2005 re: Appearance on Trading Spouses. Per our discussion over the last several months and in view of your apperance on Trading Spouses, it has been decided that we are suspending your Membership in the God Warrior club. As I previously stressed to you in your nightly prayers, I am a God of Love and Forgiveness, and I do not wish to have myself nor any of my staff portrayed as vengeful and furious. This is not the image t...

This is for all of us who grew up in the 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's. We survived being born to mothers who smoked and drank whilst they were pregnant with us. They took asprin, ate blue cheese and brie, ate tuna from a can and never got tested for diabetes....not to mention cleaning out cat boxes. After our arrival, our cribs and rooms were decorated with lead based paints. We had no childproof medicine bottles, no latches on cabinet doors, no outlet covers.  When we rode our bik...

   16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife    _  _   _  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ 16.  Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes.  Then she's yours. --(Deuteronomy 21, v. 12-13) 15.  Find a prostitute and marry her. --Hosea  (Hosea 1, v. 1)   14.  Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock....

(I particularly like numbers 11 and 13.....) 1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there. 5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He set low personal stan...

(These got forwarded to me via Email.....I have no idea who the original author is)     1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.   2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.   3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the to...

This blog is dedicated to the mullet, and all the mullet stylin' dudes...may you wear your mullets with pride (and give the rest of us hours more entertainment)! First, we have the 'Play some Skynrd, dude!' mullet.  The wearer of this mullet usually owns a Camaro or Firebird and has a penchant for black t shirts and hi-top tennis shoes: Next, we have the 'I'm just gorgeous' mullet. The wearer of this style can be identified by his excessive use of 'Old Spice' and 'Aqua Net' hair...