Will love be enough?

Published on June 19, 2006 By dharmagrl In Personal Relationships

We had a major fight last night. Huge. Ugly.

Things were said, and as we all know, once something's said you can't unsay it. It just hangs there, shadowing everything else that's said after it, looming like some huge black thunderhead that threatens torrential rain.

It made good on it's threat, but there wasn't any rain. There were tears instead. My tears. Tears that burned my eyes and nose as they rained down my face and dripped onto the collar of my shirt.

I went and sat in the closet in the dark for a while. He doesn't understand why I do that, and I don't want to tell him the real reason why. I just tell him it's dark and I feel safe and able to be calm in there and he's ok with that. As long as he's ok with that, I'm ok with it. If there ever comes a day when I have to tell him the real reason, I won't be going and sitting in that closet anymore. So, I'll keep my secret for a while and hope that a day will come when I won't want or feel the need to sit in the closet.

We have very little in common anymore. The only common interest we have are our children, or at least it feels that way. He doesn't have any interest in my world, and I, whilst I HAVE to be a part of his professional life, have no interest in the things he likes. I've tried, I really have. I've tried for 10 years to be what he wants in the hope that he'll be more affectionate and demonstrative. I know that some of you are reading this and are saying to yourselves 'but look at the comments he left for you, and the time he sent you his shirt and bought you flowers'. I want you to know that I see those things too, but I know something that you don't: they were prompted. By me. Almost everything he does for me is prompted by me.

He's not a bad guy, and I don't want to villify him. He's just not like me, and I am not like him anymore. I am affectionate and playful and he's non-tactile and undemonstrative. Our romantic life has been dead for more years than I care to remember, and despite my attempts to revive it, it's remained flat-lined and cold.

I do love him, though. And that's what brings me to the title of this article: will love be enough? Will it be enough to sustain us until we can find some new common ground? Will it be enough of a salve to sooth all the wounds that our words have made? Will it be enough to revive our cold and dead passion for each other?

Will love be enough to salvage a functional, happy marriage out of the wreck of a relationship I'm living in?

I don't know.

Comments (Page 2)

dharmagrl

on Jun 21, 2006

What disturbed me most about this was the fact that you say you've never felt able to 'be yourself' in this relationship, which means that all these years you've been being what you think he wants you to be, and apparently that hasn't worked.

I WAS myself when we got married. Over the years, however, my tolerance for browbeating grew less and less, so I changed and changed and changed in order to avoid it. Now I'm in danger of losing myself totally, and I'm looking back and wondering why I changed.

Here's an example of how I'm being myself: he liked my hair short and red. I'm growing it longer and it's blonder. I don't really care if he doesn't like it now; I do and that's enough for me.

Love can be enough...but only temporarily, Karen. Love can carry you through rocky days, weeks, years, it can carry you long enough to resolve issues and reconnect, it that's what's meant to be.

We're trying to reconnect. Whether we'll be successful or not remains to be seen.

12 years of pretence on my part, trying desperately to be what I was not in order to please another. At the end I faced a situation in which (so it seemed) I had no options, no choices, no hope for something else. And your situation is complicated in ways that mine was not - by serious ill-health and children.

That's the thing that's the hardest to think about: the health issues. I cannot seem to get past that when I think about what would happen if I left.

Here's hoping the light of day has given you a brigher outlook on things

It did, a little. I can focus now, and whilst it scares me to think about what I would do if we're not together, I'm able to at least start to think about what I need to do.

(I've seen your latest article, and I want to apologize. I'm not THAT self absorbed, but right now I am slightly wrapped up in myself. I also want you to know that I left responses yesterday - or at least I thought that I did. I came, typed, pressed 'post comment', and then navigated away from the page. Obviously my comments didn't post. JU was screwy yesterday; Pseudo said that he couldn't get my page to load at all. So, maybe JU is to blame, maybe I am for being to hasty to get away from my page. I dunno. Either way, I'm sorry that you thought I had abandoned you....I honestly didn't meant to, and I feel bad that you felt like I had)

pseudosoldier

on Jun 21, 2006

That's the thing that's the hardest to think about: the health issues. I cannot seem to get past that when I think about what would happen if I left.

Disclaimer: divorce laws differ by state.
In Texas, alimony is normally limited to three years in duration but can be adjudicated to be indefinite if the spouse awarded the alimony has disabilities. I don't know if yours would qualify, but I feel they should.

But I know you'd actually investigate this more closely if it were actually an option. Which it's not. Which is why you're allowing yourself to worry about it instead of investigating. Which is actually kind of reassuring.

But I don't want to say the 'd' word again.

dharmagrl

on Jun 21, 2006

Its not just you, karen, and its not just *this* thread, either.

I do hope things get better for you soon, though, I miss my old friend...

I caught a glimpse of her on the flying threads...and then she flew away again. (or just had a hard landing.)

I'm glad it's not me.

I miss her too. She's still here, she's just been overwhelmed with all kinds of garbage.

She'll be back, trust me.

In Texas, alimony is normally limited to three years in duration but can be adjudicated to be indefinite if the spouse awarded the alimony has disabilities. I don't know if yours would qualify, but I feel they should

They would. The only reason I don't get disability payments is because I'm 2 credits short of the necessary work credits. So, I'd qualify. But, I wouldn't take his money, Miah. I have no interest in alimony or anything like that.

But I know you'd actually investigate this more closely if it were actually an option. Which it's not. Which is why you're allowing yourself to worry about it instead of investigating. Which is actually kind of reassuring.

I'm not investigating it, no. It's not necessary. If 'we' don't make it, then I'm not interested in any money apart from child support. I don't want him to help support me, I wouldn't feel right about alimony.

With every fight we have, with every bicker, with every snide comment or disagreement, the more I see that the d word might actually be reality. Things have to change, and they have to change drastically, or....well, I'm not going to say anymore.

But I don't want to say the 'd' word again

Neither do I.

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