Putting an end to it all....

Published on November 29, 2004 By dharmagrl In Health & Medicine

I've made an appointment to see my doctor this morning.

I think I'm sliding down the slippery slope of depression.

I'm not sleeping much, and when I do it's not well. I cry all the time. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I just want to stay home. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to clean the house, I don't want to watch TV, or read or knit or cook or....I just don't want to do anything. I have panic attacks that are getting harder and harder to control. I had a migraine last week and I've got another one coming today. I worry incessantly about every and anything.

I feel like the normal me, the sunshine-y bouncy me is enveloped by this big black fog. It makes it hard to move, hard to think....I can feel myself wanting to fight to get out, but it's just becoming too much effort and I'm losing the will to struggle. Last night, as I was tossing and turning in bed, the thought came to me that it would be really easy and maybe rather pleasant to just fall asleep and not bother to wake up again. To just shuffle off of this mortal coil.......

I'm even torn about going to see my doc. We're having an inspection at work on Wednesday, and I have a ton of stuff that I have to get done....consequently I feel bad for going to the doc when I should be at work. I'm trying justify my decision to myself - I'm no good to anyone right now, so I'd better go and get checked out before it gets any worse. So far, I've been relatively successful. However, as time ticks by I'm becoming less and less certain that this is what I should do......

I detest this. This feeling of helplessness, of self-dislike, of wanting to be anywhere but here in my skin.

Comments (Page 1)

Ravenblack

on Nov 29, 2004

It's a good idea to go and see the doctor.

I was diagnose with mild depression in my last job, some the symptoms are like yours - don't feel like getting out of bed, feeling utterly sad, pointless and lifeless. Of course mine was caused by job burnout. I had one or two panic attacks - it's just this horrible feeling (can't breath, heart thumping). Can't do anything - don't want to. Head feels like its being squeezed. I grounded my teeth nastily in my sleep etc.

I went to see the doctor, not because I thought I was depressed but for the headaches. He said I had depression after asking me about work and if I had any problems, and I told him. He gave me something which helped a great deal. I realised that I should've gone to the doctor sooner. I think it's just best for you to go and see your doc whether you think you should or shouldn't go. It's not good to work when you are troubled like this. In addition, things may happen at work that could aggravate the problem.

Take care, Dharma.

Myrrander

on Nov 29, 2004

I'm glad you're going to see the doc, Dharma -- it took me so long to go to mine and after I did it was like "Why didn't I do this years ago?"

Good luck, hon.

Floozie

on Nov 29, 2004

It's hard to know what to do when the one person that is causing you so much heartache is the one person you can't escape.

Put things into perspective, Dharma. The work inspection is just an inspection. It will happen whether you are there or not, and I'm sure they happen quite regularly. They can cope without you. You, on the other hand, are feeling particularly crap right now and that's the most important thing. You have to do what's best for you so that you can start feeling better. I know that guilt is particularly hard to brush away when you are feeling as you do (when I'm depressed the only thing I can seem to feel is guilt), but this only pushes you further into your depressive cylce.

If you had a gaping wound in your leg, you'd get to a doctor. Same should go if you have one in your soul.

Take care you of,

Suz xxx

Sally jacobs

on Nov 29, 2004

Your health, and piece of mind is far more important than work. The doctors will help you both personally and with work. If you are unhappy and feeling the way you are, you will be no good to anyone at work. You need to put yourself first for once, look after yourself, and go to the doctors. It may be difficult at first, but I'm sure you don't want to continue experiencing what you're going through now. Things can be really poop sometimes, and you don't know what to do with yourself. I know the feeling all to well. Times will get brighter Dharma, we all need your sunshine here. Take care.

Manopeace

on Nov 29, 2004

You are obviously depressed because of the recent news from the army.... no one wants their hubby (or wife) going off to Iraq.
Your depression is real hon...very real. Think of how wonderful things will be when he finally comes home and your family can get into a normal lifestyle.
War Sucks!

Silver_and_Jade_Tears

on Nov 29, 2004

Dharma, I am about to cry. I don't like having someone I know (even cyberly) feeling so crappy. I know what it is like though, and I would definatly see a doctor. I sincerely hope you start feeling better, because you are a wonderful person!

dharmagrl

on Nov 29, 2004

He said I had depression after asking me about work and if I had any problems, and I told him. He gave me something which helped a great deal.

That's pretty much what happened this morning. My headaches are from not sleeping properly, and the not sleeping comes from worrying and feeling blue all the time. So, I'm now on an anti-depressant (which will help with the migraines). It'll take a week or so to fully take effect, but at least I have some light at the ned of the tunnel.

it took me so long to go to mine and after I did it was like "Why didn't I do this years ago?"

I know what you mean...I knew that I should go, but didn't want to....I wanted to try and solve it on my own.

It's hard to know what to do when the one person that is causing you so much heartache is the one person you can't escape

You hit the nail on the head there, Suz.

I'm sure you don't want to continue experiencing what you're going through now.

Hell no! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It sucks...

You are obviously depressed because of the recent news from the army.... no one wants their hubby (or wife) going off to Iraq.

Well, that has something to do with it, but it's not the entire problem. I've been under a lot of stress in the past few months - hell, the past year - and it's finally taking it's toll.

Dharma, I am about to cry

Now don't do that...I'm a sympathetic blubber, you'll set me off too!

Thank you all for your comments. I'm sure that I'll be back to feeling my old self again in a week or two, but until then....just bear with me.

Rod Brock

on Nov 29, 2004

Dear dharmagrl,

Please accept my humble apologies for comments that may have seemed insensitive towards your husband or the community of pilots
in which you reside. I feel neither of us understood the other; "personal" communication is terribly difficult in a venue such as this where
all manner of sensitive issues are discussed, but without the benefit of voice, inflection, gesture (save for smilies, which aren't entirely up
to the task, imho) or facial expression. Suffice it to say that I'm swearing off blogs and newsgroups and e-lists; there are more constructive
things to do with my days.

Having said that, and still realizing you're probably not in the frame of mind to listen to me, now, but having experienced a full-blown, year-long clinical
depression after divorcing, suffice it to say I have been there in a very big way. Now, several years later, in retrospect, I don't even know how I survived.
I was rock bottom. The summer before 9/11, all I did was lie in the backyard and look at the sky and take tranquilizers and smoke cigarettes, all day,
every day. Anxiety, panic-attacks, bleak hopeless mornings, that dull ache deep inside that just wouldn't go away....

It is well that you are going to the doctor, because intractable, clinical depression is a medical condition. I went through hell to learn this. People say
"buck up" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or "get over it," but they don't know what it's like.

I won't belabor you with all the science behind the new classes of antidepressant drugs. Suffice it to say that panic-attacks, persistent compulsive worry, depression,
and a number of other disorders are linked, and the common thread seems to be an imblance of the neurotransmitter, serotonin, in the brain. Essentially, not enough
of the Serotonin surrounds the neuron where it is supposed to be, but instead gets in the gap between the neurons, which causes the above named problems. SSRIs,
or "Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors" restore the balance. One of the best for anxiety/panic attacks/depression combined is Paxil, but Zoloft (which I take), is also a good
choice. However, your doctor will help you find the best choice for you, if you opt to go this route.

It's difficult to explain the difference having the medication makes. It's not like the drug makes you high or euphoric, or anything. But once I was on Zoloft for a couple months, I would look back at the way I had felt, and it was almost impossible to undertstand what it was that made me feel like dying. It was like looking back at some different person, who wasn't me. The reason it was so hard to understand is because the condition I had been experiencing was caused by a serotonin imbalance in my brain, which was precipitated (as is common) by the stress/grief/anxiety of an ugly divorce.

Consider discussing medication with your doctor. Be aware as well, that the SSRIs may have the effect of intially making you a little more anxious, as the chemical balance
in your brain readjusts. But it does get better, and dramatically so, in 4-6 weeks.

Hang in there.

Sincerely,
R.B.

iamheather

on Nov 29, 2004

Dharma,

Go to the doctor! As someone who has clinical depression and anxiety attacks, I totally understand. It is so difficult to take that first step.

I don't want to ramble on and preach at you. Just know that I care and understand. Please get help and keep us informed. I am always here for you. If you feel like talking, ranting or crying, I offer my phone number or email. Just post me here, and I will post my phone number.

Bless you dharma and my prayers are with you.

lifehappens

on Nov 29, 2004

I'm glad you are going to get some help. Let me know how it goes. I may follow in you footsteps...

foreverserenity

on Nov 30, 2004

Dharma, I do hope you will go to the doctor, I know you said you will and I hope you do. It's hard when things are happening in your life and you have no control over them, no matter how much you try. It's good that you see the pattern your life is taking and you will do something about that. Seems like it's been a really rough year for a lot of folks, me included. Everyone that I know directly or indirectly have been going through something. Hang in there and keep the faith. Like Suz says, take care of you. Cause without you, where would the others who rely on you be?

DylanZimmerman

on Nov 30, 2004

dharma, as you know I suffer from depression myself. I've been in and out of therapy much of my life and I'm not sure it's helped me. Right now at least I can say I have a reason for feeling depressed, but that doesn't make it any easier. Maybe I would have gotten better if I'd been prescribed anti-depressants earlier, but I was probably considered too young or something-and here I am 10 years later and still trying to out-run the monster.

Maybe the kind of person you are has a lot to do with how quickly you recover, and if you stay well. I think you're a much stronger person than me, dharma, and I think you're gonna be okay. I know there's a hell of a lotta stress in your life, and I hope therapy helps you cope better. It's tough to come out and admit you need help- you should feel proud of yourself, it's really not easy, I know.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Good luck .

Dyl xx

BlueDev

on Nov 30, 2004

I hope all goes well Dharma. I will be praying for you all.

InBloom

on Dec 01, 2004

Dharma, i hope you feel better...i've been down the road of depression, to the point of it stopping my life for a few months...I do hope you get better...it may not be right away...but hopefully you will do so soon.

dharmagrl

on Dec 21, 2004

Just as a quick update...I've been on Elavil for a couple of weeks now, and so far things have been okay.

There has been talk of this article being a suicide threat...I suppose in part because of it's title, and partly because I mentioned briefly thinking about how easy it would be to just fall asleep and not wake up.

To those who consider this a suicidal ideation: you're grasping at straws. Trying, as usual, to make something out of nothing. That's okay, I understand how sad and pathetic you are and that you need to constantly pick on someone to make yourselves feel worthwhile. I can forgive you....I don't care for it much, and I won't tolerate your comments on my blog, but I understand why you feel the need to do the things you do.

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