Dave and I had a monster fight last night, that somehow carried over to this morning.
I hate fighting at the best of times, but when we're thousands of miles apart it really sucks. We have a habit of hanging up on each other when we're getting angry, which seems like a good idea at the time but only serves to infuriate the person on the other end and inevitably leads to disintegration of patience and childish, tit-for-tat behaviour.
He hadn't really done anything wrong, but what he did do just caught me the wrong way at the wrong time and I pretty much had a meltdown on him.
I had this fear before he left for the year, that he would change whilst he was there and grow to like being single again. He's been gone before, yes, but not for this long or under these circumstances - this is a whole new ball game for us. Anyway, there really isn't a lot to do where he's at (Thule AB, Greenland), and what there IS to do usually involves alcohol consumption. Dave never really drank after we got married, he drank a lot before we started dating but decided to quit. In the 10 years we've been married I can count on the fingers of one hand the number times he's been shitfaced, and it wasn't a regular thing for him to drink.
So, he gets up to Thule, and after he's been there for a week goes to the club and has a couple of drinks. No big deal. A couple of weeks after that he goes and gets totally wasted (that caused a fight too). Since then I (In my own mind) have seen a progression. He drinks more now then he ever has done throughout our entire marriage, and whilst it's only once or twice a week and is really no big deal, I, in my twisted way, see it as him changing, as my fear being realized.
Last night I called to say goodnight. He had said that he was going to be in the dayroom, playing spades, and that he would have his phone on him in case I called. Someone else answered the phone, and I could hardly hear what they were saying over all the whooping, hollering and music going on in the background. I asked for Dave, and they asked if I was his wife, then said "oh shit" when I said I was. Like I said, that caught me off guard, and when Dave came to the phone I literally freaked out on him and started yelling at him about lying to me. I asked if he had been drinking, and he said he had, which only added to my fury and I yelled some more. The fight that ensued wasn't pretty, nor was it constructive. It got out of hand, we yelled, hung up on each other a bunch, and ended with my going into a tirade about how I have limits and he consistently pushes those limits..I give an inch, he takes a mile, blah, blah, blah. Then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
I got up this morning and felt awful. All he was doing was having a few drinks with the guys, what's the harm in that? Why am I so insecure about that? Why can't I deal with him drinking? Why did I make such a big deal out of it? The thing that I have the most problems with is that he doesn't do that with me; he doesn't stay up until all hours partying with me - which only compounds my feeling like he's changing and I don't know who he is anymore.
I sat down and wrote him an email about how I felt and why I think I feel it. What it boils down to is my insecurity and fear of losing him. I don't like feeling like that, like this, but I don't know how to stop. Like I said, I push my own limits, I try to encourage him to do things that make me feel slightly uncomfortable (and I do tell him that) because I don't want to be controlling, I don't want him to be 'whipped'...and I feel that he takes those limits and pushes them even further (notice I said that's how I feel, not how it actually is)
Dave called this morning and said he wasn't going to drink anymore, which isn't what I wanted him to do. All I wanted him to do was be a little more... errmmm....respectful is the only word I can come up with, of my limitations, of my comfort zones, and help me get over this fear that I have ( I told him that last night). Instead he took it to the extreme, which has caused even more tension between us.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. Whilst we agreed to not fight anymore, there is still this awful tension, and it's killing me. I've apologized, and so has he, I've tried to explain, and he came back at me with "it's all about you, you, you"...which it is, I suppose.
I hate arguments.