The way things are.

Published on February 28, 2005 By dharmagrl In Home & Family

"d'you think this is the way our lives are going to be?" D asked me as we were fixing supper this evening. "y'know, me going away all the time".

I do think this is the way things are going to be. I think that we're not going to measure things in years anymore, I think it's going to be pre, during and post-deployment.

This career field is so overwhelmingly undermanned. We had reservists coming to assist for a while, but they all went home in November. Now we have augumentees from other squadrons, most of whom are doing a 2 month tour and are almost dead on their feet by the time they go back to their regular duties. Imagine how it is for those guys who have no end in sight....a perpetual cycle of 16+ hour days on a 4 on, 2 off schedule with PT and training on at least one of those days off. No holidays or weekends off, and leave is at a minimum...it's getting pretty sucky to be a flight cop. It HAS been pretty sucky being a flight cop, and it's not going to get better anytime soon.

D and I are lucky. He's qualified to do things other than patrol/street cop, so after working a couple months of flight, he went to run the jail. It's quite funny, actually...before I started working over at legal, I would ask him what he did at work and he'd tell me what he could...but obviously there are some things he couldn't tell me. Now the roles have been reversed. I'm involved in an investigation that's going to be coming to trial, and I can't tell him some of it...once it's been adjudicated I can talk about it, but by that time he'll have the suspect and will know the whole story anyway. Actually, it probably won't be him, it'll be his understudy - D'll be in the desert.
Anyhoo, the tables have been turned and I sometimes get quite a kick out of witholding information from him....hehe.....

I sometimes wonder if this military life is the glue that's holding this relationship together. If the only reason we've managed to make it this long is the separations, the 'time out's' from each other that a lot of married couples don't get. 11 years it's been since he and I stood up in front of our friends and made vows to each other (vows that have been sorely tested at times, but that's a whole other article)...and I sometimes wonder how many more years I have left in me.

Being married to the military isn't easy....and yes, I am literally married to the military. Unlike some other jobs, the military permeates every aspect of our lives. We live on a military installation, we live in a government house, we shop at military facilities, our health care comes from military physicians.....my husband is not 'D the police officer' who takes off his job when he takes off his uniform, he's Tech Sgt Lonesome who's a military member first and foremost and a cop/jailer/detective second. I'm Missus Lonesome, who's Tech Sgt Lonesome's wife first and foremost....it can be very irritating at times to not be seen as a person in my own right, just someone's spouse. I am finally starting to understand why people like to live off base. There you can take your uniform off at the end of the day and be known just as 'D' or 'K' or whoever the heck you are...you're not as defined by your rank and AFSC.

One day....we'll get up the balls to move off base. One day, he'll be done with the military...no, I take that back. We're never going to be done with the military. We're going to be getting a check from them for the rest of his life, and medical care until we both die. We're always going to be affiliated with them in once form or another....he's just going to change status is all.

I do have a choice, though, and I know that. I can either stay and take the deployments and all the horseshit that accompany them, or I can leave.

I know which I prefer.

Comments

greywar

on Feb 28, 2005

"The Life" has certinly worn on me as well... I can empathize with this one hugely.

dharmagrl

on Feb 28, 2005

I can empathize with this one hugely.

I thought that you might be able to, and I'm glad that i was able to get how this life wears on you across.

You have my sympathies, greywar; it aint easy.

Moderateman

on Feb 28, 2005

I can give just one insight to things staying the same "the only thing you can count on in life is CHANGE.

dharmagrl

on Feb 28, 2005

the only thing you can count on in life is CHANGE.

That's very true. Things are constantly changing....and everything's impermanent anyway. I do wish that D didn't have to be gone quite so much though.

dynamaso

on Feb 28, 2005

I too can emphathise with you, being ex-military and growing up with my father in the military too. My folks recently said to me the only regret they have about the way they raised us is the lack of stability when it came to home and education. I don't necessarily agree with them but it does explain my itchy feet.

foreverserenity

on Mar 01, 2005

Dharma, Being an avid reader of your blogs, I realize how hard it is when your husband goes away because of his duties. It's not easy for both of you and it's hard work as it is keeping a marriage together even when both people are in the same place all the time. Lke HW and Life, you two make decisions together and you make the choices that are right for your family. Thank D for me, for watching out for all of us. God bless you both.

ParaTed2k

on Mar 01, 2005

I do think this is the way things are going to be. I think that we're not going to measure things in years anymore, I think it's going to be pre, during and post-deployment.

It is good that you learned this. Military families often refer to place and "pre/post" rather than time. I know I still talk about "at Ft. Bragg" or "when I was at the Presidio", it drives civilians crazy because they think I'm bragging about where I've been or something (like seeing Ft. Bragg is anything to.. well, Brag about! ;~D)

Being married to the military isn't easy....and yes, I am literally married to the military. Unlike some other jobs, the military permeates every aspect of our lives.

As much as many military family members fight it, yes, you are just as "in" as D. You have your responsibilities, you "orders" and your function as a military wife (and even more so for E7s and above). Again, it's great that you've accepted this, and are willing to live with your decision.

Apparenly you and D (like Pam and I) are more willing to face all that military life means than even consider the alternative! I commend you both, and thank you both for your service.

dharmagrl

on Mar 01, 2005

My folks recently said to me the only regret they have about the way they raised us is the lack of stability when it came to home and education. I don't necessarily agree with them but it does explain my itchy feet.

We've been incredibly lucky thus far...we spent 9 yeasr at our last base and will probably retire here, so our kids will only have been through 2 school systems.

I realize how hard it is when your husband goes away because of his duties.

Thank you...although I'm not sure if it's harder having him gone or having him here! There's a lot of stuff to get used to again ...particularly allocating bathroom times.

Thank D for me, for watching out for all of us. God bless you both.

Thank you... it means a lot to hear it, especially when I think people actually mean it....and I told him. He just smiled.

It is good that you learned this. Military families often refer to place and "pre/post" rather than time.

I had noticed that.

Yeah, I know I have that coming. I'm pretty involved now - I'm the point of contact for the single people's parents for this upcoming deployment and I've been involved other ways for years and D's an E-6 - but I'm well aware that the higher up he goes, the more I'll be expected to participate.

Apparenly you and D (like Pam and I) are more willing to face all that military life means than even consider the alternative! I commend you both, and thank you both for your service.

Thank you, Ted. Like I said, it measn a lot when people have an understanding of how it is and thank you anyway.

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