All at once...

Published on January 10, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

All at once I realized just what kind of an impact my other half leaving again is going to have on my family...

.....and myself.

All at once I have become acutely aware of the impermanence of everything.....

......and that we are all destined to die one day.

All at once I have realized how much time has gone by without my really seeing it pass.

All at once I have become aware that I am seriously lacking in some aspects of my personality.

All at once I have realized what a disservice I have done in the past not only to myself but to those who I claim to 'love'.

All at once I am questioning the origins and reasons for my love and wondering if it's really love at all but perhaps a misguided sense of loyalty and duty.

All at once I have come to the conclusion that my heart is broken...

....and I don't know why.

Comments

Manopeace

on Jan 10, 2005

I've said it before to you...I'll say it again...we are here for you whenever!! I know it's not the same but its betther than nuffin.

dharmagrl

on Jan 10, 2005

Thanks, Mano....but I'm not sure that anyone can really help me with this. I think that this is something I have to do on my own.

Manopeace

on Jan 10, 2005

You won't be alone at all...I'm sure the children will be supportive..from what I can see from here they are the greatest!

dharmagrl

on Jan 10, 2005

I'm sure the children will be supportive

Hmm..."if you only knew" is the phrase that comes to mind. Don't get me wrong, they're good kids...but they're just that, 8 and 10 and 12 year old KIDS. I'm not going to ask them to take on responsibilities and worries beyond their years, it's not fair.... nor is it approporiate.

It not just his leaving that's got me thinking like this. I don't know what it is...if I did know it might be easier to help myself out.

Manopeace

on Jan 10, 2005

Is there not a wives support group on the base? Surely other women are in your position there. If not, why dont you get one going...you would be great at that...ofering support to others and getting some in return.

Danny Bassette

on Jan 10, 2005

Like Manopeace said, you've got people here that will do what they can to help, even if all that ends up being is knowing someone cares enough to make the offer. Yes, we will all die, and yes, it will be all too soon, but in the meantime, well what we do in that time is what makes life so important. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws (trust me on this one, I know what I speak of

). I am certain you will make it through this, because lacking and broken as you may be, you are also a strong woman. But until he leaves, spend as much time with him as possible, enjoy the time you two have together

dharmagrl

on Jan 10, 2005

If not, why dont you get one going...you would be great at that...ofering support to others and getting some in return.

I did that before. Unfortunately, it made me almost co-dependent. Yes, there is a support group on base, but I have no great desire to go and be constantly reminded of how 'different' I am or talk about the price of pork chops at the commissary.

This isn't about him leaving. This is about my feeling overwhelmed and like I don't really, truly, love anyone...expecially not the person I'm supposed to love most of all.

dharmagrl

on Jan 10, 2005

am certain you will make it through this, because lacking and broken as you may be, you are also a strong woman

Thank you, Danny. I know that I am strong yes, and I know too that I will make it through this...but like I said, it's not all about him leaving. I think I know where the problem lies....and there's nothing I can do about it. It's just something that will have to happen, and I'll just have to deal with how it makes me feel.

xtine

on Jan 10, 2005

Some times, you get tired of being a strong woman, of being the one to hold it all together and you just want for once to say, "No. I'm not ok.' And to be taken seriously.

At least, sometimes it's like that for me.

Moderateman

on Jan 10, 2005

This isn't about him leaving. This is about my feeling overwhelmed and like I don't really, truly, love anyone...expecially not the person I'm supposed to love most of all.

I assume that person would be yourself?? thats the one your suppossed to love the most, without that you really cannot love anyone else.

Keep searching inside dharma your on right track to ask questions of self.. but do not be afraid to reach out to those that love you either..

dharmagrl

on Jan 10, 2005

I assume that person would be yourself??

No, it;s not me...although it is true, I don't know that I love myself or even like myself very much sometimes.

Some times, you get tired of being a strong woman, of being the one to hold it all together and you just want for once to say, "No. I'm not ok.' And to be taken seriously.

That is absolutely, 100% how I feel about this next deployment. I don't think that I'm ok with it, I don't want him to go, I'm saick to fucking death of him being gone when all around me I see husband who haven't deplyed for 4 or more fucking years. Is it too much to ask to have your husband home for more than 6 months out of a 2 year span?

Moderateman

on Jan 10, 2005

Reply By: dharmagrlPosted: Monday, January 10, 2005I assume that person would be yourself?? No, it;s not me...although it is true, I don't know that I love myself or even like myself very much sometimes.

ok dharma here where I put my dad hat on....... first off I hated myself for what I did in wartime,,, HATED.... spent years shooting anything in my body that could get me out of body.. trying to discover something about me took many years of time , hard insights and energy. I also had to come to grips over who am I.. keep looking dharma... keep seeking answeres about you, and if you cannot love yourself.... be kind to you till you can. OK??

From one searcher to another.

elie

dharmagrl

on Jan 10, 2005

I also had to come to grips over who am I..

I am, and I will. I've accepted a lot of things about myself in the past few years, some good, some not-so-good. That's why I identify with Buddhism so much I think...because it makes me face who I am warts and all, it makes me accept what and who I am and challenges me to sit with and live with myself.

Thanks, 'dad'!

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