One Is The Lonliest Number

I really don't like weekends.

Published on April 24, 2004 By dharmagrl In Misc

I'm lonely. I miss D. I haven't felt close to him all week...it's been hard, with everything that's been going on. If he were here, things would probably be different, but as it is he's gone, and I'm lonely.

I took the kids to the pool again this afternoon. We were doing fine until a bunch of teenagers decided to crash our party in the shallow end. You know, they had the whole of the olympic sized swimming pool at their disposal, I don't know why they had to come play in the 10ft radius we were occupying. My kids are learning to swim, and they get nervous when there's bigger, boisterous kids around...and, despite my asking the big kids to be careful, shit happened and we decided it best that we leave before mom had to kick someone's ass. We'll go again tomorrow, it's usually empty on Sunday afternoons.

So, here I sit, smelling faintly of chlorine, missing my husband, wishing he were here or I were there. I need him, dig? I need to feel close to him, not emotionally close because I don't think we could really get any tighter emotionally than we already are - but physically close. I need to hold his hand, to feel his breath on the back of my head as we spoon at night. I need to be held - not by just anyone, but by him. I said this before - I never understood how it was possible to be in a room full of people but still feel desperately lonely until we started this remote assignment. I think that's what my problem is, and has been recently...all the months of separation are finally starting to wear on me a little. I have friends, but that's not what I need right now. I need my love, my one and my only. He's the only one who can satiate the needs I have.

Ah well....15 weeks and countring.

Comments (Page 1)

Poetmom99

on Apr 24, 2004

"I said this before - I never understood how it was possible to be in a room full of people but still feel desperately lonely until we started this remote assignment. I think that's what my problem is, and has been recently...all the months of separation are finally starting to wear on me a little. I have friends, but that's not what I need right now. I need my love, my one and my only. He's the only one who can satiate the needs I have.

Ah well....15 weeks and countring."

Hang in there, Dharma. I know it's rough, having been there, done that...but just think of how great it will be when you're back together again!

I know you've been going through a lot of crap lately, and that can't be easy to do on your own....but try to remember that it's as rough on him to not be there, as it is for you not to have him there...and that you're both still sharing the burdens, even if you aren't sharing them in the same place. He's always there for you, even when he's not THERE for you....and soon, he'll be THERE for you again, as well.

And in the meantime, just keep blogging and venting!! LOL

shadesofgrey

on Apr 24, 2004

Those 15 weeks must feel like a lifetime--hopefully they will fly by. I can't even imagine how hard it must be, but you're in the homestretch...think of the glorious reunion--maybe that will make passing the time a little easier!

dharmagrl

on Apr 24, 2004

He's always there for you, even when he's not THERE for you....and soon, he'll be THERE for you again, as well.

Have you been talking to my husband? LOL...he says the exact same thing....!!

I know it's rough for him too..I feel bad for him, having to be there, away from home, away from civilisation.

15 weeks...doesn't really seem too long now, not after the hell we've been through this year. It's been a catalog of catastrophies..first I herniated a disc in my back about 6 weeks after he left, then I wrecked my jeep and almost killed myself..it all went downhill from the time he stepped on the plane. Still, there is a certain amount of satisfaction to it: I know now that I can make it through almost anything alone...well, that's not entirely true, I have Dave. Like PoetMom dais, and like Dave says, even if here not 'here', he's with me, so I'm never really alone.

Thanks, guys, for listening. You're awesome!

dharmagrl

on Apr 24, 2004

Ok, that last sentence made no sense...what it SHOULD have said was:

Like PoetMom said, and like Dave says, even if he's not 'here' he's with me, so I'm never really alone.

There. That makes sense now....

MadPoet41

on Apr 24, 2004

I never understood how it was possible to be in a room full of people but still feel desperately lonely until we started this remote assignment

Dharma~I identified so strongly with your quote that I just had to leave you a comment here. I know how rough all this has been on you? But like the other bloggers aready said~you are so close to the finish line! So keep hanging in there! I OFTEN feel lonely and apart (even in a very crowded room)? I think for myself~it is because I don't really care for superficial small talk, so that kinda creates a little problem or two socially. I'm never deliberately cruel to folks? But I am most truthful. And sad to say~only selective truth is considered attractive here in the world (or at least America!

.)

People will say the oddest things to me sometimes? For example, I once had a religious chap take offense big time because of a poem I'd just read at a reading (it was my own poem too), and he all of a sudden decided to interrupt my performance, and insanely state to the audience that people like me didn't even have a right to be born!

. This is kinda humorous because my poem was about an incest survivor that decided to get an abortion after she learned she was pregnant, and the father of the child was her very own uncle. Anyway, I calmly stared the rude dude down and said: "Do you contradict yourself? Oh yeah, you contradict yourself big time! So while you're at it~why don't you tell us what you think of the poem's rhyme scheme? I'd really like your humble opinion~truly."

Well, his face turned bright red, and he finally shut his silly little mouth, and left me in peace to continue my reading, etc.

. So what's the point of all this rambling here now? I am just giving you one example of how truly alone most of us are on this planet, and how VERY lucky you are to have your loving husband~some folks don't even have that much, etc. And you will be back in his wonderful company again before you know it, huh? So keep on blogging till the big moment! And know that many JU bloggers are counting the days along with you~because we want our Dharma to be truly happy and not so lonely anymore. You're already one day closer now! Thank you for sharing this very moving article!

~MadPoet

P.S. I can tell you really love your kids big time~that is such a blessing, huh?

dharmagrl

on Apr 24, 2004

I am happy, Mad..for the most part. I'm just human...and we need to be touched. People don't realize how important that is...the power of touch. I've been touch deprived for months..my kids hug me, I hug them, and that's all good...but it's not the same because I'm the one that has to be strong in that scenario, dig? I'M the parent, I'm the one that has to be strong. What I really want is to be the child receiving the hug. I want to be the one who feels nurtured and protected instead of the one doing the nurturing and protecting. Dave provides that for me.

shadesofgrey

on Apr 24, 2004

Dharma--

Thanks for sharing your feelings here. It's helped put mine into perspective--I'm feeling bad over the boyfriend situation, but really, if it wasn't right, I'd just be dooming myself to a lifetime of feeling lonely in a roomful of people with no chance of escape, right? Everytime those irrational little "it's better to be with someone, than to be on your own" thoughts coming parading through my head, I'm going to click on your blog and remind myself that lonliness isn't bother by the presence of others--it will creep in a gather all your attention regardless! Keeping my fingers crossed that I'll find my own "D."

dharmagrl

on Apr 24, 2004

Keeping my fingers crossed that I'll find my own "D."

You will. I believe that we are all destined to have one great love in our lifetime. I have been fortunate enough to have found and made a life with mine. I think that yours isn't too far away....and is probably thinking the same things that you are right now!

shadesofgrey

on Apr 24, 2004

....and is probably thinking the same things that you are right now!

really, you think he's thinking that Dharma should hurry up and get here with the Cherry Garcia?

any recommendations for a really good indulgent movie?

dharmagrl

on Apr 24, 2004

LOL, yes, that's what he's thinking...

any recommendations for a really good indulgent movie?

Oh, wow...so many...'Sweet November' with Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron is great, so is 'Under The Tuscan Sun' with Diane Lane, 'Phenomenon' - John Travolta...but my most-blubbed over has to be 'Braveheart'. it has EVERYTHING ...history, action, drama, romance...and of course Mel Gibson.

shadesofgrey

on Apr 24, 2004

Ok, I'm hitting Blockbuster! Thanks for the recommendations and the permission to bawl like a baby--it's going to be a good night.

Seriously though Dharma--thanks for the insight--I wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain/loneliness. My dad was in the military. I often thought deployment was harder on my Mom because she was the one back at home keeping things in line and trying to shield us kids, while my Dad was distracted by whatever mission he was on and the days seemed to go by faster for him. Listening to you, I'm only now beginning to realize what my Mom went through. Granted, I don't remember our neighbors acting like right eejits, so she had some aspects easier than you.

I'm here whenever you need to vent, and I've got the pity party planning kit should you ever need to borrow it!

Dan Kaschel

on Apr 24, 2004

"So, here I sit, smelling faintly of chlorine, missing my husband, wishing he were here or I were there. I need him, dig? I need to feel close to him, not emotionally close because I don't think we could really get any tighter emotionally than we already are - but physically close. I need to hold his hand, to feel his breath on the back of my head as we spoon at night. I need to be held - not by just anyone, but by him. I said this before - I never understood how it was possible to be in a room full of people but still feel desperately lonely until we started this remote assignment. I think that's what my problem is, and has been recently...all the months of separation are finally starting to wear on me a little. I have friends, but that's not what I need right now. I need my love, my one and my only. He's the only one who can satiate the needs I have."

That's some of the most beautiful writing I've ever read.

~Buddha

imajinit

on Apr 24, 2004

being in the military, I know how you feel about the whole separation thing Dharma. And as you know, there's another separation in my near future. To make matters worse, by the time I get back the lil miss will be gone off to vet school in Alabama. Then the real separation will be in effect. the 4 year one. but at least we'll be able to see each other every couple months.

My brother got orders to Korea a couple years ago and did the one year remote over there. his follow on was to Ft. Campbell. within 4 months of his arrival they sent him to the desert where he stayed for 10 months. Talk about hard times. he's been back since December (4 months now) and he and his wife are STILL trying to get used to each other again. I guess people change a bit in two years time.

You'll make it Dharma, the tough ones always do. 8 months from now this separation will all seem so distant... you'll have to go back and re-read these blogs to really recapture the feelings that you're experiencing right now.

dharmagrl

on Apr 25, 2004

You'll make it Dharma, the tough ones always do. 8 months from now this separation will all seem so distant... you'll have to go back and re-read these blogs to really recapture the feelings that you're experiencing right now.

Those words have more truth to them than I think you realize, MJ. And you're right, of course. The memories of this past year will fade come this fall...and that's one of the reasons I started this blog. I wanted to record how I was feeling and what I was thinking so that I could come back and re-read, re-capture what was going on with me whilst Dave was gone.

I'm feeling better this morning. I had a good cry last night (after all the crap that went on last week it was a long overdue blub) and got a solid 8 hrs sleep...woke up this morning feeling very serene and much better.

Thanks, everyone, for your support. It's very meaningful to me...

illusivedreamer

on Apr 25, 2004

I hate coining this stupid phrase but I gotta do it, "what doesen't kill us, only makes us stronger". Listen hun, you got it pegged. the time really will fly by shortly, more for you than for him, I would think, becouse you have the kids and the responsiblities you have to keep up on, which makes the days go by a little faster. Nothing like a little irratation to break up the monotany, responsablity is the pits sometimes!(

) Anyway, I think that everyone who breathes can relate to feelong alone even in a crowded room, and with that in mind, think of it this way, you do have visualizations, memories and such, that untill the time comes, can indeed be uplifting. Find a quiet room, ( a joke with children I know), clear your mind, refresh yourself with the complete scerenity of his touch, you can litterally feel it if you allow yourself to. Rememberance of a day that the two of your touches were so intense that the outer world was non exsistant, bring a reality to what you need. I know this all may sound insane, but try it hun, it really could replace your thoughts of loneliness. I know there wil nothing like the real thing, but this can work in the meantime.
I hate to say it but I am on the other side of the spectrum. I dream of not being alone while I have a spouse sitting in the same room. I dream of a greater, better more unselfish connection. Things have been so bad in our lives that I do not believe there is a real hope. Shadesofgrey....as I tell many others, careful what you wish for. You sound like you do just fine without, I too do, as a matter of fact, many times that is the answer, my lonliness builds a better character in me and I seem to do better in life when there is no hinderance of another person. But I guess that is all in the choosing. Maybe if I chose a differant type of man, I wouldn't be raising them along with my children, and become so exhausted with them. I would rather be alone!
Dharma, I will be right here, counting the days with you, parying for your contentment, within his return. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that through this you will also see what a special life you really have been blessed with. What a special feeling you have given me, replacing my own synacism with the knowledge that such love and closeness does still exsist in thie otherwise screwed up , hatefilled world. You must see, you are by no means alone....take a look at these replies.

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