Acceptance of fact.

Published on November 18, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

Dr Guy made a comment on a previous article about how my husband and I seem to have accepted that he might have to redeploy in January. The response I wrote to him got me thinking about the way I see things regarding deployments and TDY's and military affairs that cause our loved ones to leave us for months and sometimes years at a time....so I decided to make a full article out of it. Please forgive me if I ramble, I'm writing this as it comes to me.

As far as I'm concerned, there are four things in my life of which I am absolutely sure: that my husband loves me, that I will one day die, that as long as I'm alive I'll pay taxes in one form or another, and that he will, over the remainder of his military career, deploy again. And again. And again...and then probably some more.

I guess that I don't fully understand the people who divorce because of deployments. I can understand that they can't take the separations and the lonlieness - I know how bad that pain can be. But what I don't understand is their solution to that problem. Because they can't handle being apart, they take measures to separate themselves from each other permanently. Doesn't make sense to me.

So, as said - I know and he knows that he's going to deploy again. It's a fact. Because it's a fact, we have to deal with it. There are a number of ways to do just that, but the main two that I've seen put into operation are as follows:

The wife resents the husband's deploying and lets that resentment cloud everything she does and says. She can't get over that he's leaving again and she'll once again be alone with the kids and the house and all the accoutrements that come with a marriage, house, and children. She's miserable, and her misery rubs off on everyone else. There are fights about him leaving, there are accusations of abandonment, there's a whole lot of sadness and heartache and a lot of mean words are said in anger and out of spite. The closer the deploy date gets, the worse the fear of the upcoming months of solitude and the resentment get...and the worse the fights get. By the time he leaves they're both bitter and angry and tired of hearing each other. She kisses him goodbye with resentment and anger in her heart, and then goes home to spend the next however many months regretting all the things she said to him that hurt him and wallow in her insecurities. She was mean to him, she made him and herself miserable, and now she worries that he'll remember her that way and will meet someone 'over there' that makes him happier than she did before he left. She's hurt, he's hurt, and no matter how hard they try they can't seem to patch things up and convey to the other just how sorry they really are.

The second scenario is this:

The wife is upset that her husband has to leave again. She doesn't want him to go, but understands that he has to. She tries her best to make the time that they have left together as memorable as possible; to try and fit some serious quality time into the days preceeding the deploy date. She's determined to give him the best of herself, to remind him of why he married her, to show him just how damn much she loves him so that when they're apart they'll have some awesome memories of their time together to carry them through. By the time he leaves they're acting like they're newlyweds and have realized just how much they mean to each other...and they also have a renewed comittment to their marriage and are determined to not let something as relatively trivial as a deployment break their union. She kisses him goodbye with tears in her eyes and her heart near bursting because it's so full of love, then goes home and reminisces about how much she loves him and how good they are together.

I've seen the above described scenarios played out too many times to count - and I've been a player in both of them myself. I know from personal experience that kissing him goodbye with anger is a good way to guilt and worry yourself near to death and perpetuate the misery that you felt before he left. I know too that kissing him goodbye with your heart overflowing with love really hurts; in fact it's probably more painful than being angry and spiteful....but there's no guilt, no insecurity to beat oneself up with. There's only love, and the pain that comes from being separated from the one you love above all others. I'll take love over insecurity and guilt, any day.

When I was Key Spouse, I used to counsel other wives that "You can kiss him goodbye with a smile on your face, or you can kiss him goodbye with a scowl. Either way, you're going to have to kiss him goodbye". It's true. He's going to leave, no matter how you send him off. I guess the thing that you have to ask yourself is how you want him to remember you when he's gone; how you want to remember him when you're home alone.

You'd have to be incredibly stupid, incredibly selfish, or lying to yourself about the state of your marriage and whether you really love him if you choose the first scenario over the second.

For me...well, there's no choice. There's only one way I'm letting go of my love, and it's not with bitterness and spite.

Comments (Page 2)

dharmagrl

on Nov 19, 2005

A military life is all about the military member. The world revolves around the member.

Yeah, but there are ways to make your niche as well. You just have to find them...and that can be hard.

She learned how to not make it all about me and my career. Yes, like all military spouses, there were things she had to give up, but she figured that I never had to give up my individuality to be a soldier (contrary to popular belief), so why should she have to give up hers to be an Army wife? and she didn't

Neither have I. That's why I don't do well with other military spouses. I'm different. I'm not like them, and they take my being an individual and try to make it something else....so I just don't do much with other wives anymore.

If nothing else, just for a freakin year of normality or something for you...a year of respite from deployment

I can't even imagine what that would be like. I've forgotten how it is to spend more than a couple of months together.

I think you have one of the most mature and realistic attitude towards this craziness that is military life K.

Thanks, T. It's been learned at the school of hard knocks and heartache.

Dr Guy

on Nov 19, 2005

Wow. I am kind of honored for the attribution. I hope it was a soul searching one, and not "That ignorant bastard". This is a great article. I think you know which one you are. I have noticed that. I have also seen others that were the former (RAFAN comes to mind). I never had that, but my mother sure did.

YOur blog just oozes love! And a very great maturity. Every time you write about it, you tell of your hurt, yet understanding. YOu are the best kind of military spouse. ANd I admire you.

dharmagrl

on Nov 19, 2005

I hope it was a soul searching one, and not "That ignorant bastard".

Oh yeah, it was a soul searcher, for sure. You made em think...those two words that you use sum up my attitude towards him leaving and deploying all the time.

I have also seen others that were the former (RAFAN comes to mind).

I know women like that in real life, and I tend to stay away from them. They drain me...being around them leaves me feeling like I've got a small black cloud hanging over me all the time, like their apathy has rubbed off.

YOur blog just oozes love!

Thank you. I don't write it that way...I guess it's at the forefront of my mind when I write and that reflects in what say.

Every time you write about it, you tell of your hurt, yet understanding.

And that's the thing that a lot of people don't get. They think that I am lying, that it doesn't hurt me when he leaves, and that's not true. It DOES hurt...the first days of a new deployment are some of the most oainful things I've ever experienced. I mean, more often than not I reduce myself to a 'bare basic' kind of existence. I don't go out, I dont wear makeup or fix my hair...all i can do it stay home and cry. I wander through our house, touching his things, trying desperately to smell him on his pillow or somehow feel his presence - even now, just writing about it has me crying. It sucks, it truly does, and it's something that I am looking forward to kissing goodbye to when he retires.

YOu are the best kind of military spouse. ANd I admire you.

I have my days. I have days when I'm as petulant as a three year old who's been told she can't have a candy bar; I get angry and despondent and pissed off and selfish. I have times where I want to take it out on my husband; I want to tell him that it's his fault x, y or z has gone wrong and that if he were here this shit wouldn't happen....but that's one of the blessings of not being able to just pick up the phone and call. I usually talk myself out of it and, by the time he does get to call home, I've realized that I was being silly and selfish and I don't even mention whatever it was.

I just learned from my mistakes, DG. I've learned the hard way that anger solves nothing and is contagious. Seeing Dave happy makes me happy. Hearing him tell me that he trusts me and has confidence in me to take care of business when he's gone, knowing that I can help him not worry so much...that's my reward. That's what I live for.

Ra Fan said I was brainwashed. I thought about that long and hard, I really had a look at myself and questioned if it could be true. Maybe I am. But you know what? I'd rather be brainwashed and in love with my husband, brainwashed and happy, brainwashed and reasonably satisfied with my lot in life than be a whining misery-guts whose only satisfaction in life comes from complaining just how sucky everything is.

I personally think your admiration is slightly misplaced, but thank you anyway. I don't get admired very often, so I'll take the compliment and try and live up to it.

Dr Guy

on Nov 19, 2005

I just learned from my mistakes, DG.

Ra Fan said I was brainwashed.

You see that is the difference between you and her. You know it. You hurt and like any mortal, you feel. But in the end, you know. RA FAN has no clue, and until they get one, will always be miserable. as was all their posts. Yours are hurt, sad, expectant and happy. We do not begrudge you the sadness of separation. Some of us to understand, but all syhmpathize. Because your flame burns ever so bright for all to see and come to. Always.

That is what draws me back. I cannot comment on all your articles, but on some I know what you mean even if I do not know how you feel. And in all of them there is you, and it is easy to admire you.

stevendedalus

on Nov 22, 2005

That's very true. I started out being a baby about stuff, and after 4 months of guilt and insecurity I decided that it sucked too bad for me to act like that before he left the next time. It's taken me 12 years to figure this stuff out, and I STILL have days where I'm not as rational as I should be (like last Saturday, for instance).

So beautifully and honestly put. Frankly, my dear Karen, you write with such sensitively that I feel you should not delay fooling around with magazine submissions/rejections and miss the timing; compile it as you intend [Life as an Airforce Wife] and submit it electronically to www.publishamerica.com at no cost; you probably won't make much but heck you will be published and soldiers' wives will love it.

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