Dreading the silence

Published on November 3, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

Dear Dave,

I'm sitting in our bed, trying to click away at the keyboard as quietly as I can so that I won't wake you. You are, as usual, snoring away next to me. You're the only person I know who snores no matter what position they lie in, did I ever tell you that? I think that I must have, we've talked about your nocturnal rumblings often enough.

I know that I complain about your snoring, but I think that you know I secretly like it. It's very comforting to struggle out of what I thought was a dream about motorcycles or chainsaws only to realize that it's you making the noise. It's nice to be able to fling out an arm to prod you and tell you to roll over and actually feel you there. I enjoy hearing you grumble about how my finger in your ribs hurt and that it's my imagination, that you really aren't making any noise at all.

I find your snoring comforting in a way that a child in utero must find it's mother's heart beat comforting when it's first born. It's familiar...it makes me feel secure, because if I can hear you snoring, it means that you're laying next to me. It means I'm not alone.

I dread silent nights, babe. I hate waking suddenly because all of a sudden I've somehow realized it's too quiet and that quiet isn't good. Quiet means you're not where you should be - quiet means you're not home where you belong.

I don't sleep well when you're away. I doze for a few nights until I'm so exhausted that my body simply shuts down and goes into a deep, restorative sleep. It's nights like those when I wake up in a haze, thinking that everything's right with our world - until I throw out an arm to prod you and realize that your side of the bed is empty. That it's quiet, and I'm alone.

For the next 4 nights, I'm going to stay awake as long as I can, listening to you sleep. I want to drink every second of it up, I want to absorb so much of your sound that I will have enough memory of it to last me a few weeks....until you are home again. Maybe I'll make an Mp3 sound byte of your snoring and breathing and, when I really can't sleep, put on my headphones and lay here in the dark and pretend. Maybe I'll be able to fool my body and my mind. Maybe. Maybe not.

Or maybe I'll just leave the TV on to drown out the deafening silence and doze my way through your absence, hoping that it will pass uneventfully and that you will, in due time, take your rightful place in our bed and once more disturb my sleep with your snoring. I think that's a better idea. Hearing you snore when you're not here has the potential to be very confusing for my poor little brain.

So go, kick ass at the academy - make me prouder of you than I already am. Then, bring yourself and your chainsaw snores back home where they belong.

I'll be keeping your side of the bed warm.

I love you - always.

*Sunny*

Comments

Furry Canary

on Nov 04, 2005

Thank you for sharing, Dharma - that's the most moving piece of writing I've read in quite a while. I tip my hat to you. That Dave is a lucky man.

Dr Guy

on Nov 04, 2005

I concur with Furry. Dave is one lucky man.

dharmagrl

on Nov 04, 2005

Thank you for sharing, Dharma - that's the most moving piece of writing I've read in quite a while. I tip my hat to you

Thank YOU, Furry. I'm glad that the sentiment behind the words was apparent.

You can always call here, dharma, and I'll put Simon's snoring on speakerphone for you

If it gets really bad, I might take you up on that!

I concur with Furry. Dave is one lucky man

Thank you.

When I was writing this last night, he rolled over, looked at me typing away and said 'You have GOT to be fucking kidding me"....then rolled back over and started snoring again....so I didn't expect too great a reaction from him regarding this article when I showed it to him this morning.

I was wrong. He read it, laughed as he was reading it, and then smiled and kissed me on the cheek (totally unprompted, I might add) when he was done.

He says that sometimes he's embarrassed by my writing about him, but I'm starting to think that it's a front that he puts on and that he secretly likes it.

Tova7

on Nov 04, 2005

Dharma that was the best article on love and snoring I've ever read....uh, er, ok maybe the only one!; )

Really though, how long have you been married?

My husband is gone a lot. He is gone right now in fact. But if he snored I would kill him...hehe. I can't stand any noise when I try to sleep. If its something like a fan, ok I can live with it. But something grating like a snore.....we'd have seperate bedrooms!

I think its because the men in my family snore. I mean SNORE! It is so loud no matter where you are in the house you can hear it.

When we used to go to the country as a family and all the men would be in the back sleeping....all the women would be in the kitchen sitting around the table sipping coffee ALL NIGHT LONG because they knew sleeping wasn't a possibility. By the end of the three day visit, the women looked like hell and the men could never understand why they wanted to GO HOME.

Again, good piece. Your man is lucky you like it!

dharmagrl

on Nov 04, 2005

Really though, how long have you been married?

12 years next January. He didn't snore when we first got married, though. It's only in the last 5 or so years that he's started it. He's not overweight, so I know that's not the cause. He's just....a snorer!

just john

on Nov 04, 2005

I am really going to comment this time.

I read these and I generally write a one word comment like beautiful or moving but I never post them. I always say to myself 'self ... she knows that this is great writing'. I won't let that opportunity pass me by again.

You give us just a peek into your world. You allow us to be a part of something that is truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing something that reminds us all to pay attention to the little things. They are the ones you always miss most.

BigDreamer415

on Nov 04, 2005

Good gosh, love is gorgeous.

~Sarah

dharmagrl

on Nov 04, 2005

Good gosh, love is gorgeous.

Yeah, it is. *smiles* Once you've found the real deal, Sarah-girl, you hang onto it. Sometimes you need to use both hands and all your strength, but you hang on regardless.....because when you've found your one, your 'real deal', there simply is not letting go.

You give us just a peek into your world. You allow us to be a part of something that is truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing something that reminds us all to pay attention to the little things. They are the ones you always miss most.

Wow....thank you so much for your kind words. Again, I'm glad that I was able to find the words to express what I was feeling (still am feeling), and I'm doubly glad that you got to sneak a peek into what I've got.

Love doesn't mean a damn thing until you share it.

HC1240

on Nov 04, 2005

He says that sometimes he's embarrassed by my writing about him, but I'm starting to think that it's a front that he puts on and that he secretly likes it.

Of course he does. Who doesn't like to know that they are cherished... and if the rest of the world is made to sit up and take notice, so be it.

One Valentine's Day I went all out. I took pictures of myself holding a box of chocolates in all different positions with captions (standing on head, "I'm head over heels for you"). I left them in Joel's car, knowing he was heading out to a men's meeting at church that day. I created a powerpoint presentation for him that detailed all of the many reasons he means so much to me and put it on a CD, also left on the front seat of his car - he couldn't wait and had to view it at the church (in front of all his friends). The icing on the cake was the car. I wrote "I love you" with car chalk all over the outside of it I filled it with balloons so that he had to push them out of the way to get in. He griped a bit about being such a spectacle driving all over town in that car... yet for some reason it took him over a week to get it to the carwash

and for someone who was embarassed, he sure went out of his way to make sure all his friends knew what I had done...

They might protest, but it's a wonderful thing to realize that you are loved... that someone cares about you that much... and even better when the rest of the world knows it too.

You brought me to tears with this article, Dharma... beautifully written, but more than that... beautiful love. I can feel how much you're going to miss him. I pray that the next couple of days move as if in slow motion, and that the days following his departure fly like the wind. Thanks for sharing. *sniff, sniff*

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