Marriage is a work in progress.

Published on December 4, 2004 By dharmagrl In Personal Relationships

I'll have been married 11 years in January.

That's a long time. Over a decade, almost a third of my life.

I have learned that being married does not automatically entitle you to a lifetime of happiness for nothing.

Marriage is a work in progress. People change...I'm not the same person I was 11 years ago, physically, mentally or spiritually, and neither is my husband. Because the people change, the relationship changes. I'm not just talking about the dynamics, I'm taking about the very essence of the relationship...the love, if you will. You can't just sit back and expect your love to grow just because you have a wedding certificate. You have to tend to it...feed it, nurture it, protect it. You have to work at it.

Working at your relationship sounds like not-so-much-fun, huh? It doesn't have to be that way. If you truly love and cherish the person you're married to, if you truly commit yourself to them, the working at your relationship is worthwhile. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it's great fun because it's not...sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's just plain miserable. But, the rewards for the small amount of suffering and sadness....they can be beyond compare. Love, if you tend to it properly, can be the most amazing thing you have ever experienced. After 11 years I can tell you that I love my husband more than I ever thought possible. I thought that I loved him as much as I could when we got married.....I was wrong. My love for him knows no bounds. I keep expecting it to hit a peak, to come to a pinnacle....and it hasn't. It just gets better and deeper and more complex.

There have been rough spots, times when both of us considered walking away and leaving it all behind. It would have been easy to do....but I don't think I'd ever have got over it. I know it would have been something I regretted for the rest of my life. So, we toughed it out. Our mantra sometimes has been 'this too shall pass'....and it has. Things have always gotten better, the sun has always come back out again. My parents will have been married 50 years next March, and they say the same thing. In fact, my mother's advice is:

'Marriage is like a sandwich - you get out of it what you put into it'

Comments (Page 1)

Danny Bassette

on Dec 04, 2004

As the saying goes, anything worth having is worth working for. And marriage is definitely worth it. Keep up the good work

KellyW0498

on Dec 04, 2004

This article gets an insightful.

Every relationship has it's ebbs and flows, learning how to deal with it is very important.

lifehappens

on Dec 04, 2004

insightful form me too....

"The key to a happy marriage is to find reasons to fall in love over and over again."

I'm sure you have found that the reasons you love each other outwiegh any stresses (Military etc) Congrats, btw.

UI love it when I see people who have made it work...and are happy.

The Black Sheep

on Dec 04, 2004

That was quite an article.....I have been contemplating marriage for some time now and really I need to write an article myself concerning all the apprehensions and hesitation I have regarding it, so your article was timed just right I suppose.

dharmagrl

on Dec 04, 2004

As the saying goes, anything worth having is worth working for

That's very true....

Every relationship has it's ebbs and flows, learning how to deal with it is very important.

...and so is that. I wish that there were mandatory classes before people got married, and that they taught just that.

I'm sure you have found that the reasons you love each other outwiegh any stresses

At the end of the day, after all the deployments, the spearations, the headaches, the stresses......I love him. It's that simple.

I have been contemplating marriage for some time now and really I need to write an article myself concerning all the apprehensions and hesitation I have regarding i

Now that I'd like to read!

Spc Nobody Special

on Dec 04, 2004

Hallelujah, amen. Time to dust of the old insightful..........

Absolutely true. I've only got 8 and 1/2, but that's far longer than many, especially in the military. I think the number one things that've helped us last, is commitment and actively working on our marriage. Not like a chore, but work, and the rewards are amazing. When we got married, we decided that divorce was not going to be an option, so we'd better make it work. And we did.

Thanks for this great article,
out.

MarcieMoo

on Dec 05, 2004

Good for you, K.

I think that lots of people get married for the big cake, the cool dress...and they think the rest of its going to be a fairy tale too...

Then they wake up two years later, their husbands are unshaven and forgot to put deodorant on and they have nasty morning breath and have been out of work for a month...

That stuff is a part of life...and a marriage is to me anyway, is two people choosing...making a commitment, to go through the stink, the hair, the rough patches, and all the beauty of life together...

I don't see divorce as an option either...unless he cheats on me or beats me severely...I completely realize that its not easy...and there's going to be lots of heartache that goes along with marriage...but I think the joys of it tend to tip the scales.

dharmagrl

on Dec 05, 2004

Absolutely true. I've only got 8 and 1/2, but that's far longer than many, especially in the military

That's very ture too. Military marriages tend to be a little harder ...there are separations to deal with, pressures from the job etc etc.

completely realize that its not easy...and there's going to be lots of heartache that goes along with marriage...but I think the joys of it tend to tip the scales.

That's exactly right, Marcie. Into each life a little rain must fall.....and if you're smart you carry an umberella and know how/when to use it!

iamheather

on Dec 05, 2004

Great article, dharma.

A successful marriage is not only the most fulfilling experience, but a test of tenacity and strength. When the rough times come, both people in the marriage face a crossroads; the sign at the fork in the road reads:

Divorce
Possible happiness in future

Lifelong Companionship and Love
bumpy, dangerous road ahead

Both people have to choose the same path. That is the hardest thing to accept. If only one chooses to traverse the bumpy dangerous road, the result can be devastating. I speak from my own history, in which two previous husbands chose divorce even when I preferred to battle the hardships.

Danny Bassette

on Dec 05, 2004

I'll agree to that heather, only one of the two working on the marriage is not good, not good at all

alison watkins

on Dec 05, 2004

This is a very inspiring article, Dharma. I am getting married in less than two weeks and am excited and scared for the exciting life long journey!

dharmagrl

on Dec 05, 2004

Heather:

A successful marriage is not only the most fulfilling experience, but a test of tenacity and strength

It builds character, that's for sure! I always think that if you can love your significant other when the world is crashing down around you...well, then you can love them forever.

only one of the two working on the marriage is not good, not good at all

One person working on a relationship is kind of like fighting with one hand tied behind your back. It's a lot of work....

I am getting married in less than two weeks and am excited and scared for the exciting life long journey!

That's right! I remember how scared I was.....how did the reunion go? Ooh, and I want to see some wedding pictures!!!

iamheather

on Dec 05, 2004

It builds character, that's for sure! I always think that if you can love your significant other when the world is crashing down around you...well, then you can love them forever.

No truer statement about love has ever been said. Might I add that not only can you love them forever, but that love will grow exponentially.

Gideon MacLeish

on Dec 06, 2004

good piece, dharma. We will celebrate our 10th on April 17, and I agree, sometimes it has been less than optimal, but the best piece of advice I can give any couple is to leave the big "D" word out of it if you want it to last, and to apologize for any times you might have used it in the past. You have to be committed to making it work.

dharmagrl

on Dec 06, 2004

the best piece of advice I can give any couple is to leave the big "D" word out of it if you want it to last, and to apologize for any times you might have used it in the past. You have to be committed to making it work.

Exactly. We have a pact in our house...no matter how bad things get, the 'D' word in not an option and is therefore not to be mentioned.

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