Will love be enough?

Published on June 19, 2006 By dharmagrl In Personal Relationships

We had a major fight last night. Huge. Ugly.

Things were said, and as we all know, once something's said you can't unsay it. It just hangs there, shadowing everything else that's said after it, looming like some huge black thunderhead that threatens torrential rain.

It made good on it's threat, but there wasn't any rain. There were tears instead. My tears. Tears that burned my eyes and nose as they rained down my face and dripped onto the collar of my shirt.

I went and sat in the closet in the dark for a while. He doesn't understand why I do that, and I don't want to tell him the real reason why. I just tell him it's dark and I feel safe and able to be calm in there and he's ok with that. As long as he's ok with that, I'm ok with it. If there ever comes a day when I have to tell him the real reason, I won't be going and sitting in that closet anymore. So, I'll keep my secret for a while and hope that a day will come when I won't want or feel the need to sit in the closet.

We have very little in common anymore. The only common interest we have are our children, or at least it feels that way. He doesn't have any interest in my world, and I, whilst I HAVE to be a part of his professional life, have no interest in the things he likes. I've tried, I really have. I've tried for 10 years to be what he wants in the hope that he'll be more affectionate and demonstrative. I know that some of you are reading this and are saying to yourselves 'but look at the comments he left for you, and the time he sent you his shirt and bought you flowers'. I want you to know that I see those things too, but I know something that you don't: they were prompted. By me. Almost everything he does for me is prompted by me.

He's not a bad guy, and I don't want to villify him. He's just not like me, and I am not like him anymore. I am affectionate and playful and he's non-tactile and undemonstrative. Our romantic life has been dead for more years than I care to remember, and despite my attempts to revive it, it's remained flat-lined and cold.

I do love him, though. And that's what brings me to the title of this article: will love be enough? Will it be enough to sustain us until we can find some new common ground? Will it be enough of a salve to sooth all the wounds that our words have made? Will it be enough to revive our cold and dead passion for each other?

Will love be enough to salvage a functional, happy marriage out of the wreck of a relationship I'm living in?

I don't know.

Comments (Page 1)

dharmagrl

on Jun 19, 2006

following his Empness's lead....

obligatory appearance dot .

Moderateman

on Jun 19, 2006

man I am sorry D, But no love is not enough. there must be communication, understanding, respect and most importantly, compromise.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{karen}}}}}}}}} It's all I can offer A long distance hug.

elie

AngelaMarie88

on Jun 19, 2006

You know I'm the last person in the universe who could offer marital advice...

But from the comfort and support you've given me, and from the tidbits you've shared about yourself, you clearly have an enviable marriage, moreso than many do.

Something I'm still trying to master in my own marriage is that it takes WORK.

communication, understanding, respect and most importantly, compromise.

Of course you know that too. And you have worked hard. I have a feeling that you know it's worth the hard work and you're willing to keep working.

Or there's the alternative...take a break...who knows maybe absence can make your hearts grow fonder?

I'll shut up now. But here are some hugs from me too. (((((((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))

Texas Wahine

on Jun 19, 2006

Would he consider going to counseling?

It really is so helpful for working out each other's expectations and needs in a setting that feels neutral and nonjudgmental.

Sorry you're going through this, but I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a woman that cares enough to TRY.

Dr Guy

on Jun 19, 2006

I dont know D. But I hope that you find the answer and it is the right one for you and him.

Sometimes, between wedding and retirement, all there is are the Kids. And love. I hope you can use them to build other bridges.

Best of luck, and we have a couple of ears that are just aching for chewing when needed.

Shovelheat

on Jun 19, 2006

This article is one I really hated reading. I'm sorry Karen for your pain.

dharmagrl

on Jun 19, 2006

man I am sorry D, But no love is not enough. there must be communication, understanding, respect and most importantly, compromise.

I think that if I am totally honest with myself, I know that's true, Elie. But I don't want it to be true. I don't want it to not be enough. I don't want to be without him, and I don't want to be alone with 3 kids, pushing 40 and unmarketable in pretty much every sense of the word.

Because I don't want the alternative, all I am left with is handfulls of hope that this will work, that I can make it work. But when I look at my hands, I can see hope trickling through my fingers....and I don't know how much longer I can hang onto it for.

Something I'm still trying to master in my own marriage is that it takes WORK

Yep, it does. The dynamics of a relationshop are constantly growing and changing, and you have to keep up with them. It's work, and it's sometimes hard work. Unfortunately, the Air Force has taken him to places where I can't be a lot in the past few years, and trying to keep up with those changing dynamics via emails and sparse and unreliable phone calls is an incredibly challenging thing....something that I think I have failed to do.

And you have worked hard. I have a feeling that you know it's worth the hard work and you're willing to keep working.

I don't know, Angela. I think that when I realized I couldn't be my true self in this relationship, I simply stopped trying. I didn't see the point of trying to make him happy, because he was going to be the same way no matter what I did - and I knew that from experience; a very recent experience to be exact. So I quit. And that's what yesterday was about.

Would he consider going to counseling?

He probably would. We've been before, and it really didn't help us. We'd leave the advice we'd been given at the clinic door. All the lessons I've learned in this relationship have been earned the hard way, Tex. By experience, sometimes cold and hard experience.

Sorry you're going through this, but I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a woman that cares enough to TRY

I've BEEN trying. I don't know how much more I can give. I didn't quit trying because I felt like it, I quit because I was so fucking tired of trying. Exhausted is an appropriate description.

Sometimes, between wedding and retirement, all there is are the Kids. And love.

I'm feeling that right now. That's all there is between us. Love and genetic ties. That's it.

JillUser

on Jun 19, 2006

This article is one I really hated reading. I'm sorry Karen for your pain.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Or there's the alternative...take a break...who knows maybe absence can make your hearts grow fonder?

I think you've had enough time away from each other to know the answer to that one.

Love isn't enough. The marriage has to feel mutually beneficial. The words "cold and dead passion" are alarming to hear.

dharmagrl

on Jun 19, 2006

This article is one I really hated reading.

I didn't like writing it either. I wanted to keep a happy, joyus facade on it all. But I simply don't have the strength to maintain that anymore; it was starting to crumble and crack and I'm tired of trying to paint a happy picture when the reality is anything but that. I'm fucking tired of it, Joe. Tired and unsatisfied and fed up and just really, really unhappy.

Thank you all for your advice and sentiments, btw.

dharmagrl

on Jun 19, 2006

The words "cold and dead passion" are alarming to hear.

They're even more alarming to feel and to verbalize.

I think you've had enough time away from each other to know the answer to that one

Yeah, we have. Time apart makes you idealize the other person, and it's incredibly hard and sometimes impossible to live up to those ideals.

InBloom

on Jun 19, 2006

Your sadness just pours through in this article...sorry you have to deal with this. I hope that your husband opens his eyes to how he is making you feel.

dharmagrl

on Jun 19, 2006

I hope that your husband opens his eyes to how he is making you feel.

He knows, but I'm not blaming him for how I feel. I can't. It's not his fault; he's just unable to give me what I need right now. At least, I think that he is. Whether he truly is remains to be seen.

Dr Guy

on Jun 19, 2006

It's not his fault; he's just unable to give me what I need right now. At least, I think that he is. Whether he truly is remains to be seen.

Awareness and honesty open up more avenues. Your honesty is brutal, but perhaps that will lead you to the way you need to go.

I hope so. You are very wise, and insightful.

dharmagrl

on Jun 19, 2006

Your honesty is brutal, but perhaps that will lead you to the way you need to go.

I think so. I cannot live in an artificial skin anymore. I can't, and I won't. So, honesty is my only avenue now. Which means that he can either love and want to be with the real me, my true self, and we'll work on this and stay together, or he can decide that he can't tolerate me and we'll split up.

Thank you for the compliment, DG.

EmperorofIceCream

on Jun 19, 2006

I've stood where you are, staring into the abyss, seeing only intolerable darkness and hopelessness. My first marriage ended in divorce, after 12 years. 12 years of pretence on my part, trying desperately to be what I was not in order to please another. At the end I faced a situation in which (so it seemed) I had no options, no choices, no hope for something else. And your situation is complicated in ways that mine was not - by serious ill-health and children.

In our case love was not enough. I loved my first wife very much, and to this day I remember her with great fondness and respect, but for reasons too many and various to recount here, she had fallen out of love with me. At least, out of the kind of love there ought to be between a man and his wife. I've no idea if that's so for you and your husband: I hope not. But if it is, I have these words of comfort for you - it will astonish you to discover what you are capable of when necessity requires you to be capable. And it may well be that you will find, as I did, that life is not over for you - no matter how bleak your prospects presently seem.

I made a new life for myself, despite being convinced that I could not - and so will you. Whether it's a new life with your husband remains to be seen. Perhaps, if you determine within yourself that you will be yourself, no matter what, he will be so shocked that he will turn around and reconsider both his own life and your lives together, and find again in this new person whatever it was that once drew him to you. Or perhaps not: there are no guarantees.

I remember visiting a friend, in the early days after my wife informed me of her infidelity, and telling this friend that I found all the difficulties and uncertainties that I then faced to be refreshing , after the years of stagnation and depression that I'd known. Yes, times will be hard for you if your marriage finally collapses - how could they not be? But if you face these hard times with determination you will overcome them, just as I did.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, your life is not over yet.

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