What the hell am I thinking??

Published on June 22, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

The enormity of what I'm about to do hit me this morning.

Everything is in place. D's squadron is waiting for a surgery date from me so we can initiate the Red Cross message, and they're preparing his replacement. His unit there are ready to get him on a flight out. The The insurance company is approving the surgery, and the neurosurgeon is just waiting for the general surgeon to tell him what days he's available. All I have to do is see Dr Striegel next week...

..but what the fuck am I really doing? I'm letting some dude who doesn't really know me slit my belly open, lift my guts out and lay them on the table next to me (that's literally what will happen), then some other dude who doesn't really know me is going to take bits of my spinal process out, shave my hip bone, and then screw and pin and plate me back together. Then the dude who took my guts out puts them back in, staples me up, and sends me on my happy way.

I'm asking some poor guy who never expected this to go to a combat zone to take my husband's place so he can come home and be with me. I'm asking the military to pay for flights and travel expenses, and them I'm asking them to let my husband NOT go to work for a month, I'm asking the Red Cross to act on my behalf for free, I'm asking my kids and my family to basically provide 24 hour nursing care for me....to take over the running of the house and help me on and off the toilet, in and out of the shower, up and out of the car and chair...

...it's a lot of stuff. A lot of organization, a lot of time, a lot of money. I can't help but feel guilty for causing such a fuss.

Why the heck am I doing this again??

Comments (Page 1)

Texas Wahine

on Jun 22, 2005

Here, I'll give you a good reason.

Because your precious little ones need and deserve a whole and healthy mother who is able to play and swim with them and be involved in their lives. They need a mother who is not grouchy and sharp because she's literally crippled with pain. They need a mother who is going to be well enough to cheer in the stands at the ball game and talk to the teacher about the kid who keeps pinching them in class and laugh over home baked pie at the clean dinner table and stand in the doorway of their bedroom and watch their tummies move slowly up and down as they sleep.

Even if you disregard every other person who will benefit from your health and well-being, those children are enough reason to do something scary, something needy, and something painful, even when you can think of a million reasons why you shouldn't.

dharmagrl

on Jun 22, 2005

Tex:
Thank you. I needed a kick in the ass.

Death_By_Beebles

on Jun 22, 2005

No, that might hurt a bit. But, if I could say it as eloquently as Texas just did, I'd be happy enough.

Dharma, you need to think of the end result, not the middle. Think about the things you'll be able to do with your children, and the years you'll have without all the pain, years with grandkids and all the memories you could miss if you don't have this surgery.

I'll be praying for you.

dynamaso

on Jun 22, 2005

Tex has already said pretty much what I wanted to say so I'll add my wishes for everything to run smoothly and that I'll be sending you as much positive energy as I can.

Cheers,

Maso

scatter629

on Jun 22, 2005

It's a tough hill up ahead but I know you'll get over this one. You're a survivor.

dharmagrl

on Jun 22, 2005

Think about the things you'll be able to do with your children, and the years you'll have without all the pain, years with grandkids and all the memories you could miss if you don't have this surgery.

Yeah, but....I'm not worried about MY pain, I can handle that....I just feel bad at putting other people out, at making them go do stuff for me. I hate being an inconvienience and I really don't like depending on anyone else. Should make for an interesting recovery, no? LOL

Tex has already said pretty much what I wanted to

Tex is very eloquent this evening!

It's a tough hill up ahead but I know you'll get over this one. You're a survivor.

I know I'll get over it too. Eventually. I just wish that I didn't have to inconvience anyone else doing so....

Texas Wahine

on Jun 22, 2005

Dharma: Two things...

1) Think about the things that other people will be required to do in order to help you or accommodate your situation. Is there any of those things you wouldn't willingly do if the tables were turned?

No?

I didn't think so.

2) That short period of inconveniencing others is minuscule in comparison to the vast time period those who are helping you will benefit from your friendship, your love, your support, and your aid in whatever task or problem they need help with. They will be paid back many times over for doing something that they want to do.

When you allow people to care for you, you are helping them to feel needed and important and allowing them to express their love for you. While at times it may be frustrating for everyone involved, it is actually a precious gift that will create an even deeper bond between you and your friends and family.

That's the way I look at it, anyways.

drmiler

on Jun 22, 2005

Karen...Know this. Everyone on my end is talking to the big man upstairs for you. Good luck and God bless!

MasonM

on Jun 22, 2005

You're doing it because it needs to be done.

island_gurl12

on Jun 22, 2005

I know it can be a pain, but i'm sure your family will actually love to spoil you rotten during your recovery

Keeping you in my prayers karen!

Manopeace

on Jun 23, 2005

Karen...you are going throgh this because you have to. The kids and family will help because the love you. D will be with you for the same reason. Guilt is not what you should be feeling... thankfullness is! Many people come home from surgery like that only to be sent to a nursing home because they are alone in this world and cannot take care of themself.
Thank your lucky stars for being so blessed.

Dr Guy

on Jun 23, 2005

What Mason said. Plus, you are doing it for your children as well.

dharmagrl

on Jun 23, 2005

) Think about the things that other people will be required to do in order to help you or accommodate your situation. Is there any of those things you wouldn't willingly do if the tables were turned?

No. I'd do whatever I could to help.

2) That short period of inconveniencing others is minuscule in comparison to the vast time period those who are helping you will benefit from your friendship, your love, your support, and your aid in whatever task or problem they need help with. They will be paid back many times over for doing something that they want to do.

See, that's what I'm having a hard time convincing myself of. It's hard for me to take instead of to give.

Karen...Know this. Everyone on my end is talking to the big man upstairs for you.

Aww, thank you!

You're doing it because it needs to be done

You're absolutely right. It does need to get done.

I know it can be a pain, but i'm sure your family will actually love to spoil you rotten during your recovery

I sure hope so. D's not very good with me when I'm ill/injured, so it's going to be trying. However, we've both talked about it and we realize that we're both going to have to be patient and understanding.

Many people come home from surgery like that only to be sent to a nursing home because they are alone in this world and cannot take care of themself.
Thank your lucky stars for being so blessed.

This is very true. And I do.

What Mason said. Plus, you are doing it for your children as well.

Yes, I know. I'm not so much worried about the surgery (although that is a big factor) I'm worried about the lengths I'm asking other people to go to. I feel guilty for taking...I'm trying to justify it and tell myself that I have given enough over the years and that now is my time to reap what I have sown...that this is the karmic recompense for going out of my way to be nice and helpful...but I still have that nagging guilt and a semblance of shame because I'm causing such a lot of fuss and bother.

MasonM

on Jun 23, 2005

I'm worried about the lengths I'm asking other people to go to. I feel guilty for taking...

I have always had a problem with this. Not so much feeling guilty, but just accepting someone's help and being dependent on someone else. Between the time I was blinded for three months by a bolt of lightening, being laid up from back surgery, and my most recent incapacitation with the busted pelvis, I have had to accept the fact that there are times when we have no choice but to accept help from others when we are incapable of helping ourselves.

I've come to realize that while we can and should do for ourselves as much as possible, there are times when, as a human being, we must allow others to demonstrate how much they care for us by, well, caring for us when we can't care for ourselves. Accept all that everyone is and will be doing for you graciously and be thankful that you have so many people who care enough about you to give you what you are going to need at a time when you will be needing it the most. You're allowing them to bring out what is truly the best and most beautiful in human beings, our capacity for love, empathy, and caring for our fellow human beings.

Just don't get too used to being pampered.

foreverserenity

on Jun 23, 2005

Why the hell are you asking that question?! You need it and it's going to make you better. And what everybody else said! Enough said!

I hope everything does go well and wish you a speedy recovery!

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