I've made an appointment to see my doctor this morning.

I think I'm sliding down the slippery slope of depression. 

I'm not sleeping much, and when I do it's not well.  I cry all the time.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I just want to stay home.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to watch TV, or read or knit or cook or....I just don't want to do anything. I have panic attacks that are getting harder and harder to control.  I had a migraine last week and I've got another one coming today.  I worry incessantly about every and anything.

I feel like the normal me, the sunshine-y bouncy me is enveloped by this big black fog.  It makes it hard to move, hard to think....I can feel myself wanting to fight to get out, but it's just becoming too much effort and I'm losing the will to struggle.  Last night, as I was tossing and turning in bed, the thought came to me that it would be really easy and maybe rather pleasant to just fall asleep and not bother to wake up again.  To just shuffle off of this mortal coil.......

I'm even torn about going to see my doc.  We're having an inspection at work on Wednesday, and I have a ton of stuff that I have to get done....consequently I feel bad for going to the doc when I should be at work.  I'm trying justify my decision to myself - I'm no good to anyone right now, so I'd better go and get checked out before it gets any worse.  So far, I've been relatively successful.  However, as time ticks by I'm becoming less and less certain that this is what I should do......

I detest this.  This feeling of helplessness, of self-dislike, of wanting to be anywhere but here in my skin.