I've found a lump in my left breast.
I had hesitated to write about this because I thought it too personal, too intimate to post...but then I thought some more and realized that this is probably the best place to talk about it.
I found the lump quite by accident. I was sitting on the couch and had an itch, so I reached over to scratch and felt a mass, about the size of half an egg, in my left breast.
Not wanting to alarm the kids, I went to my bedroom to explore further. I took my shirt and bra off and stood looking at myself. I could see where the lump was.
That was a couple of days ago. I can still see where the lump is, and I can still feel it. It's not a figment of my imagination. It hasn't gone away. I've made an appointment to see my physician tomorrow to get it checked out. I'm guessing I'm going to have to go have a mammogram and probably an ultrasound done, so we can find out what it is.
I'm trying to remain calm. I'm trying to convince myself that it's probably nothing, that it's probably harmless, that I'll go have the tests and the results will confirm that it's benign.
Everyone I have spoken to about it has said the same thing.
But I still have that 'what if' at the back of my mind. The only person I knew who had breast cancer died a slow and horrible death. She was 35 (same age as me) when she was diagnosed and 38 when she died. The cancer mestatised (sp) from her breast, despite her having a mastectomy and chemotherapy, and invaded her bones and finally her brain. She died in a hospice, not knowing who she was, or who those who loved her the most were.
Now, I'm no stranger to losing parts. I had a hysterectomy years ago...and at the time was inundated with statements about how not having a uterus doesn't make me any less of a woman. I know that. It didn't (and doesn't) bother me, because you can't tell from looking at me that I'm minus a womb. Losing a breast though...that's different. That's a little more noticeable.
I found myself in front of my mirror again last night, looking at myself and wondering what I'd look like minus one breast and with no hair. I keep trying to look on the bright side...worst case scenario, I have to have a mastectomy. So what? I can have a reconstruction..a free boob job, if you will. If I have to have chemo and my hair falls out, I'll wear a wig. No more waiting for my short red hair to grow out; I can have butt length blonde hair overnight if I so choose. And it'll give me an opportunity to showcase my extensive collection of hats.....
Dave has been absolutely wonderful. I expressed my thoughts and fears to him last night. "Karen," he said. "it's just you and me. It doesn't matter. I'd love you if you had no arms, no legs, no face...I'd love you no matter what you looked like. It doesn't, and it won't, change anything. So what if you lose your hair? You'll look just as beautiful as you do now" (I'm getting teary-eyed just writing this) "Besides, it's probably nothing sinister. You're going to go to the doc, get the tests, and find out that it's just an innocent lump. Don't get so worried about it"
Easy to say, not so easy to do....but I'm trying.
My appointment is tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.......