I've been sick of myself lately.   I've had a constant sense of self-loathing because of how I've felt, because who I've been in the past few weeks/months just isn't me.  In fact, I felt like I had started to lose myself.

I have a pretty strong sense of self.  It took me long enough to develop it - I was 30 before I really liked myself and what I was about.  I guess not knowing who I was until that age has made me cherish 'me', as narcissistic as that sounds. 

But recently.....I've felt 'me' shrinking.  Decreasing, hiding, standing in the shadows.  I've been sad.  I lost my self confidence.  I became insecure.  I started to really detest who I was becoming.

Why did this happen?  I have a few reasons.  First of all, I've had a major lifestyle change.  Having surgery really took the wind out of my sails.  Secondly.....well, things at home aren't as great as they should be.  Do we love each other?  Yes.  Do I feel loved?  No.  Do I feel desired?  No.  do I feel wanted or valuable?  No.  Dave is a great guy, but he can be venemous.  He has a mouth that insults seem to flow from, and things can get pretty ugly around here. He knows it, I know it.  He's apologized, but... you can't unsay things, you dig?  So, add those insults to an already diminished sense of self, to a dented confidence...and you have yourself an insecure, hyper-sensitive wreck of a human being.  AKA me.

So this past weekend, I decided to set about reclaiming myself.  I made plans to go into town today, down to St Louis city center.  I wanted to see if some time in a more bohemian atmosphere would help me reclaim that which I felt I was losing.

I did.  I was only in town for a few hours, but.....it was so great, y'all.  So, so much fun.  I rode the Metro in, and got to talking to a lady on the way in about the wart in Iraq - and she agreed with me. With ME.  see, Dave doesn't like to talk politics with me.  I don't know why.  He doesn't like to talk about a lot of things with me.....he says I'm too 'deep'.  Maybe I am, maybe I AM too deep and too intense.  But it makes me happy to debate and discuss, I gain a geat deal of satisfaction from it.  I found that 20 minute conversation with a stranger incredibly satisfying.  Why is that?  Why can I gain more...validation, I guess, from a total stranget than I can from someone who I have spent a third of my life with? 

  I walked around town, I got some lunch.  Someone else made a comment about my 'style' and how well I dressed.  I soaked up the atmosphere, I people watched...... I came back refreshed, invigorated, with a renewed sense of self, unashamed of who I am and what I'm about.

I feel like I'm getting my groove back.  I'm remembering who I am, what I stand for.  I'm feeling validated and worthwhile...not stupid and a thorn in someone's side like I've been feeling for the past 5 months.

This afternoon, I feel alive.  More alive than I have in weeks.  And, I'm going to make a point of going into town at least once a week.  I'll go to Forest Park, to the art and natural history museums, to the science center....to The Arch and The Loop and the cafes and coffee bars and secondhand bookstores and the bohemian clothing shops.  I'll soak up the atmosphere, and I'll know that I am not alone, than I am not worthless or stupid or ugly.

I will be ME.  And I will love it.