Are you there, God?

it's me......remember? Can we talk...?

Published on February 16, 2004 By dharmagrl In Religion

I'm having a crisis of faith.

It's been an on-going crisis for months/possibly years now....and i can't quite seem to find a solution for it.

Let me begin by laying a foundation for you. I was raised C of E (Church of England), a protestant faith. When i came to the States oh, 14 or so years ago, i went off on this journey to find a faith that i was comfortable with...and there were many of them! I went through Catholicism, Baptist (Southern and otherwise), Lutheran, Methodist...you name it, i went tried it. The scariest to me was a Pentacostal Charismatic place...i have to say it was the closest thing to mass-hysteria i have ever seen..people rolling all over the floor, speaking in 'toungues'...put me off that particular denomination forever, let me tell you!

After much soul searching, many years (about 10) and a stint as a Sunday school teacher, I came to the conclusion that the problem i was having was that everything i had tried thus far was a Christian faith..and perhaps that was where my problem was. So, off i went again...

..and discovered Judaism. That didn't feel right either, so i thought that perhaps momtheism was the issue. So, i researched wicca, paganism, druidism..none of those fit.....and finally Buddhism. For the first time ever, probably, i felt like i had found something that fit, that felt comfortable, and natural, and just plain right. Me being me, i threw myself into it and have been practicing for close to 3 years now.

Which leads me to my current crisis: it's not that Buddhism doesn't fit anymore, I just have this empty feeling...like there's something else that I'm not seeing, a piece that's missing. I feel like the piece that would fit is God, but i have such major issues with God and Christianity in general that it burns me to acknowledge that and accept that. My internal conflict left me literally broken spiritually, so i decided to seek counsel from a man of the cloth, to see if he had any insight that i had perhaps overlooked.

You know, I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and this time it did. The pastor I met with was amazing, not at all what i expected. He was familar and well-versed with my chosen faith, as well as many others. He said that i was cursed (for want of a better term)...that some people can accept Christianity for what it is and have no problem believeing...and then there are people like He and I, who constantly question the status quo and have to go off on spiritual quests to satiate their souls. After a lot of crying on my part, a lot of listening on his part, and a little prayer (yes, i prayed) i left his office feeling like i had to come to some kind of satisfaction.... and it lasted for a couple of weeks (days if i'm honest) before I started to feel lost again. By this time the pastor that i spoke with had moved on (the perils of the military; you find someone you like and then they leave) and the ones that were available i had had previous experience with and knew i wouldn't connect with them like i had connected with the other chaplain.

So, here I am, in a crisis again. I feel like the poster in Mulder's office (X-Files, for those of you who don't know) - ' I WANT TO BELIEVE'. I don't know what's stopping me...scratch that, i think I do know. It's pride, my pride. I was so anti-God, anti-Christianity (and still am in a way, that's why i don't attend church. I still have major issues with some of the practices and beliefs and feel that i would be a hypocrite to go worship something i didn't hold true)...and i don't know if God wants me back. I feel like i need some fellowship, some guidance, and i don't know where to turn to get it...I read the Bible for inspiration, and don't seem to find any. I've prayed, but I don't know if anyone's listening...perhaps He's too pissed off at me for turning my back to talk to me right now. Perhaps I'm expecting too much...maybe I'm expecting the flashing light, booming voice from above experience; the epiphany...and i'm disappointed because i'm not getting it. Perhaps i'm looing for some affirmation, for God to talk to me either on His own or through someone else....

...and i hear nothing.

Are you there, God? It's me, Karen....can we talk?

Comments (Page 1)

Sherye Hanson

on Feb 16, 2004

When you are brought up to be a skeptic, it is hard to believe. I wasn't brought up that way, but I have problems with churches. The reason is that I can see all sides of the question. I can see the validity in many points of view. So choosing just one is hard. But they can't all be true. I think the problem is that God is vaster, more complicated, more profound than anyone can discuss. He is far greater than our imaginations. So whenever we talk about God, part of what we are saying is wrong. It's like saying a diamond is pretty. Certainly diamonds are pretty, but their beauty is much greater than that.

Maybe instead of trying to find a person to talk about God, try reading. Start with Anne Dillard. I find her to be the sort of Christian, who doesn't have all the answers. She's a little hard to read quickly, so just read a little bit each day. Scot Peck's Road Less Traveled is an easy read and he has a lot about God. There are many others. But start with one and then keep reading. Eventually you'll find another person you can resonate with. If you do then try writing them a letter, one of them might write you back.

What helped me find God again, was going to a twelve step group. Instead of feeling unique, I was with people like myself. Instead of talking about how wonderful we were, we talked about how we messed up. God did for us what we couldn't do for ourself, but we had things that we had to do. Being together in meetings, helped us to have a common bond. Church often creates hypocrites because we're expected to have faith, change our thinking and our behavior. But no matter how hard we work and how much God changes us, we are still imperfect.

There is a gospel song about standin' in the need of prayer. Most people in church won't admit that they need prayer. But I always do. Why? Because I know that I can always get more from God than I do now.

I don't know if any of this rambling means anything to you.

JeremyG

on Feb 16, 2004

Just find the tao and everything will fall into place

JeremyG

on Feb 16, 2004

btw, I like your blog just found it with this post but I liked all yoru articles

dharmagrl

on Feb 16, 2004

thanks, jeremy.....

Jewbu

on May 01, 2006

With palms together,
Hello Dharmagirl,

What a wonderfully authentic and heartfelt letter. I admire your courage to seek. It is always a lonely and strangly anxious path as there are never any certainties that we will find anything at all. Yet search we must. Reminds me of a Camus novel or two.

I wish you the best along your path. God is so much more than any of us can imagine. I deeply distrust our ability as human beings to cast Him in any way at all that makes sense, still, we must have devices with which to communicate and share. Common experience and shared belief are just as important, I think, to what God is or is not, since whatever He is, He is regardless of what we might think or wish.

If you would like to talk further, please feel free to email me at buddhist99@yahoo.com.

A deep bow to you.

Moderateman

on May 01, 2006

Of course he is there D, maybe you just are not listening.

Angie

on Jul 18, 2006

Maybe you ought to try looking for the Creator. Romans 1:25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Look inside yourself, what you're searching for is right there, in your own heart. All that searching you've done surely you came across the message it will be in the heart. So start there, pick up your bible, look up all the verses pertaining to the heart in the concordance in the back of it. If you don't search for the truth (yourself) you don't deserve to know it. LOVE YA!

Tova7

on Jul 19, 2006

Dharma this is probably one of my favorite articles from you. Not just because I am Christian but because more than anything I've read, this really shows your heart.

I am very familiar with the SILENCE. It's not something they talk too much about in church is it? I wonder why because as far as I know most Christians experience it at some point, and we are usually ill prepared when we do.

I also believe things happen for a reason. You leaving the faith and checking out all those other faiths, that happened for a reason.

As I am working my way back toward God I am getting a lot of silences too. I've decided God is good. So the silence is for my good. I'm on the road back, but haven't quite hit the road where I can see my Father's house yet. It's a long walk back from those foreign places, and I am weak from hunger.

But it is work and it is not easy.

Perhaps we are on the same road.

I wish you peace on your journey home.

T

Tova7

on Jul 19, 2006

I saw this while surfing the net and thought of you.

It's not hard doctrine, but its nice.

Hope you enjoy it.

Link

KFC Kickin For Christ

on Jul 20, 2006

am very familiar with the SILENCE. It's not something they talk too much about in church is it? I wonder why because as far as I know most Christians experience it at some point, and we are usually ill prepared when we do.

You've mentioned this before and it reminds me of Hannah and Naomi who wanted to change her name to Mara which means bitter. Sometimes it seems as tho God puts us on hold. He may be doing great things in our lives but our deepest most cherished request is not being answered. Why isn't he responding? I've had many prayers answered immediately and others that took years. But I recognized it when it happened sometimes not at first but later it sunk in.

Hannah went thru this. She was barren in a day when being childlessness was considred a sign of displeasure from God.
She had great misery as she pleaded with God. Her distress lasted years even tho she was devoted to God. She prayed and prayed. It says in scripture that "she was in bitteness of soul and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish"

In God's timing and at just the right time, God answered her prayer, gave her a son who would become a priest and prophet and would change history. Her bitterness was turned to joy. Her experience should help us to know that what counts is not whether God answers us immediately but are we humbly waiting on his wisdom and timing?

There are many reasons for not deferring to our emotions but to the wisdom of God. Much of it relies on confidence in Him.

The scriptures were written by people who felt the same discouragements as we do. They cried out to a silent God at times. They knew what it was like to come to the end of themselves and feel their emotions go "over the edge." But they recovered their sense of joy and confidence in God by trusting Him and he always came thru.

The Puritans had a saying...Pray until you pray. If you get discouraged, don't let that stop you. You can pray thru the roadblocks and hinderences. It's work but worth it and God will honor your prayer but in His timing. Just have to have confidence. Job said, "Even tho he slay me, I will trust him."

Tova7

on Jul 20, 2006

He may be doing great things in our lives but our deepest most cherished request is not being answered.

KFC this is what I am talking about.

I can't speak for Dharma but the silence I am referring to is not in answer to a specific prayer. We are told to seek and ye shall find.....it is the endless seeking and NOT finding that I am talking about. Made all the more brutal having known His love and attention.

According to everything I know about God Biblically speaking, all one has to do is call to Him. Silence in this situation is rejection. He says to do it...and then silence?

You may say the same thing I said to others before I went through this..."He's talking you just aren't hearing. After all doesn't He talk with every sunrise? With every meal you eat?"

Now that I've lived it I can say, "Yeah he does, to everyone, believers and non believers alike. What about my relationship with Him? The personal level? The thing that is special between the two of us? How can that thrive in silence?"

I am not talking about specific requests for God. Just the one request He wooes us to make...to call on Him. "I will never leave you or forsake you."

I do believe this...but what good is being in a dark room with someone you know is there but won't speak or communicate with you? None.

Its not hard to hang on the first few months, but YEARS later you start wondering about the love this person says they have for you. You talk and get....silence. You plead and get...silence. You work and get...silence. It shouldn't be surprising when people quit trying and their minds move to different things.

The only thing that kept me in the dark room was the memory of the time He did speak to me. And my honest belief that God is good. I realize now what I didn't during that time.....I will wait forever if need be because when He does decide to speak again...it seems worth it. And I do believe He is good, his creation is a daily testament to me...and so though I don't understand the silence, I will give Him the "benefit of the doubt" and trust it is for my good.

More preachers should talk about these silent times. Sure they might have a hard time with it because they haven't lived it....but just about everyone I've ever talked too who left the faith left for this reason alone. Silence.

And I think if people expect it up front, and realize there are people who go decades without hearing or getting any kind of nod from God, (and I don't mean miracles...I mean fellowship..and you know when you have it and when you don't.)..then perhaps people won't feel so "slighted."

If silence is the "norm" then anything above that is icing...but I have never heard one single sermon on it, ever.

And I am not talking Job, though it could be used as an example. But no one seems to focus on the God's silence much when they discuss Job.....wonder why?

People who come to Christ need to know the truth. God can be silent for long periods of time and still be God, still love them. We need to love God for WHO HE IS....not how often He speaks to us, or the gifts he gives us. And when we are alone in a dark room with a silent God, that's what everything boils down too.

Will I love Him anyway.

(Hows that for preachin? hahahahhahaha)

Sorry Dharma didn't mean to take over your thread.

Gideon MacLeish

on Jul 20, 2006

Good piece, dharma. I'll give the best answer I can from my personal experience and hope it fits.

While I will get a lot of flack for saying this, I don't believe you find Christ in a church. You find Christ in the lives of His followers, and some of those followers are in church, but some in church are not followers. Some of those followers will not step across the threshhold of a church; you may find Christ in the eyes of the homeless, or in those whose deathbeds you are attending faithfully.

That's why many dedicated Christians don't like to hear Christianity referred to as a "religion" -- to those who are truly trying to follow the call of Christ, it is more than that; it affects our manner of being in so many ways.

I don't think you're "cursed" in being able to find Christ, dharma, I think it's just possible you haven't been able to see Him in many of the churches you have attended. I do believe God will answer your sincere request for an audience...and when He does, you will know it.

God bless, and you will be in our prayers.

Gideon MacLeish

on Jul 20, 2006

I can't speak for Dharma but the silence I am referring to is not in answer to a specific prayer. We are told to seek and ye shall find.....it is the endless seeking and NOT finding that I am talking about.

I can relate to this, tova...and the question I have to repeatedly ask myself is, "is God not answering, or am I not listening?" I don't know the answer to that, frankly, and I'll get back to you if I ever discover it.

Tova7

on Jul 20, 2006

I don't know the answer to that, frankly, and I'll get back to you if I ever discover it.

Ditto....if I find it first.

KFC Kickin For Christ

on Jul 20, 2006

am not talking about specific requests for God. Just the one request He wooes us to make...to call on Him. "I will never leave you or forsake you."

In my experience when I feel I'm not hearing much from God or he seems aloof to me, I search and examine myself. Is there something in my life I'm loving or hanging onto that means more to me than God? Is there some unconfessed sin in my life I'm not being honest about? Am I making an honest effort to be in his will? Am I really being honest with God?

I know I'm not perfect but am I trying my best to follow Him. You've heard the saying that goes...."If God seems so far away...who moved? Isn't it us? We move away from Him not the other way around.

If we ask God to show us our hearts He will do it. Maybe not immediately but in his timing he will pull back the curtains of denial and show us ourselves. He might bring up an old hurt that we haven't let go. He might remind us of a promise we have not kept or a debt we have not paid. He may want us to make an old hurt right by going to someone to ask forgiveness.

I've seen this around me at church as well. I've seen people who do leave the church, as you said, but they are definiately hanging onto their "stuff". It's hard sometimes to let it go.

Heart knowledge is a wonderful liberating gift and it comes through being honest with God in prayer. Sometimes we get caught up in the details of life and distracted by responsibilities and are oblivious to these things.

I don't know if that's your case or not...but just something I find to be true in my life and those I've encountered around me.

Also God does answer and sometimes we just don't get it until later maybe because he answered in a way we didn't expect so in effect we are not listening. I have a great story to tell here but it's too long. It was an awesome answer to prayer but not at all what I was expecting. Maybe I'll blog about it. It happened two years ago in VA.

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