Silence.

Published on October 11, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

Neither I or the person who contacted my birth mother have heard anything from her, despite her assurance that she would contact one of us.

This silence is difficult, it's awkward. I can handle whatever decision she makes; I just want to know. If she decides that she doesn't want to talk to me or know me, then that's great. I'm not going to be devastated by her rejection....I don't have an emotional attachment to her. Yes, she's my birth mother, but if I were to walk past her on the street tomorrow I wouldn't know her. I don't have a bond with her, I don't feel linked to her somehow. I had iften wondered if I would....you read stories of people who found their birth relatives and had an immediate emotional bond with them, much the same as a new mother has with her infant....but I don't have that.

I don't know why she hasn't been in touch. Perhaps she's created a life for herself that she doesn't want disturbed. Perhaps having to explain me to her friends and relatives, to her neighbors and colleagues...perhaps that would be too difficult for her. I can understand that. I know that she's told her other children about me, so I don't think that they're the problem. I know too that she's widowed, so it's not her husband that's the problem. Maybe she has a boyfriend who doesn't know; maybe she's worried that he'll think less of her if she tell him about me. Maybe she's lied about her background and my sudden appearance would mess it all up. There are so many variables....

...so, I don't know why she hasn't been in contact. I DO know that I wish she'd let me know what she's thinking and feeling about this whole thing so that I can stop imagining things and KNOW what's going on, why she hasn't been in touch. Like I said, I can handle her not wanting to know me. It's just the silence that I don't like.

I think that if I haven't heard anything by the end of the week that I'll send her another letter, asking her why she hasn't responded. I'll explain to her what I explained here...that I'm cool with whatever her decision may be, but that I kind of need to know what that decision is. Strike that, I don't 'kind of' need to know. I NEED to know. So that I can move on. So that I can either say 'I know where my birth mother is, I know that she's alive and well' and be satisfied with that, or so that we can start to build a relationship, a rapport with each other.

So, right now I'm in limbo on the birth mother front. I don't like that. I don't like it at all.

Comments (Page 1)

foreverserenity

on Oct 11, 2005

Dharma, I don’t know from experience what you’re going through but I do know because of what you’ve written thus far.

Perhaps your birth mother is scared and ashamed, feeling quite guilty of what she had to do, giving you up. She possibly can’t face you to express to you why she did what she did. I think you need to give her time. She is obviously not denying you since she told her other children about you. That means she’s probably been thinking about you too a lot throughout the years.

She possibly needs to come to terms with what she plans on doing where you’re concerned before she contacts you.

Re-read the letter you wrote to her again. Pay attention to what you wrote, (I remember reading it but don’t recall the full details of your letter) because in it you might have mentioned that you will give her time and will wait for her to contact you. I’m saying this only because you might seem to be putting pressure on her.

I say give her a bit more time. Don’t think that she doesn’t want to know you; you don’t know that for a fact. Don’t think that you’re going to mess up her life and possibly to you it seems once again she doesn’t want you. Don’t think negative thoughts, although it’s hard not to do so. Try to be more patient with her and with yourself. If it is meant to be, it will be so. I believe if it wasn’t you would never have found her. It will just not go as quickly as you hope and everything will fall into place when its time.

Dr Guy

on Oct 11, 2005

It has been 30 odd years. Perhaps she just needs a little longer.

dharmagrl

on Oct 11, 2005

Re-read the letter you wrote to her again. Pay attention to what you wrote, (I remember reading it but don’t recall the full details of your letter) because in it you might have mentioned that you will give her time and will wait for her to contact you

The one that I posted here was only part of what I actually sent to her. In the one I sent I told her that I wasn't angry at her or ashamed of her, and that I'd leave the ball in her court. The things that aggrivates me and makes me a little pessimistic over it is this: when the third party contacted her, Veronica said that she'd call back in a few days to get my contact information. The third party ( a chick named Tracey)asked to please do so that she could tell me that Veronica did indeed have my info and I could put my mind at ease a little. Veronica never called back.

I'm not asking for an answer right now. I'm not even looking for a complete medical history right now. All I'm asking for is an acknowledgement that she got my letter and that she's taking time to think things over. That's all. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Moderateman

on Oct 11, 2005

It could be that "silence" is her answer D,

xtine

on Oct 11, 2005

I don't think that's too much to ask.

It might be though. When my mom found her birth mother, the birth mother almost had a nervous breakdown. It wasn't until over six months after the initial contact that she reached out to her.

Just a thought.

Tova7

on Oct 11, 2005

I went through something similar to this in my mid 20's. I went to see my real mom who walked away and never looked back when I was about 1st grade and who often lamented to family and friends how she regretted it.

She had 4 kids and a husband when I tracked her down. I didn't go to bond with her, I went for some answers. I was totally cool with her doing her own thing because I didn't consider her my mom anyway.

While I was there she told me she loved me and wanted a relationship with me. Those were the words that came out of her mouth. But she has never called me since (and that was 12 years ago)....never once reached out in any tangible way. She did however tell a mutual friend that she didn't want to go back, her life was full, and she didn't really have a place in it for a daughter-who is not a daughter. It was just easier to let it go.

The reason I am telling you this is twofold. First, as someone already stated, silence sometimes is the answer. Second, even if she responds to you in some way, it may not be an honest response. Meaning, she may feel like since you went through the trouble of finding her that she can't just tell you to get lost. Chances are she doesn't really have an emotional connection to you either. KWIM?

My mom told all my half siblings about me. They knew more about me as a toddler than I did. But the memory is all she wanted, not the reality.

I hope this turns out to be a great journey for you. I imagine your birth mom is now dealing with things emotionally she thought long over and gone.

Good luck and I hope you hear from her soon so you can put this to rest one way or another.

HC1240

on Oct 11, 2005

(((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))))) The waiting must be so difficult. I know that you understand this can't be easy for her either. She probably has as much emotional yo-yo'ing goinnng on as you do. I understand your hating the limbo though. If there's one thing I can't stand... it's not being in control of my life, and I can imagine the situation you're in would make me feel just that. Hang in there, girl... praying for you.

dharmagrl

on Oct 11, 2005

It could be that "silence" is her answer D

I'm thinking you might be right.

The reason I am telling you this is twofold. First, as someone already stated, silence sometimes is the answer. Second, even if she responds to you in some way, it may not be an honest response. Meaning, she may feel like since you went through the trouble of finding her that she can't just tell you to get lost. Chances are she doesn't really have an emotional connection to you either. KWIM?

Yeah, I know what you mean, and thank you for sharing your experience with me. It's helpful to have someone else who's been through the same thing tell me that they understand where I'm coming from.

My mom told all my half siblings about me. They knew more about me as a toddler than I did. But the memory is all she wanted, not the reality.

Your scored an 'insightful' from me for that.

The waiting must be so difficult. I know that you understand this can't be easy for her either. She probably has as much emotional yo-yo'ing goinnng on as you do. I understand your hating the limbo though. If there's one thing I can't stand... it's not being in control of my life, and I can imagine the situation you're in would make me feel just that. Hang in there, girl... praying for you.

Thanks, honey! As Tom Petty said 'the waiting is the hardest part'.....I can deal with whatever she wants to happen, but I simply want her to acknowledge that she got my letter(s) and is taking her time to think things over.

I think that part of my problem is that I've romanticised things. I haven't spent a lot of time in my life thinking about what would happen if I found her...but when I did think about it, I always pictured us contacting each other and having some semblance of a realtionship, even if it was only an exchange of Christmas cards each year. I never expected to be rejected...and yeah, I think that's what's going to happen. Call me a pessimist if you will, but I really do think that she's not going to want to know me and that I might have been better off not having found her in the first place.

This has left me very confused....

Manopeace

on Oct 11, 2005

Mail takes awhile to arrive at its destination... both your's and the reply...
It might be on it's way.... don't give up just yet.
She might be shocked by your letter and needs time to respond.... give it awhile longer.

HC1240

on Oct 11, 2005

I'm a pessimist by nature too. If I don't expect too much, then I don't get let down as often. *wry smile*

Tova7

on Oct 11, 2005

I never expected to be rejected...and yeah, I think that's what's going to happen. Call me a pessimist if you will, but I really do think that she's not going to want to know me and that I might have been better off not having found her in the first place.

((((((D)))))-I hope it doesn't turn out that way.

She really may be taking her time. But with every day that passes I'd be looking at it the same way. She has to know you contacted her and this is HUGE for you. And delaying her response for whatever reason is well, inconsiderate at best, and telling at worst. It wouldn't cost her a thing to send you a note saying, "I am thinking about this and will get back with you when I can."

DO NOT beat yourself up for being an upbeat positive person. I think its perfectly normal and downright sweet you could think of having any sort of relationship with her. Not all adopted kids are so open hearted toward their birth parents. Especially once they have kids of their own and think about giving them up...and know they'd not do it no matter what.

I am an optiomist most of the time...but when it comes to this particular situation I am not. When I went to see my mom in my mind I'd built up that I was the one who was hurt, the victim, the injured....but was truly over it. True or not that is how I felt. So when I told her, "Look I don't have any hard feelings. I forgive you."

She said, "Forgive me for what?"

She didn't see me as a victim, and certainly not ever injured by something she did for my "benefit." So she didn't want, no, felt OFFENDED at my declaration of forgiveness. Does that make sense? In her eyes she did what was best, and maybe it was, but she didn't want to face any potential problems from her "then" in her "now" and certainly didn't feel the need to be forgiven.

Looking back a decade later I can see there were areas I coulda handled better when face to face with her. But ultimately our "relationship" was doomed.... because even though she was not a mother to me, she could never really be anything else. I mean what is a birth mother supposed to be if not your mother? Friend? Really? Not in my case. I coulda had a friendship with her, but she couldn't have one with me. It was just not possible, everytime she looked at me she saw her daughter, not her buddy....and friends are people you choose, not children you cast away years ago for whatever reason....even if it is for their own good. Why be friends with someone you have such emotional baggage with? And who believes from their point of view you did something to them years ago by leaving/abandoning/giving up etc. Not to mention the memories it recalls. It's too hard and in my case "hard" is a lethal word in my mom's vocab.

I really do hope this turns out for you....then I can say I know of one case where it turned out fine!

Do you know what my dad said when I told him I went to see her? "Tonya don't you think if she wanted to see you she'd have contacted you?"

I shrugged him off (though the truth of that statement rang in my ears) and said yeah but she couldn't find me I travel too much. He just gave me one of his looks. (The one that says, if she wanted to find you, she would have found you, or at the very least would still be looking.)

It was the worst "I told you so," my Dad ever gave me without actually saying the words.

You are so fortunate you have two loving parents D. This may turn out yet, don't lose hope, but don't invest anymore either.

Speaking as someone who never again contacted her mother after the initial reunification.....I put the ball in her court. She took the ball and went home. I can't force her to play.

Think long and hard before you contact her again. Right now she is silent, but if you force her to speak, you may not like what you hear....even though you say knowing is better......think about it and be SURE. Silence can be seen a lot of ways and over the years it will lose its sharp edges. Words however, especially the "leave me alone" kind don't tend to be blunted as well by time....in my experience.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Stay strong.

dharmagrl

on Oct 11, 2005

If I don't expect too much, then I don't get let down as often. *wry smile*

That's the way I look at stuff. That way I'm always surprised and happy when things DON'T go wrong!

Mail takes awhile to arrive at its destination... both your's and the reply...
It might be on it's way.... don't give up just yet.

I'm not talking about JUST the letter. She was supposed to contact Tracey to pass on her home phone number, email address etc, and she never did. I know that mail sometimes takes a while, but it's not about that...it's about her lack of communication, period.

dharmagrl

on Oct 11, 2005

But ultimately our "relationship" was doomed.... because even though she was not a mother to me, she could never really be anything else. I mean what is a birth mother supposed to be if not your mother? Friend? Really? Not in my case.

That's what I'm starting to see. I HAVE a mum already. She may not have given birth to me, but she did everything else for me. I'm not prepared to call Veronica 'mum', and I'm not prepared to have a mother - daughter relationship with her....but I don't know what other kind of relationship TO have with her. I mean, like you said, I can't regard her as a friend because I don't know her. Can I get to know her? Yeah, I'd have been willing to do that, but....her failing to even contact Tracey, failing to even do something as simple as that....that doesn't bode well, as far as I'm concerned.

In a way, I'm glad that it took me 36 years to find her, because if I'd done this 20 years ago I'd be devastated by her silence, I just wouldn't have had the emotional maturity to deal with it.

She really may be taking her time. But with every day that passes I'd be looking at it the same way.

Thank you for seeing it from my point of view, and thank you for your responses here. You know exactly where I'm coming from....and yeah, I'm scared of forcing her to speak because I don't know that I want to hear what she's going to say.

dharmagrl

on Oct 11, 2005

Karen, I've had cards take 6-8 weeks to get to their destination in England...give it some more time.

I sent it global priority, and it's not just the letter. She didn't even bother to contact Tracey after she said that she would.

Dr Guy

on Oct 11, 2005

That's what I'm starting to see. I HAVE a mum already. She may not have given birth to me, but she did everything else for me.

Perhaps if Tracy contacts her and just asks for the medical. And nothing else. That might be easier for her, and give her more time.

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