At the risk of stating the obvious, why don't you go visit your parents? D leaves in a bit, so your probably busy with that and all, and your brother is coming to visit as well. But once that is done, why not take a trip with your kids to merry olde england? (or was it jolly? cheery? whatever) Or if you can't, call them up and talk to them, have them talk to your kids. It won't be the same, but it would be something. But at least you know why your miserable, is a good step towards being happy again.

And this article and the one before have me thinking of the serendipity poem (prayer? song? whatever)
Grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept those I can't, and the wisdom to tell the difference
Paraphrased, I'm sure the original version is much better, but you get the idea.

why don't you go visit your parents?

Yes, do that. Borrow the $ if ya gotta. Move Heaven and Earth. Make it happen. When your mind gets stuck, move your body! I think that, for you, it would be so worth it.

Danny and Shovel:

I don't go because I can't come up with the $3500 necessary for us to go....and because I refuse to get myself into more debt (that we're just now working our way out of) in order to spend one or 2 weeks there.  I've already talked that option over with my folks, and they don't want me to do that.

Besides, this is about more than a vacation.  I don't think that going for a vacation is going to solve anything or make me feel any better.

Maybe you can go by yourself. I know that's not the ideal that you would like but if your dad is in poor health it would be so much better to see him now than go back for a funeral. I went home for Thanksgiving and my dad died December 1. I am so grateful that I got to see him before he died. There are still regrets of things I didn't say and the time we missed together but I am so glad that I got to see him then. It is so hard to be separated from your family especially the distance that you are apart. And do be glad that your brother cares enough to come and visit you. I have only had one visit from my brother and sister in the 15 years since I have been away from home. I know you have had some health problems but maybe you could find a job just to put the money aside for a trip home. I don't mind working a part time job to save for something I really want especially if that is the only way I can do it without going into the hole.

Maybe you can go by yourself.

That's not possible.  Not until the end of the year.  My husband is leaving for deployment (I can't say where) in March, and I can't go before then...money won't allow it and there's no way I can leave him to manage the kids alone.  He's on call 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, and if I'm not here and he gets called in...well, we have no-one to watch our kids.

The very earliest I could concieveably go would be the end of the year, and I'm supposed to have a spinal fusion done then.

Besides, this isn't about a vacation.  I honestly think that going on vacation there would make things worse.

My dad's been in poor health for 15 years now, just so everyone knows.

Thanks for all the suggestions, but....I don't forsee a 'fix' to this.  It's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

My heart aches for you Karen.  This might be a very blonde question, what is a spinal fusion exactly?  Sounds absolutely horrid!  I'll shoot you an email soon.  You have been such a help with my recent sorrow.  Sending cyber ~hugs~ your way friend.

dharma: Hmmm . . . I don't have anything amazing to say that will make you feel better, and I can't even say that I understand how you feel or what you are going through, because I don't . . . but I care and I am wishing you all the strength and peace you need to deal with all these things that are coming to the surface.

This might be a very blonde question, what is a spinal fusion exactly?

A spinal fusion involves a 6" incision in my back, removal of my L2 disc, harvesting bone from my pelvis (or using cadaveric donor bone) and putting that bone into the space where the disc used to be, and finally screwing a tintanium mesh 'cage' into the vertebrae above and below to give the bone something to grow into and my back some stability.  It's not very nice, that's for sure....but it's the only chance I have at any non-narcotic long term relief.

Thank you for the kind thoughts...and the hugs are being sent your way too!

but I care and I am wishing you all the strength and peace you need to deal with all these things that are coming to the surface.

Thank you....those are the things that I need the most right now.

Dharma, I wish I was living close to you; I would baby-sit while you visit your folks, if you could find the way to. I can relate with what you're going through. My dad died four years ago today. I never got the chance to see him to say goodbye. I had seen him two years prior to him becoming ill. We spent three wonderful weeks together, at the time just two kids and my husband and me. It was great. The one thing I prayed so hard about, for it not to happen, did. I did speak to him a month before he passed, and that memory I hang onto. But it's not the same. Traveling long distance with the entire family, is very expensive, I paid over $2000 at the time. Even going home recently to bury my mom; I wanted all of us to go, it was just too much, and so I went alone.

It is hard to think about even now. So, I know it’s not easy for you to just put it in a box. It will come out, as it has now, and especially since your brother will be visiting. It's bringing all the memories of your childhood to the forefront of your mind and it's making you think of your parents even now. Especially since you can't go to see them. I wish I could say something to make you feel better or have a solution to your situation. Just know that I feel what you feel because I've been there, and I'm praying for you.