Back up outta my space!

Published on December 13, 2004 By dharmagrl In Misc

I think that I'm the only person in the world who needs a certain amount of space around them in order to function properly.

I don't ask for a lot of space, in fact my needs have diminished significantly over the years. I've gone from requiring 3' between me and the next person to about 1'. Any closer than that, and I start feeling very uncomfortable and claustrophobic, especially if I don't know the person next to me from Adam.

Take my experience the other day, for example. I was in the shopette, checking out, and a family of 5 were in line behind me. They started out about 2' away from me - a little closer than I like but still within my comfort zone. Then, little by little, they inched closer and closer until finally their kids were literally stepping on my toes. I was trying to swipe my credit card through the machine, and used that as an excuse to have them move....

"Errm....d'you think you could just back up a little bit? I'm afraid I'm going to step on on of your little ones or elbow someone in the head....thanks!"

My request was met with silently steely stares. You would have thought that I had asked them to donate a kidney or had called them a name. There was a tense couple of seconds where the mom and I eyed each other up, wondering who was going to back down (or up) first. Apparently, I won, because she started spouting torrential spanish, gave me a dirty look and moved her clan over to another aisle.

There was a time when I wouldn't have said anything, I'd have just kept inching further away as they kept inching closer to me. Someone then explained to me that doing that was like speeding up when someone's tailgating you in your car...they're not going to get the hint, you have to be verbal about your wants and needs.

So, I adopted that policy. Most people are nice about it, but they look at me like I'm neurotic or obsessive compulsive when I ask them to kindly step back; they're making me uncomfortable with their proximity. I'm neither obsessive nor neurotic, I just enjoy my space. I can manage without it if there are a lot of people in a small space, on a crowded train for example....but when there's plenty of room I see no reason for people to get that close to me.

So, is it just me? Am I the only one who's uncomfortable when other people get too near? Obviously the people who are getting too close to me don't have these issues.....so perhaps it is just me.

Comments

Texas Wahine

on Dec 13, 2004

I can't stand that. The hardest thing to deal with is when people are talking to you and they have their face like 3 inches from yours. Ugh. I'm with you. I don't like having my space invaded at all. And I like hugs, but only from people that have been pre-approved (by me!) for hugging -- just because I see you at church does not mean I want you to touch me.

iamheather

on Dec 13, 2004

No, dharma it is not just you, and thank you for saying what some are afraid to.

I think this is but a sypmtom of general society. Our lack of respect for others and total narcissistic egomania. We have become so caught up in ourselves and totally abandoned all forms of propriety.

Hamster 311

on Dec 13, 2004

Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I definitely have a problem with people invading my personal space. Unfortunately I work in a cramped, crowded space, so I've had to learn to deal with it there; and maybe it's good that I've had to learn to deal with it on some level. I'm the same way in that I can tolerate being in a crowd, like at a concert, but it still bothers me when I'm somewhere like the grocery store, where there's no need for it. I have this thing I do with my elbow when people I don't know get too close... and while we're on the subject, is it really necessary to drag the entire family to the supermarket???

MarcieMoo

on Dec 13, 2004

I used to be really...non-touchy...and still...I don't like people way up in my face. Or...if they're sending out bad vibes...bad breath...bad body odor...I want them to keep their space. But I'm much more apt to use touch to communicate to people. I use it in my class alot...a pat on the shoulder, a high five, a hug at the end of the day if the kids want one. I think its pretty effective. If you're being a jerk...and I tap you on the shoulder to get your attention and let you know that I'm watching you...well...hmpf.

I'm also more open to shaking hands and other things like that...I've forced myself to come out of my shell a little.

BUT...nonetheless...I don't want someone else's brood of 15 children hovering around me, or someone looking over my shoulder at the cigarette display (because I'm not buying any dude...they'll still be there when I move out of the way), or just...too close when I'm putting my PIN in...especially this time of year...just back off.

Phoenixboi

on Dec 13, 2004

Im the same as you on this one Dharma... that's why I really like to live on my own. My space is my sacred space and I really dont like anyone entering into it unless they are invited to do so.

Manopeace

on Dec 13, 2004

Ha!!!!!!! You would hate it in this country...everything here is everyones business....stand in line at the bank...get to the teller...there are at least 2 others there with you watching every transaction you make.
Supermarket...same thing...they are right there at the checkout with you watching what you buy...even asking sometimes if that particular item is a good one.
Post office..same...in fact everywhere there is a lineup.
It used to really bother me in the beginning, coming from a society where my business was mine and yours was yours....but I found there was nothing I could do about it.
As far as having space in general...I'm a pretty kissy-touchy kinda person so the closer the better

But...to each his own.

Ravenblack

on Dec 13, 2004

Ideally, I would like people to be at least an arms length away when talking to me.
I can't stand crowds at all and try to avoid it. I get angry very easily in crowded environments.

I've read somewhere that personal space isn't fixed. If there's a lot of space around, then the radius is larger, if you are in a crowded place like the mall or in a queue, you naturally reduce your radius.

DylanZimmerman

on Dec 13, 2004

Nope, it's definately not just you! I don't mind big crowds of people, or being squished up next to people at a gig or something, but that's kind of inavoidable anyway. But when someone's breathing down my neck in the store or the elevator or even a bar or something, I find it really creepy, so I just tell them to back off.

I think generally, people don't realise if they're invading your personal space, so mostly they'll be respectful and polite when you ask them to move away a little. But some people, like that family, are just plain rude, and it's probably nothing to do with you- it's just the way they are with everybody.

Dyl xx

lifehappens

on Dec 13, 2004

I agree with you on this Dharma....and I'd like to add this...Why do people thank that it is okay to touch a pregnant woman's belly? I don't know you and if I was NOT pregnant, putting your hands on me would never happen...do Don't do it when I am pregnant!

alison watkins

on Dec 13, 2004

No Dharma, it isn't just you...I totally agree. I hate that when people are in my personal space. It's just annoying. I also hate it when people are hovering over you whether you are writing something or on the computer...it drives me nuts!

Hyperborean Wanderer

on Dec 13, 2004

Only Ms Life and our little kids our allowed inside my space. I get clausterphobic in crowds, and having anybody in our tiny kitchen with me while I'm cooking is more than I can put up with. I've gotten surprised, even angry looks from friends when I tell them not to crowd me. It isn't too bad in the states, but in a lot of places I've traveled, personal space shrinks for the locals. Peru was pretty bad, and Korean subways are a nightmare. It's ok to establish your personal boundries, Dharma. You don't know those folks, so don't sweat it if they give you dirty looks. They were being impolite to you, not the other way around.

just john

on Dec 13, 2004

I have a real problem with large crowds and close quarters. I freak out. Panic attack freak out! I have to get out. However I have learned to deal with smaller groups in tight spaces. I had a boss once who thought that invading personal space was a great way to extort a powerless feeling over his prey. In the beginning I would just get all freaked and want to run. Then I learned a bit about body language and when he edged in I moved closer. If that didn't work I adjusted my stance and moved closer. I found that intimidation is in the aggressor. I now regularly use the close move to my advantage and I believe that this is the reason I can now handle small crowds. This is completely ineffective on kids, though. I have no problem being rude. When my nephew and I are out together I am always conscious of his position. So, when I feel encroached upon I speak up and ask if I could buy them a leash for their child. I have gotten a few cross looks but anything more than that just requires a 3" distance between bodies and suddenly they tend to retract whatever hostilities they have.

Moderateman

on Dec 13, 2004

Yikes no place for me here cause I amma touchy feely kinda man. yes even with other males.. Good thing I am big and ugly cause that makes people not wanna get to close to ya. specially when I glower. so I just dont have that invade my space problem.

Shovelheat

on Dec 13, 2004

I grew up around a lady, good as gold but, DAMN! She get's like a inch and a half from you face when you talk to her! No, I like at least three feet distance. I guess I get worried my scope ain't working...

BlueDev

on Dec 14, 2004

Wow, I hear you dharma. I can't stand people getting too close, except my family. I like some space, I like some buffer around me and the rest of the world. I don't demand a lot, but I do demand that you respect the area around me. Perhaps it goes back to my days as a kid, listening to Safety Kids as they sang about personal space and such. I think you did the right thing, talking to them and making your desires clear. Good job.

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