Sometimes in life, you have to do things to preserve your sanity.  Sometimes, you have to shut the door and walk away in order to not die inside.

I had a door to shut back in the 90's.  I had to do something I wasn't proud of, something that I still carry some guilt about. 

I had to walk away from this fight to maintain my self.  To not die.  I had to drag my broken heart and almost shattered mind away, because if i didn't....well, I don't think I'd be talking to you now.  I'd either be in jail, a locked mental ward, or dead.

I was married before, as some of you know.  I married young, and I married for some very shallow reasons.  He looked good, and he was a good lay.  He thought the same about me.  I thought I loved him.  He thought the same about me. 

It wasn't until after the fact that I knew it wasn't love.

We got married, and we had babies.  A girl, followed 18 months later by a boy (I WAS a good lay, afterall). 

Things went wrong.  He lied, he cheated, and he did some things to me physically that I'm not going to relate here.  I'm not even going to go into them at all, not even in my own head.  I can't.  I simply can't.

He filed for divorce, and cut off all support to me.  I had only been in the US for a very short time and my permanent visa was still in the works.  He terminated it, and threatened to have me deported.  I had nothing by then - the divorce was almost final, and I was in the country illegally so finding the kind of job that would let me support 2 kids was impossible.  His sister volunteerd to have the kids so I could work.  She'd always been on my side, so I, like a fool, trusted her and left the kids at her house, supposedly until the weekend when I'd go and get them.

She took my kids, and she gave them to him.  I never saw them again.

I was at a loss.  I could either stay and fight and get deported, or I could leave and still be eligible to come back to the US and try and get them back.

I left.  Again, like a fool, I left.

I went to my parent's house, broken in mind and spirit, and after a few weeks of futiley calling and trying to find a way to get them back, after a wasted 4 months in the US trying to get to them.....I closed the door.

I went to my mom's, almost broken to the point of insanity, and I closed the door.  I grieved.  I HAD to close the door in order to stay whole.

I met Dave, and we started a family of our own.  It wasn't until I met him that I had an idea of what true love is.  It wasn't until I experienced him that I knew what i had felt before was nothing but infatuation verging on insanity.

I thought about my babies all the time, I cried for them on their birthdays and on holidays.  I cried for them, and Dave held me. 

In the past year, I've heard from my daughter.  She's 16 now, and she looks a lot like me.  She and her adoptive mother moved away from the insanity personnified that is her father, and they too saw what I now see.  They found me, and she called me.  She understands that the horror stories her father told her about me were untrue.  She wants to know me.  And, I want to know her. 

Her brother lives with his father, who has yet another wife and yet another child.  He knows that the stories about me aren't true, but he prefers to live with his dad.  Boys need their fathers, I guess, especially 15 year old boys.

I know that there are some people who will say that I didn't fight hard enough, that I should have done things differently.  To them I say: I beat myself up for years with those thoughts.  I almost drove myself crazy with those thoughts.  I did what I could to the best of my abilities until I couldn't give any more.

I did what I could, and I did the best I could.  I had to close the door and walk away.  It was self preservation.  It would have been easy to lay down and die, and at one point I really did want to. 

Sometimes we have to do things that we don't like, that are painful to us.  Sometimes our self-preservation instinct takes over and we have to walk away from thing to remain sane.  Sometimes the spark of humanity in our core is the only thing that keeps us going. 

I had to close the door, and I had to walk away.