How much is normal?

And when is it not enough?

Published on April 26, 2005 By dharmagrl In Sex & Romance

I have a friend (yes, I do have some friends that are not internet ones) who's having a difficult time of things right now. He's married, and he's considering leaving - for a multitude of reasons, but the one that's manifesting itself most prevalently at the moment is the lack of physical activity.

Sex, in other words.

He's worried that there's something wrong with him because his wife refuses to have sex with him. She relents about once every 6 weeks or so, and even then she tells him he has to be quick. He says that he's not satisfied, and even though he's tried to talk to her about it; tried to get a feel for what he might be doing wrong or what he can do better, she says she just isn't interested.

I've told him that I don't think there's anything wrong with him. I've been married about the same length of time he has, and the physical aspect of my marriage is...healthy, to say the least. I enjoy being intimate with my husband, and no, it's not boring....mainly because we haven't let it be boring.

So, I told Viper I'd ask the folks here at JU how often they thought was normal to make love to your significant other. Is once a week too much to ask after 11 years od matrimony? Is it kinky of him to want to...well, go down on her? I don't think that it is, and I've said so....but I need some backup.

Tell me what you think, JU....

Comments

Shovelheat

on Apr 26, 2005

If it's between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own home, then: Link

As always, IMHO...

dharmagrl

on Apr 26, 2005

Unfortunately, Shovel, she's not consenting to ANYTHING.

Zoologist03

on Apr 26, 2005

Once a week too much? Try not enough....there's never "too much" sex...unless you have a bad heart or something. As for going down...that's not kinky...I've seen some kinky shit on the internet and oral sex does not qualify.

~Zoo

dharmagrl

on Apr 26, 2005

Thanks, Zoo. That's my opinion too......I'll pass your comments on.

Shovelheat

on Apr 26, 2005

Unfortunately, Shovel, she's not consenting to ANYTHING.

If she's openminded to suggestions, she should maybe go see a doc or something, there might be something that could be fixed. Other than that, I concur with Zoo.

Texas Wahine

on Apr 26, 2005

Well, obviously, everyone's sex drive is different. She may have a very low sex drive or may have emotional issues that make sex undesirable or even painful for her. I think your friend needs to approach his wife with tenderness and patience and attempt to find out the underlying causes behind her refusal of sex. If she's willing, they might look into seeing a sex therapist.

You've mentioned that there are other problems in their relationship...she may be withholding sex for those reasons.

Regardless, if he's not happy in the relationship, sex once or twice a week (especially sex where the wife is uninterested and unenthusiastic)is not going to save the marriage.

As to your questions, I don't know if there is necessarily a normal, but Adrian and I have been married almost 8 years (together for 9), and once or twice a day is typical for us. Every so often we'll miss a day because we're busy or one of us isn't feeling well or whatever, and some days we have several sexual encounters, but an average of at least once a day helps keep us feeling bonded and sexually fulfilled.

As far as oral sex goes...what's kinky to one person is commonplace to the next. Oral sex seems to be a staple for most couples, but if it's not something your friend's wife is accustomed to, it may feel strange, kinky, or dirty to her.

If the relationship is not worth saving, then your friend ought to just let that drop, but if he is committed to his wife and wants to work things out, this is another thing that requires patience and understanding on his part. There are plenty of resources out there that can help him and his wife open up to new sexual experiences.

Hehehe...and just out of sheer naughtiness, some oral sex icons:

and

Hehehehe

dharmagrl

on Apr 26, 2005

Shovel: She's not open to therapy of any kind....becuase there's nothing wrong with HER, it's HIM that has the issue.

Tex: Holy cats! Y'all shag like rabbits, babe! I thought I was doing good when we got it on every day for 2 weeks after he came home from deployment one time....but my god, girl!

He's tried being thoughtful and tender, he's tried asking her why she feels the way she doesm he's tried suggesting they BOTH go to counselling, therapy, the doctor, whatever it takes...and she's just not reaponsive to any of it. Like I said, she sees HIM as being the one with the issue, not her.

I don't know what he wants to do. I do know that this lack of affection and intimacy has left him questioning a whole bunch of stuff...like if he really loves her, does she really love him, is it time to give it up....he's considering moving out. Yes, he's told her this, but...Viper can be about as tactful as a bull in a china shop sometimes, so they usually end up shouting and all reason goes out the window.

My advice to him has been to try counselling or therapy if he really wants to save the relationship. I hope that perhaps if he goes on his own, she'll want to go along with him and they could open up some meaningful dialogue - it's hard to get into a screaming match with a professional third party present.
I dunno what he's going to do...

alison watkins

on Apr 26, 2005

Maybe she's under stress. I know since I've started working my sex drive has gone down a bit (although I still get it at least three times a
week --hehe

). Another possibility is that maybe there's some underlying cause that she doesn't want to get her rocks off. Maybe she's lost interest...maybe she's gay....who knows.... My advice: They should see a therapist.

Texas Wahine

on Apr 26, 2005

dharma:

Holy cats! Y'all shag like rabbits, babe! I thought I was doing good when we got it on every day for 2 weeks after he came home from deployment one time....but my god, girl!

Hehe...when he was in AIT we shared a townhouse with my parents (he didn't get to live at home, but was able to come home most weeknights and spend the weekends at home)...our bedroom was upstairs, directly on top of my parents' and they said the same thing (and in true embarrassing parent fashion, mentioned it to other people as well). I just feel fortunate that we have complementary sex drives.

My advice to him has been to try counselling or therapy if he really wants to save the relationship. I hope that perhaps if he goes on his own, she'll want to go along with him and they could open up some meaningful dialogue - it's hard to get into a screaming match with a professional third party present.

I think that's excellent advice for him...getting professional help, even alone, will be beneficial to him...if she refuses to work on things at the very least he's done everything he could to save his marriage...and counseling may bring him some peace and help him prepare for the ending of his marriage.

It's sad to hear.

foreverserenity

on Apr 27, 2005

Has she always been this way with him? Not too interested in sex, rushing? It sounds like he's doing all the necessary things to get her interested and to work at his marriage, but she's not interested. The reason why I asked has she always been this way is you stated in one of your response that she thinks he has the problem and not her. Perhaps she does have some hang up about sex and does have a low sex drive.

Or perhaps she's cheating on him? Those are possibilities to think of too.

My brother is going through the same thing too so I totally understand his problem. After 7 years of marriage and two kids, his wife no longer cooks, clean, have sexual relation, nothing at all to do with him, or the kids infact. Maybe it's early menopause (I dunno, I've tried every suggestion in the book to him) She too is not interested in help from a professional of any kind. Perhaps she's cheating I've suggested, because she's no longer interested and is pushing him away, possibly waiting for him to be the one to leave. It's sad and I feel for him. My husband suggested recently when I told him about it that perhaps she's having some kind of mental problem. I was shocked at the suggestion, but who knows.

As for me, my husband and I have been together for 21 years. We're still pretty hot for each other and that's one of the thing that does bond us together as Tex said of her relationship. That is a natural part of a marriage. So I can understand your friend wanting to give up. My brother is at the same stage right now. It is sad and it leaves you feeling helpless.

Friendly Stranger

on Apr 30, 2005

OK, I agree that once a weekwith an unwilling partner is inadequate. Do you know the difference between parsley and pussy? Hardly anybody eat parsley anymore.

But what about this possibility? What if the male friend in the report is really putting the make on the female writer? Did anyone examine the possibility that a man might lie to get sex from someone other than his primary?

Friendly Stranger

on Apr 30, 2005

Friendly Stranger

on Apr 30, 2005

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