Don't bother.

Published on November 14, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

*this is a letter to my birth mother that I will never send. In other words, it's a rant, and a much needed one*

Dear Veronica,

I want to say that words fail me, but that would be a lie. They don't fail me. It's just that the ones that come to mind right now aren't very nice...they are words that I won't use towards you, out of respect.

See, that's the one thing I don't think you gave me, Veronica. Respect. You couldn't respect me enough to give me what I asked for. I didn't ask much from you. I never asked to meet you face to face, to have a mother-daughter relationship with you. I never even asked to be your friend. All I ever asked you for in 36 years was a brief medical history so that i can take care of my health, and my children's health. I even paid for you to respond...and you didn't.

I've tried to come up with reasons for you not responding. I've tried to create scenarios in my head that would prevent you from replying to my letters. I can't, as yet, come up with any that don't include you being incredibly selfish. Yes, you. Selfish. I know that you told your husband and you kids about me, so it can't be because of them that you haven't written. I know too that you got the letters, so don't say that you never got them. You're just selfish.

Too damn selfish to take quarter of an hour to respond to me. Too damn selfish, too worried about her own feelings, too self centered. I was worried about YOUR feelings. I wrote and rewrote half a dozen times, trying to say what I wanted to say and not hurt your feelings. Apparently you can't do the same for me. You can't even be bothered to respond to me.

Do you know how many days in a row I went nervously to the mailbox, looking for a letter from England that didn't have my mum and dad's address on it? No. Do you know how disappointed I was when the realization that you weren't going to respond set in? No. Do you know how hard I cried on my husband's shoulder when the truth hit me? No. Do you know why you don't know those things?

Because you're selfish.

Knowing what I know about you now, Veronica, I'm glad that you gave me up for adoption. I've had a stable, happy childhood. I wouldn't have got that with you. See, I know more about you than you think, I know that you gave me away, then you went and married my father and had 2 more kids with him. I know that you left him for another man, and that you also left those kids. I know that you had 2 other kids with your new man....but then you upped and left him too. You never had children with your next husband....but you did know that he was a sex offender. You knew what he had done, yet you lived in the same house as him with your 2 little girls.

I have nothing more to say about that.

So, Veronica, I'm glad that you gave me up. I'm glad that you don't have the balls to acknowledge me. I'm glad that you're selfish. Because now, now that I know...I can pretend you don't exist.

I should have done that in the first place.

Comments

Tova7

on Nov 14, 2005

Wow D you are really pissed off.

Having read this letter, I see that you were emotionally invested in her response even though you tried not to be. I won't lie. This is gonna take you some time to get over.

Even though she gave you up and it was not personal rejection, sure feels like it doesn't it? And the fact she didn't want to contact you now...feels like being rejected twice. She is your birth mother. She's "rejected" you twice. Now what?

For me, it was the "now what" part that was hardest. So I can only offer my experience.

It's over. It doesn't matter if you want it to be or how you feel, it IS over. Now you have to take the focus off her and turn the high intensity beams inward. I know you sited medical reasons for contacting her. Is that really THE reason? I don't know, I am just asking. Because unless your honest with yourself about what you hoped would happen when you contacted her I don't think you'll heal.

When I went to see my mom as an adult, I went with expectations I didn't even know I had. Not so much for a mother/daughter thing, but for a connection. Some sort of connection to the woman who birthed me. I spent a week with her and asked lots of questions, and do you know what? I NEVER really got the answers I wanted. Yeah she gave me answers, but they were as flimsy as our relationship. I got NO GRATIFICATION at all with coming face to face with her.

All it did was make me realize I needed to ask myself why I wanted to talk with a woman who didn't want me anyway.

The last thing my mom said to me was, "Tonya I have a family. You don't fit in any part of it. Have a safe trip back."

I went back home and literally paced the floors for three days. I can still remember the sun gleaming off the hard wood floors as I paced day and night for three literal days trying to sort this all in my head.

This is what I thought about....

Why doesn't my mom want me? Am I so horrible that she will accept all her other kids but not me? She doesn't even want a Christmas Card relationship. Why? How can she just not love me? What did I ever do to make her so indifferent? How will I live knowing I have 7 other siblings by her that I will probably never know because they do have a relationship with her and I don't. Can I be a good person even though my own mother doesn't want me? How could she? On and on.

At the end of it D this is what I came up with for me....

I don't know. I can't answer any of those questions for her or with any real authority since I don't know her. It is not my fault she doesn't want me, the problem lies solely with her. Whatever her reasons for not wanting me, they will no doubt go to the grave with her. Meanwhile, I have a full life ahead of me. I won't look back anymore. It will not affect my successfulness in life. I can't allow it too because it is not something I can do anything about. I will just have to chalk it up to..."Not answered this side of heaven."

So, when I want to think about it I do, but no pity parties. No anger. She is a woman who made a bad decision but not one I will allow to effect the rest of my life.

And after about a year, the sting went away, and after about another year, the memories of that last encounter faded, and after about another year, I stopped thinking about it all together.

It takes time. But in the end, no matter how much crying and anger you devote to this issue, you can't change it. You can't change her.

I can say "Don't take it personal" but I know there is no other way to take it.

I don't know how pragmatic you are, or what you are like emotionally, but I am the type of person that hits a dead end and rails against the dead end trying to change it...screaming and punching. BUT only for awhile, then I realize its not something in my control, look around bashfully at all the people who watched me throw a fit against a dead end, and shrug it off while turning the corner.

For every day you cry, for every day you grieve, you are one day closer to the grave and no progress made. (In this situation.)

That's my take, hope some of it helps, and none of it offends.

Thinking of you.

t

HC1240

on Nov 14, 2005

((((((((((((((((((((((((((K))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I have no words.

dharmagrl

on Nov 14, 2005

I have no words.

It's ok. Thank you.

I can say "Don't take it personal" but I know there is no other way to take it.

I tried not to. I really did. I tried not to get involved, I tried not to invest any emotion in it. And, to a certain extent, I succeeded.

All I wanted was closure. All I wanted was a note saying "I'm glad you're alive, there are no diseases that you need to know about - have a nice life". That was all. To hear back from her would have been like a book that's been open for 36 years finally closing.

But she can't even give me that.

I'm ok, now. I'm over it. I cried a few tears, let out some emotion, and I'm pressing on. She wouldn't close the book for me, so I did it myself.

Maybe she gave you all she had to give the moment she gave you up, dharma.

It's sufficed you all these years...

Yes, it did, and it will again.

Tova7

on Nov 14, 2005

Pfft...you mean I typed all that and you are already over it?

Shesh, it always rubs to see someone in the sorta same situation I was in earlier in life, handle it better and wiser than I knew how at the time!

Shesh.

Shesh.

(Just kidding. Good for you D!)

dharmagrl

on Nov 14, 2005

Pfft...you mean I typed all that and you are already over it?

Hehehe..I'm getting there. Writing this helped me let a lot of it go. Holding those things in wasn't doing me any good.

Am I over it totally? No, not yet. But I'm a damn sight better than I was when I got up this morning.

So she says...

Yeah, the proof of the pudding will be in the eating, huh? I'm not totally over it, no. But, I will be. I let a lot of stuff go writing this letter....I'm a lot more at peace with the whole thing now. And time heals all wounds.

KarmaGirl

on Nov 14, 2005

Sounds like you are better off not knowing her. Maybe she can't respond. Maybe she is so utterly ashamed of her life that she can't find anything to say. Maybe she is illiterate and can't read

Blood does not make relation. I have a couple cousins that are adopted and know where their biological parents are and how to find them. But, they choose not to. They know their "real" parents, and that's all they need. They lived with their real family, they know their real cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I am sure that they get curious now and then, but ignorance might be bliss. Maybe it is better not to know and not to care.

I had an Uncle (he died a few years ago) that had all his kids taken away from him. My grandma adopted the oldest of them. So, his daughter became legally his sister. They knew who each other were. She tried as an adult to connect with him as a daughter, but he wouldn't do that even though he knew her his entire life. He died with never giving her an ounce of compassion. She would have been better off being adopted by somebody far away and never knowing him. At least then she could have walked away, been curious, but not hurt through and through by how he reacted toward her.

dharmagrl

on Nov 14, 2005

She would have been better off being adopted by somebody far away and never knowing him. At least then she could have walked away, been curious, but not hurt through and through by how he reacted toward her.

If anyone were to ask me whether I advocate adopted kids finding their birth parents, I'd say no. I'll never do it again.

ignorance might be bliss.

In my case, it was.

(I know she's not illiterate, btw. I got a partial education history for her in my adoption 'package')

I thought she might be ashamed and that might be the reason...but my gawd, I practically begged her to not leave me hanging and to just acknowledge me by sending me a medical history. She couldn't even do that.

Dr Guy

on Nov 14, 2005

I know you are hurt. I wish there were magic words for us to give you. Sadly, we can only give you our hugs and shoulders.

You are better than all of it. You have proved it.

peace. And happiness.

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