Dear Veronica

I don't know what to say.

Published on September 29, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

*This is a censored version of my letter to my birth mother*

Dear Veronica

My name is Karen, and I think you know who I am.

i don't really know where to start, what to say. I've though often about this moment, about what I would do....but now that it's here I'm at a loss for words. I simply don't know whats is apropo to say to the person who created, carried and birthed you...

I do want you to know that I have no animosity towards you. I'm not angry or mad, your actions don't disgust me. I understand why you did what you did, I understand how difficult it was for you. I understand the pain that you suffered, and I'm not holding any of it against you. You did a totally unselfish thing...you gave of yourself, you took on pain and angst so that other people could have a chance at happiness. There is no greater sacrifice, as far as I'm concerned.

I suppose I ought to tell you a bit about myself. I, like you have been married more than once. I've been married to Dave for almost 12 years, and we have 3 children - Shea, (she'll be 13 in a couple of weeks) Davey (who's 11), and Jake (who's 9). I'm living in Illinois, close to St Louis at the moment; before this I lived in South Dakota for 9 years. I've been back and forth between England and the US since I was 20, and I've lost a fair bit of my British accent..but it still comes out occasionally. As of right now we don't have any plans to move back to the UK, but you never know.....

I wish I could tell you what kind of relationship I want to have with you, Veronica...but right now I can't. I looked for you for one reason - a medical history. I had a lump removed from my breast last year, and the year before that I almost died in a car accident...and both those events bought home to me the need to have an idea of what, if any, diseases or conditions run in my genetic history. I already know about the kidney problems - I have an abnormal kidney and Shea had to have a kidney removed when she was an infant, so it's obvious that THAT'S a genetic issue - but I really do need to know if there's anything else. Like I said, I looked for you for one reason, but finding you has opened up a whole can of worms that I just can't ignore. It's my understanding that you've told my siblings about me, and I have to admit I'm curious about them.

The one thing I feel that I have to be clear about from the start is that I'm not looking for another mother or family. I'm sorry if that hurts you but....I already have a mum and dad, and 2 brothers too, and I'm not looking to replace them. I'm not saying that I DON'T want to get to know you, but I AM saying that I'm not looking for a mother-daughter relationship with you. I'm hoping that you'll be agreeable to taking things slowly to start with, and seeing what happens.

Thank you for giving me life, Veronica. I haven't wasted it.

Comments

Manopeace

on Sep 29, 2005

That was beautiful, and obviously well thought out. I hope you get a response soon.

Dr Guy

on Sep 29, 2005

I've been back and forth between England and the UK since I was 20, and I've lost a fair bit of my British accent..

Is that your British accent coming back? Or do you mean England and the US?

I think it is very good. There is no easy way to say what you have to say. And the written word can never replace the spoken word to convey feelings and fear. But you did a pretty good job in this letter.

I wish you luck. If she is like my sister, she will understand completely. And only want to know that you are doing very well, and that her sacrafice was for the best for you.

dharmagrl

on Sep 29, 2005

Love this line, it's very touching.

Thanks. I cried over that one...actually, I cried over the whole thing but that line was particularly emotional. I just don't know what to say, you know? There's so much I want to say, but there's so much that I DON'T want to say too.

Or do you mean England and the US?

Hehe...i edited it.

infantry wife

on Sep 29, 2005

Wow, I feel like an eavesdropper after reading that, that letter is amazing and you are obviously amazing for being able to write such touching words. Wow

ParaTed2k

on Sep 29, 2005

Powerful, Karen.. Thank you for sharing. I truly hope you get everything you need (as well as what you want) from your search.

ericseba

on Sep 29, 2005

I understand the pain that you suffered, and I'm not holding any of it against you. You did a totally unselfish thing...you gave of yourself, you took on pain and angst so that other people could have a chance at happiness.

Imagine how few abortions would be performed if everyone were as strong as your mom was.

May I ask a personal question? What are your thoughts on abortion, I have an idea what they must be, but I'd love to hear you put it into words, you have a great gift for that (putting thoughts into words, I mean).

Trudygolightly

on Sep 29, 2005

like all here said, well thought out, beautifully written, very to the point without meaness
and very calm....
great letter
thanks for sharing with us Dharmagirl

dharmagrl

on Sep 29, 2005

Wow, I feel like an eavesdropper after reading that

I tried to take out the most personal bits but leave the general message intact.

I truly hope you get everything you need (as well as what you want) from your search

Thanks, Ted. Me too.

What are your thoughts on abortion,

Contrary to what you might think, I'm not staunchly anti-abortion. I believe that there are appropriate circumstances under which abortions should be legally allowed....but not just because someone couldn't be bothered to practice safe sex. Abortion should NEVER be used as a form of birth control, ever. A woman has a right to choose what she does with her body, yes...but when she chooses to have sex she also must choose to accept the consequences of having sex. You can't say "it's my body, I'll do what i want" when you're pregnant because it's NOT just your body anymore. Someone else is sharing it, and that person has a right to life. I find third-trimester abortions particularly abhorrent, mainly because the infant is being aborted AFTER the age of viability (24 weeks). I cannot see how we can say that a fetus born at 24 weeks has a 80% chance of survival yet we can justify aborting a 32+ week fetus.....

If my mother had chosen abortion, I wouldn't be here. My children wouldn't be here. Seeing the satisfaction and hapiness that their lives have bought to the people around them...well, that's strong statement against abortion, IMO.

great letter

Thank you, Trudy.

lifehappens

on Sep 29, 2005

Thanks for sharing. I hope everything will work out for you. After all, once she meets/talks to you, she will realize you are a very special person.

TasT

on Sep 29, 2005

Karen, I am very happy that you have found your *mother* and I wish you the best. HOwever I do caution you to take things Extremely SLOW when getting to know her. I know that you are a strong woman but these kinds of things can become overwhelming, I have personally watched a simular situation push a woman over the edge, granted she was already a little unstable but it was being controlled very well with the meds until she had her second meeting with her birth mother, it was just too much for her. That was better than a year ago and she has still not recovered mentally. sensory overload I guess?

Oh and the letter is very nice!

Best of luck
TasT

ericseba

on Sep 30, 2005

Thanks again for sharing daharma, this has really affected me, I am truly humbled that you have shared such a personal experience.

Chaos Manager

on Sep 30, 2005

Karen,

My wife is adopted, as well. She's went through all kinds of inner turmoil about family health problems and such. Very similar to what you've gone through. She put off trying to find her birth mother for several years. She felt like she would be betraying the folks that she knows are her parents. She finally started seriously looking, through various online services, and located her ... oh, about a year and a half ago. Other than determining that she had siblings the same ages as her own kids and that some of the problems she's been dealing with run in the family, she's had no other contact with her birth mother. At the choice of the birth mother, btw. Just seeing the peace that she's gotten from that one set of contacts... it's nice. Now she doesn't worry as much about what she's giving to the kids. She's not as worried about things that she's going to have to deal with later. They're not as unknown as they were before.

Good luck with this. I know that your beliefs are a little different than mine, but know that we will be lifting you in our prayers during this difficult time.

Oh, Eric -- http://chaosmanager.joeuser.com/index.asp?AID=78404 - as the spouse of an adoptee, my take on abortion.

ericseba

on Sep 30, 2005

Oh, Eric -- Link - as the spouse of an adoptee, my take on abortion.

Beautifully said Chaos, thanks for sharing.

dharmagrl

on Sep 30, 2005

Just seeing the peace that she's gotten from that one set of contacts... it's nice. Now she doesn't worry as much about what she's giving to the kids. She's not as worried about things that she's going to have to deal with later. They're not as unknown as they were before.

And that's really all I want, Chaos. Peace of mind.

Chaos Manager

on Sep 30, 2005

And that's really all I want, Chaos. Peace of mind.

Well, may God bless you in this endeavor. You (and your birth mum) are in our hearts and prayers.

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