Acceptance of fact.

Published on November 18, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

Dr Guy made a comment on a previous article about how my husband and I seem to have accepted that he might have to redeploy in January. The response I wrote to him got me thinking about the way I see things regarding deployments and TDY's and military affairs that cause our loved ones to leave us for months and sometimes years at a time....so I decided to make a full article out of it. Please forgive me if I ramble, I'm writing this as it comes to me.

As far as I'm concerned, there are four things in my life of which I am absolutely sure: that my husband loves me, that I will one day die, that as long as I'm alive I'll pay taxes in one form or another, and that he will, over the remainder of his military career, deploy again. And again. And again...and then probably some more.

I guess that I don't fully understand the people who divorce because of deployments. I can understand that they can't take the separations and the lonlieness - I know how bad that pain can be. But what I don't understand is their solution to that problem. Because they can't handle being apart, they take measures to separate themselves from each other permanently. Doesn't make sense to me.

So, as said - I know and he knows that he's going to deploy again. It's a fact. Because it's a fact, we have to deal with it. There are a number of ways to do just that, but the main two that I've seen put into operation are as follows:

The wife resents the husband's deploying and lets that resentment cloud everything she does and says. She can't get over that he's leaving again and she'll once again be alone with the kids and the house and all the accoutrements that come with a marriage, house, and children. She's miserable, and her misery rubs off on everyone else. There are fights about him leaving, there are accusations of abandonment, there's a whole lot of sadness and heartache and a lot of mean words are said in anger and out of spite. The closer the deploy date gets, the worse the fear of the upcoming months of solitude and the resentment get...and the worse the fights get. By the time he leaves they're both bitter and angry and tired of hearing each other. She kisses him goodbye with resentment and anger in her heart, and then goes home to spend the next however many months regretting all the things she said to him that hurt him and wallow in her insecurities. She was mean to him, she made him and herself miserable, and now she worries that he'll remember her that way and will meet someone 'over there' that makes him happier than she did before he left. She's hurt, he's hurt, and no matter how hard they try they can't seem to patch things up and convey to the other just how sorry they really are.

The second scenario is this:

The wife is upset that her husband has to leave again. She doesn't want him to go, but understands that he has to. She tries her best to make the time that they have left together as memorable as possible; to try and fit some serious quality time into the days preceeding the deploy date. She's determined to give him the best of herself, to remind him of why he married her, to show him just how damn much she loves him so that when they're apart they'll have some awesome memories of their time together to carry them through. By the time he leaves they're acting like they're newlyweds and have realized just how much they mean to each other...and they also have a renewed comittment to their marriage and are determined to not let something as relatively trivial as a deployment break their union. She kisses him goodbye with tears in her eyes and her heart near bursting because it's so full of love, then goes home and reminisces about how much she loves him and how good they are together.

I've seen the above described scenarios played out too many times to count - and I've been a player in both of them myself. I know from personal experience that kissing him goodbye with anger is a good way to guilt and worry yourself near to death and perpetuate the misery that you felt before he left. I know too that kissing him goodbye with your heart overflowing with love really hurts; in fact it's probably more painful than being angry and spiteful....but there's no guilt, no insecurity to beat oneself up with. There's only love, and the pain that comes from being separated from the one you love above all others. I'll take love over insecurity and guilt, any day.

When I was Key Spouse, I used to counsel other wives that "You can kiss him goodbye with a smile on your face, or you can kiss him goodbye with a scowl. Either way, you're going to have to kiss him goodbye". It's true. He's going to leave, no matter how you send him off. I guess the thing that you have to ask yourself is how you want him to remember you when he's gone; how you want to remember him when you're home alone.

You'd have to be incredibly stupid, incredibly selfish, or lying to yourself about the state of your marriage and whether you really love him if you choose the first scenario over the second.

For me...well, there's no choice. There's only one way I'm letting go of my love, and it's not with bitterness and spite.

Comments (Page 1)

Moderateman

on Nov 18, 2005

and the difference is < you are a big girl and make sound decisions, while the others are children that want what they want and if they cannot have it they throw a fit.

dharmagrl

on Nov 18, 2005

and the difference is < you are a big girl and make sound decisions, while the others are children that want what they want and if they cannot have it they throw a fit.

I grew up, MM.

Tova7

on Nov 18, 2005

I agree with your article D.

I think people who get divorced though, aren't doing it for frivolous reasons. You know how high infidelity is in the AF. But, putting that aside, I can see how many marriages end in divorce.

My husband was friends with a Col (at the time) once who got divorced. His wife stuck by him through thick and thin, they had two kids. She raised them pretty much all by herself in great places and some just not fit to live in to hear her stories.

After twenty years of this kinda life (he was staying minimum 30) she decided she wanted a full time husband, a full time partner. She felt (and I agree to some extent, and so did the Col) that she was exhausted from all the moves every 18 months typically, all the demands on her time, and mostly from carrying it by herself for so long. She told me she woke up one day and realized "I am alone most of the time, and this will be my life for the next ten years. I got married to be together, not apart. I don't want to me a single married woman anymore." (That's the jist, but of course not her exact words, it was almost ten years ago.)

So they divorced and she took the kids and settled down. He left of course and within no time was married to a twenty something young woman who had stars in her eyes and said all the right things about being a supportive military wife. I liked his new wife the few times I saw her when he visited my husband.

They had a baby about two years after they got married.

My husband's friend is a General now, and he calls often and we see him when he's in town. He told us last month that he and his wife are separated. She went back home to her parents because she was tired of being alone.

The sad thing is, he is retiring. I hope they work it out. But frankly it doesn't look good.

So I can understand how it ends marriages that otherwise maybe woulda been ok. Separation is nothing to take lightly that is for sure.

Whew, sorry for such a long reply.

Texas Wahine

on Nov 18, 2005

Deployment can have a positive impact on a marriage or it can stress it to the breaking point. Different people can endure and thrive under those circumstances while others crack. The problem is, until you go through a deployment, you can't really know which type of couple you are.

The deployment pace has contributed to a large increase in Army divorces, particularly among Officers.

We all just have to get through it the best we can...supporting our spouses and supporting our fellow military wives.

dharmagrl

on Nov 18, 2005

I think people who get divorced though, aren't doing it for frivolous reasons. You know how high infidelity is in the AF. But, putting that aside, I can see how many marriages end in divorce.

Oh, I can too. Don't think that I'm making light of it, that wasn't my intention. But.....sometimes I don't understand the reasoning behind it. People get divorced because they can't bear the separations the accompany military life...yet the very act of divorce is one of permanent separation. So, instead of being apart from the person they love for relatively short periods of time and then having some pretty cool reunions, they're separated for good....there aren't any reunions.

she woke up one day and realized "I am alone most of the time, and this will be my life for the next ten years. I got married to be together, not apart. I don't want to me a single married woman anymore."

Oh, I understand that totally. That's how I feel sometimes too. But, I don't want to be a sinlge single woman either. I want to be married. I love Dave, and I can't/won't/don't want to be without him. That need, that desire is a very powerful thing; it's strong enough to outlast any deployment.

So I can understand how it ends marriages that otherwise maybe woulda been ok. Separation is nothing to take lightly that is for sure.

I see so many people who really truly love each other get divorced, and it makes me so sad. Military life is hard, and it's not for everyone.

The problem is, until you go through a deployment, you can't really know which type of couple you are.

That's very true. I started out being a baby about stuff, and after 4 months of guilt and insecurity I decided that it sucked too bad for me to act like that before he left the next time. It's taken me 12 years to figure this stuff out, and I STILL have days where I'm not as rational as I should be (like last Saturday, for instance).

The deployment pace has contributed to a large increase in Army divorces, particularly among Officers.

I find that interesting. I think that having to relocate every couple of years has a lot to do with that. I know that the year that Dave did in Greenland was easier in some respects than the 4 months he just did in the desert - because we had been there for years, we were established there, had friends and acquaintances and knew our way around. Here...well, we only got here last September and he deployed in March. We don't really know anyone, and the people we do know are all new to this place themselves. So, I can sort of see why the divorce rate is higher for officers. Having said that...I think that getting paid the kind of coin that Officers get would be incredibly helpful!

We all just have to get through it the best we can...supporting our spouses and supporting our fellow military wives.

Again, you speak the truth. I'm not perfect, I fail to heed my own advice sometimes....but I do the best I can with what I've got, and I help out my sisters-in-arms if and when I can. Gawd knows that I've been helped out enough in the past....I guess I feel like I owe and I'm trying to repay my debt.

MarcieMoo

on Nov 18, 2005

Very insightful into the lives of military men and women, K. It's so much different being on the outside looking in, versus being on the inside and looking out.

I don't think I could do it. I'm far too codependent. Ryan's working at WalMart right now--and all day tmorrow and Sunday. And I don't know if I can handle it! What a dork, huh?

Locamama

on Nov 18, 2005

I'm more of the cry my eyes out type. I'm not mad. I'm sad. I hate to see him go but I suck it up and do what I have to do. I think it's easier now with email to communicate with. It was harder when we could only stay in touch through letters or huge phone bills. Of course, now I treasure those letters and the emails are just gone.

In a way, I think separation helps because its so easy to take each other for granted when you are never apart. It's just hard to maintain that closeness and intimacy when you are separated. Especially when they can't talk about what they're doing and my exciting news for the day is that I went to Walmart.

Each deployment I would have to find something to keep me going. I would take an ongoing class where I actually had to get a babysitter and get out of the house, one deployment I joined the Y and I would do a spinning class and then take the boys to the pool. I really think I would have gone crazy if I didn't do something like that.

BTW, I'm still living in the fantasy world that my husband will go recruiting and then get out and not have to go on another 6 month or longer depoloyment. My husband is sea duty now but he just has detachments that are a week or two but they are constant and there is no notice. Some ways its easier and other ways its harder. At the time, I thought anything that wasn't a six month deployment was going to be great. It's not great it just sucks in a different way.

ParaTed2k

on Nov 18, 2005

I've never understood the "I can't have you always, so I don't want you at all" type divorces either. Tova said something about the spouse leaving for a "full time spouse". Well, I guess the difference between military wives like you and Pam (my wife) and the "leaving kind" is, you don't want a husband, you want D (and Pam wants Me). Thick and Thin, part time or full, "for better or for worse". You'll take the deployments because, well, you have just as little choice in the matter as D does (or I had).

Your title "Acceptance of Fact" said it all. He'll leave, you'll stay. He'll take care of business "over there" you'll do the same "here"... and when he comes back, you'll relish the days together, even though you know that another deployment, school, field exercise, or just a string of long days will come. But they will pass.

dharmagrl

on Nov 18, 2005

At the time, I thought anything that wasn't a six month deployment was going to be great. It's not great it just sucks in a different way.

That's very true. When Dave was working flight, we thought that him working confinement would be a better deal. As it turns out, it wasn't better...it still sucks, just in a different way.

In a way, I think separation helps because its so easy to take each other for granted when you are never apart. It's just hard to maintain that closeness and intimacy when you are separated.

I do too. I tell people that we have had many honeymoons over the course of our marriage, because every time he comes home it's like we're newly weds all over again. That being said...it's hard to be lovey dovey over a monitored phone line with 20 other people in the same room.

I'm more of the cry my eyes out type. I'm not mad. I'm sad.

That's how I am. It HURTS. Physically, hurts. My chest aches, my stomach's upset.....it sucks.

It's so much different being on the outside looking in, versus being on the inside and looking out.

Sometimes I wish I could be on the outside, looking in.

lifehappens

on Nov 18, 2005

Deployment can have a positive impact on a marriage

I don't think so. A couple may be able to deal with the separation and learn to be stronger individuals and they may even learn to appreciate each other more. Okay, so maybe I should conceed that some good can come of it, but I think that the marriages where they need a "break" and they look at a separation as good or positive.....well, those marriages are pretty rocky already. Separation isn't going to make a bad marriage better....ever. It jsut puts off the inevitable.

dharmagrl

on Nov 18, 2005

you don't want a husband, you want D (and Pam wants Me). Thick and Thin, part time or full, "for better or for worse". You'll take the deployments because, well, you have just as little choice in the matter as D does (or I had).

Bingo. It's just the way things are. I know that in 2011, when we're at our retirement ceremony (and I say our because this career has been a joint effort)..that the deployments will be over, the separations will be a thing of the past, and we will be able to spend a whole year together. We'll be able to see the seasons change together...we'll be able to watch the leaves bud on the trees together and then spend our fall days raking up those same leaves when they've served their purpose and have fallen to the ground. We'll be able to put away the tank tops and break out the sweaters - together. We'll actually get to spend ALL the birthdays and holidays together. I'm so looking forward to that...

Separation isn't going to make a bad marriage better....ever. It jsut puts off the inevitable

I have to agree. The only thing separation does for an already rocky relationship is give each of the parties time to get their heads on straight and decide that yeah, they really do want out.

xtine

on Nov 18, 2005

A military life is all about the military member. The world revolves around the member. I was too selfish to hang in there for very long. I needed some me-time, some me-education, and a me-career. I admire those who can handle it. I wasn't cut out for it.

ParaTed2k

on Nov 18, 2005

I think that is one of the reasons my wife did well with it. She learned how to not make it all about me and my career. Yes, like all military spouses, there were things she had to give up, but she figured that I never had to give up my individuality to be a soldier (contrary to popular belief), so why should she have to give up hers to be an Army wife? and she didn't.((( Not to make it sound easy on her. I would never belittle her accomplishment like that... but to not acknowledge what she accomplished in making it easier on herself would be worse.)))

What can I say... She's awesome!!!

MarcieMoo

on Nov 19, 2005

Sometimes I wish I could be on the outside, looking in.

I wish so, too. If nothing else, just for a freakin year of normality or something for you...a year of respite from deployment. The poor guy just got home, damn it.

SSG Geezer

on Nov 19, 2005

I think you have one of the most mature and realistic attitude towards this craziness that is military life K. Cyrano says "meow... cvuiui" (he typed that) which means you are the cats meow!

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!