How Dharma got her groove back

Published on November 30, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

I've been sick of myself lately. I've had a constant sense of self-loathing because of how I've felt, because who I've been in the past few weeks/months just isn't me. In fact, I felt like I had started to lose myself.

I have a pretty strong sense of self. It took me long enough to develop it - I was 30 before I really liked myself and what I was about. I guess not knowing who I was until that age has made me cherish 'me', as narcissistic as that sounds.

But recently.....I've felt 'me' shrinking. Decreasing, hiding, standing in the shadows. I've been sad. I lost my self confidence. I became insecure. I started to really detest who I was becoming.

Why did this happen? I have a few reasons. First of all, I've had a major lifestyle change. Having surgery really took the wind out of my sails. Secondly.....well, things at home aren't as great as they should be. Do we love each other? Yes. Do I feel loved? No. Do I feel desired? No. do I feel wanted or valuable? No. Dave is a great guy, but he can be venemous. He has a mouth that insults seem to flow from, and things can get pretty ugly around here. He knows it, I know it. He's apologized, but... you can't unsay things, you dig? So, add those insults to an already diminished sense of self, to a dented confidence...and you have yourself an insecure, hyper-sensitive wreck of a human being. AKA me.

So this past weekend, I decided to set about reclaiming myself. I made plans to go into town today, down to St Louis city center. I wanted to see if some time in a more bohemian atmosphere would help me reclaim that which I felt I was losing.

I did. I was only in town for a few hours, but.....it was so great, y'all. So, so much fun. I rode the Metro in, and got to talking to a lady on the way in about the wart in Iraq - and she agreed with me. With ME. see, Dave doesn't like to talk politics with me. I don't know why. He doesn't like to talk about a lot of things with me.....he says I'm too 'deep'. Maybe I am, maybe I AM too deep and too intense. But it makes me happy to debate and discuss, I gain a geat deal of satisfaction from it. I found that 20 minute conversation with a stranger incredibly satisfying. Why is that? Why can I gain more...validation, I guess, from a total stranget than I can from someone who I have spent a third of my life with?

I walked around town, I got some lunch. Someone else made a comment about my 'style' and how well I dressed. I soaked up the atmosphere, I people watched...... I came back refreshed, invigorated, with a renewed sense of self, unashamed of who I am and what I'm about.

I feel like I'm getting my groove back. I'm remembering who I am, what I stand for. I'm feeling validated and worthwhile...not stupid and a thorn in someone's side like I've been feeling for the past 5 months.

This afternoon, I feel alive. More alive than I have in weeks. And, I'm going to make a point of going into town at least once a week. I'll go to Forest Park, to the art and natural history museums, to the science center....to The Arch and The Loop and the cafes and coffee bars and secondhand bookstores and the bohemian clothing shops. I'll soak up the atmosphere, and I'll know that I am not alone, than I am not worthless or stupid or ugly.

I will be ME. And I will love it.

Comments (Page 1)

Texas Wahine

on Nov 30, 2005

Good for you.

This is going to sound trite, please forgive me, but it made me think about the movie we watched last night. Sky High. A kid's movie, I know, but in the movie, many of the kids were assigned to be sidekicks, or hero support.

They were belittled and expected to fawn over the "heroes" and never really make full use of their own powers.

As mothers and wives, and especially as military spouses, we are expected to be "hero support." It's all about someone else, and often we miss out on opportunities to use our "powers" and impact our own lives and the lives of others beyond what we do to help our children and our spouses succeed.

You are a superhero, with a myriad of powers, dharma. To direct them all toward making other people look good and helping other people succeed is a waste of your full talents. Sometimes instead of handing the weapon to the hero, you have to take the shot yourself.

I think it's a really good idea for you to step outside of the place where you are expected to be the sidekick and enjoy an atmosphere where you stand out and you feel important and not overshadowed or overlooked.

I'm glad to see you feeling spunky and dharma-y again.

Shovelheat

on Nov 30, 2005

I'm glad to see you feeling spunky and dharma-y again.

Me too. I know you deserve it, girl.

dharmagrl

on Nov 30, 2005

As mothers and wives, and especially as military spouses, we are expected to be "hero support." It's all about someone else

Yes! You get it! Thank you...in that one sentence, you summed up EXACTLY what I was trying to say!

Sometimes instead of handing the weapon to the hero, you have to take the shot yourself.

You're right, I do. I need to step out of his shadow.

I think it's a really good idea for you to step outside of the place where you are expected to be the sidekick and enjoy an atmosphere where you stand out and you feel important and not overshadowed or overlooked.

I'm glad to see you feeling spunky and dharma-y again.

Thank you ever so much, Tex. You have managed to make me get all teary....I'm just really happy that you understand what I'm trying to say and where I'm coming from. I DO need to feel important for ME...not because I'm someone's momma or someone's wife. ME.

Thanks, Brandie. Your kind words really mean a lot to me

I'm back. And I LOVE it.

Locamama

on Nov 30, 2005

Good for you, Dharma! You should start making it a date, maybe once a month. It can make the rest so much more bearable if you have your little escape to look forward too.

And you are definatley not alone. You are smart and fabulous person. We all know it even if you forget it sometimes.

Dan Kaschel

on Nov 30, 2005

I think validation from a stranger is so powerful because it's validation from a person who has no obligation to make you happy or make you feel valuable. Who has no stock at all in your wellbeing, actually. So if they validate you, it's because whatever you said is worth validating.

Good for you, Dharma! You should start making it a date, maybe once a month

I think she said she was planning on doing it once a week.

Dan

Locamama

on Nov 30, 2005

I think she said she was planning on doing it once a week.

oops I guess I didn't read that close enough. Weekly is even better.

alison watkins

on Nov 30, 2005

Don't forget to go to "Dego Hill" and get some good food! They have some kick ass Italian resturaunts and second hand shops out that way. St. Louis is a cool place...Hardin has some relatives out that way.

I'm glad to hear you are regaining yourself. It's important to not lose yourself...I am going through similar things, myself. Like you, I'm quirky...I like to dress a certain way...and I like to wear my hair in a mohawk on occasion, but that's kind of hard for a school teacher to pull off. I'm trying to separate my professional self from my personal self...it too, is an odd balance.

MarcieMoo

on Nov 30, 2005

I think it says a lot about who you are that you don't just sit and wallow in yourself--it's SO easy to do that. You went out because you knew that you were feeling bummed, and you took care of your needs.

I think that's awesome, K. Good for you. Because if you lose yourself...no one else can find you...you know?

Spc Nobody Special

on Nov 30, 2005

But recently.....I've felt 'me' shrinking. Decreasing, hiding, standing in the shadows. I've been sad. I lost my self confidence. I became insecure. I started to really detest who I was becoming.

Wow. Sorry about that, I didn't know my thoughts echoed that far. You must have picked up some of my negative umm.....well everything. Now I'm feeling better, but for weird reasons. Even though I'm going back to something I hated at the time, and I know will suck at various points throughout the future, now that I've made a decision, and have a sense of direction again, I'm feeling much more in control of myself and the world around me. Confident.......alert............good.

Now I've just gotta pick again between MI and the band...............damn. (but who cares, as long as I'm not a korean linguist anymore, all is right with the world.

Tova7

on Nov 30, 2005

dharmagrl

on Nov 30, 2005

I know you deserve it, girl

Thank you. Your words are always meaningful, Joe.

It can make the rest so much more bearable if you have your little escape to look forward too.

Hell yes it can!

This is true. Very insightful, Dan.

Like you, I'm quirky...I like to dress a certain way...and I like to wear my hair in a mohawk on occasion, but that's kind of hard for a school teacher to pull off. I'm trying to separate my professional self from my personal self...it too, is an odd balance.

Man, I had SUCH a hard time working at legal...I had to curb my individuality so's I wouldn't appear too rebellious. I can't exactly execute wills with green streaks in my hair, that just won't fly. So, I took it as far as I could whilst still remaining professional - I went for scarlet streaks instead of green, wore some vintage clothes and funky accessories....I worked it as hard as I could!

It took me 2, almost 3 weeks of wallowing before I dragged myself out of it though, Marcie. It shouldn't have taken me that long....but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. The important thing is that I did kick myself in the ass eventually, and I won't wait this long next time.

Even though I'm going back to something I hated at the time, and I know will suck at various points throughout the future, now that I've made a decision, and have a sense of direction again, I'm feeling much more in control of myself and the world around me.

I know how that feels. I'm glad that you have made a decision...and that you're feeling better about yourself.

Now I've just gotta pick again between MI and the band...............damn. (but who cares, as long as I'm not a korean linguist anymore, all is right with the world.

Band, band, band. Can you join the AF band?

ParaTed2k

on Nov 30, 2005

Not to take your appreciation from the stranger, but what she did was help you validate yourself, to yourself. You headed for a place where you would feel comfortable being you, no matter what.

Ok, that will be $100 for that 50 minute hour. ;~D

I've worried about you. For all your tough talk and "yes, I know" attitude, your articles of late have been anything but. Not that there's anything wrong with venting the sadness in your life, but yours just went a little deeper than vent... it was, as you say, part of your assessment of yourself.

Glad to see you recognized the change, even more glad to hear that you knew what to do about it, and elated that you went out and did it!

dharmagrl

on Nov 30, 2005

I've worried about you. For all your tough talk and "yes, I know" attitude, your articles of late have been anything but. Not that there's anything wrong with venting the sadness in your life, but yours just went a little deeper than vent... it was, as you say, part of your assessment of yourself.

Glad to see you recognized the change, even more glad to hear that you knew what to do about it, and elated that you went out and did it!

I've been worried about myself, Ted. I know I haven't been myself, and you obviously have too. I knew that I had to do something about it....but man, was it ever hard to get up the guts to go into town by myself today. My self-confidence is at an all time low....I really thought last night that it would be easier to NOT go. But, I made myself get up, shower, and I even wore make-up (I used to wear it every day, but recently I haven't been able to get motivated enough to put any on)....and off I went.

I AM going to do this at least once a week. It costs less than $5 for an all-day metro pass, and the museums and the zoo are free. That's less than the price of a combo burger meal, and the effects are much more pleasant!

When is a good time to call you, Ted? I don't want to interrupt your family time....

Moderateman

on Nov 30, 2005

At A loss for words D, Although I cannot claim to "know" you
I think no one should feel unloved or dissed.

MM sends {{{{{{[D}}}}}}}} huge bear hug

dharmagrl

on Nov 30, 2005

Although I cannot claim to "know" you
I think no one should feel unloved or dissed.

MM sends {{{{{{[D}}}}}}}} huge bear hug

Thanks, MM.

I sometimes think that you guys here know me better than he does..

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