I'm having a crisis of faith.

It's been an on-going crisis for months/possibly years now....and i can't quite seem to find a solution for it.

Let me begin by laying a foundation for you. I was raised C of E (Church of England), a protestant faith. When i came to the States oh, 14 or so years ago, i went off on this journey to find a faith that i was comfortable with...and there were many of them! I went through Catholicism, Baptist (Southern and otherwise), Lutheran, Methodist...you name it, i went tried it. The scariest to me was a Pentacostal Charismatic place...i have to say it was the closest thing to mass-hysteria i have ever seen..people rolling all over the floor, speaking in 'toungues'...put me off that particular denomination forever, let me tell you!

After much soul searching, many years (about 10) and a stint as a Sunday school teacher, I came to the conclusion that the problem i was having was that everything i had tried thus far was a Christian faith..and perhaps that was where my problem was. So, off i went again...

..and discovered Judaism. That didn't feel right either, so i thought that perhaps momtheism was the issue. So, i researched wicca, paganism, druidism..none of those fit.....and finally Buddhism. For the first time ever, probably, i felt like i had found something that fit, that felt comfortable, and natural, and just plain right. Me being me, i threw myself into it and have been practicing for close to 3 years now.

Which leads me to my current crisis: it's not that Buddhism doesn't fit anymore, I just have this empty feeling...like there's something else that I'm not seeing, a piece that's missing. I feel like the piece that would fit is God, but i have such major issues with God and Christianity in general that it burns me to acknowledge that and accept that. My internal conflict left me literally broken spiritually, so i decided to seek counsel from a man of the cloth, to see if he had any insight that i had perhaps overlooked.

You know, I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and this time it did. The pastor I met with was amazing, not at all what i expected. He was familar and well-versed with my chosen faith, as well as many others. He said that i was cursed (for want of a better term)...that some people can accept Christianity for what it is and have no problem believeing...and then there are people like He and I, who constantly question the status quo and have to go off on spiritual quests to satiate their souls. After a lot of crying on my part, a lot of listening on his part, and a little prayer (yes, i prayed) i left his office feeling like i had to come to some kind of satisfaction.... and it lasted for a couple of weeks (days if i'm honest) before I started to feel lost again. By this time the pastor that i spoke with had moved on (the perils of the military; you find someone you like and then they leave) and the ones that were available i had had previous experience with and knew i wouldn't connect with them like i had connected with the other chaplain.

So, here I am, in a crisis again. I feel like the poster in Mulder's office (X-Files, for those of you who don't know) - ' I WANT TO BELIEVE'. I don't know what's stopping me...scratch that, i think I do know. It's pride, my pride. I was so anti-God, anti-Christianity (and still am in a way, that's why i don't attend church. I still have major issues with some of the practices and beliefs and feel that i would be a hypocrite to go worship something i didn't hold true)...and i don't know if God wants me back. I feel like i need some fellowship, some guidance, and i don't know where to turn to get it...I read the Bible for inspiration, and don't seem to find any. I've prayed, but I don't know if anyone's listening...perhaps He's too pissed off at me for turning my back to talk to me right now. Perhaps I'm expecting too much...maybe I'm expecting the flashing light, booming voice from above experience; the epiphany...and i'm disappointed because i'm not getting it. Perhaps i'm looing for some affirmation, for God to talk to me either on His own or through someone else....

...and i hear nothing.

Are you there, God? It's me, Karen....can we talk?