I'm off to see Dr Tabakian this morning to see what he can do to help me with the neuropathic pain I've been left with since the spinal fusion surgery.
I'm a bit scared, to be honest. I'm afraid that he's going to say "there's nothing I can do, go home" and that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my days.
Having said that....I do have confidence in his abilities. He's the Director of Anesthesiology at St Louis University Hospital and has credentials out the wazoo. I was expecting him to be from Pakistan with a last name like his, but he's not. He's Lebanese; he went to med school in Beruit and then moved to Baltimore to finish up his Professor-ship (don't know the right word for that, sorry!).
So, I've come to the conclusion that my fear is just me doing my usual 'doom and gloom' routine. I do that a lot; I think it comes from being let down time after time in the past. I've just got so used to disappointment that I automatically think the worst case scenario will happen so I won't be disappointed again. It's a defense mechanism, and it's a crappy one.....it's something that I really ought to work on but I simply don't have the mental fortitude to do that right now. Things are better than they were 3 weeks ago; I don't wake up to daylight and get that sinking feeling and I'm not going days without eating or taking a shower.....but I'm still feeling a bit fragile. There are people who have helped me along the way, and they know who they are (M, K, LW, P, D and T - Thank you all so much for being kind and gentle with me, for being there when I needed an ear and for kicking me in the rear when you thought I needed it too) and they've helped enormously.
Anyway, JU, I'm going to go shower, and then D and I are loading up in the Explorer and heading into town to see Dr Tabakian and his bag o' tricks. Hopefully he'll have something in there for me.....