This was inspired in part by Myrrander's wonderful tribute to military spouses (Link )

Dear D,

You often ask me what I did when you were gone.  I have finally summoned enough courage to answer that question.

I cried.  Every night, after the kids were in bed and everyone was asleep.  After you and I had hung up our last phone call, after the last email professing endless and undying love had been sent and recieved....I wept.  I clutched your pillow, trying desperately to smell you as I sobbed.  I soaked my pillowcase every night and woke with swollen and reddened eyes every morning, without fail.

I put on a permanent happy face every day.  No matter what I was feeling inside, no matter how difficult the world was going to be, I tried not to show the kids how much i was hurting and how miserable I was.  The neighbors either..anyone that i knew I would have to come face to face with again wasn't allowed to see the 'real' me, the shrivelled, withered dark Karen that existed in the outer shell of the smiley-face everything's cool Karen.  I sometimes worried that I would rattle around within myself when I walked, that someone would hear it and would figure me out and would rip off the shell and see the 'real' me in all my naked and vulnerable glory.....

I played mommy and daddy all by myself.  I tried to give our children as normal a life as possible when you were gone.  I went to PTC's alone, I went to birthday parties alone .  I celebrated holidays alone, going through the motions of putting up and taking down decorations, of wrapping gifts and writing 'love, Dad' on the labels so the kids would think that you had somehow managed to bribe Santa to stop by and pick up your special delivery.........I didnt make it trick-or-treating alone, but there was a good reason for that.  I tried to compensate for your not being there....I don't know if i did a good job or not, you'll have to ask the kids that...but I did try.

I faced death, again alone.  On a cold highway, in the snow, death stared at me through the spidered windshield of the Jeep that you bought for me.  I don't know if I've ever told you this before, but the paramedics had to take my cell phone away from me....I was calling everyone we knew to make sure the kids would be taken care of when they go out of school, that they would have somewhere to go with someone who knew them...and that they woudn't be scared because neither you or I could be there.  The medic who was taking care of me ended up making the calls for me because I was getting so upset at the thought of their bewilderment....of their scared little faces, of how confused and frightened they would be.

I pressed on.  Even on days when I felt like crawling into a little ball, pulling the covers over my head and sleeping until tomorrow came.....I got up, and I put on my happy face outer shell and I did what needed to be done.  Despite the physical pain that I endured every single day, I went through the motions of life....I existed.  I didn't live.  Living implies some kind of joy or happiness, and there wasn't much of that around when you were gone.  Instead, I did what was necessary to make it through to tomorrow, and I took it from there.

I tended to my breaking heart.  I taped it, I patched it, I did whatever I had to do to try and keep it intact until you could come home and mend it yourself.  By the time we found out that we weren't going to England it was in a pretty sorry state, D...and by the time you came home there wasn't much holding it together.

I tried.  Every day, every night, I tried.  To be the best mother, the best substitute father, the best wife, the best friend, the best Karen I could be.  I gave it my all. 

And it was worth it.  Because you came home, and we're still together, and more importantly, we're still happy with each other.  It was so worth it....

.....and I would do it all again, anytime you ask me to.  Because I love you, because you are beyond any shadow of a doubt the best damn friend, lover, husband, companion I ever had and I am totally undeserving of you love and friendship......

...I will do it all again.

Ditto, ad infinitum.