I think my son has ADD and I am heartbroken.

Published on November 2, 2004 By dharmagrl In Health & Medicine

I'm taking my youngest in to get tested for ADD.

Jake's had issues with listening and following directions for ages. He rarely finishes anything he starts, he forgets things constantly, his room and his desk at school are disaster areas, he's disruptive.....sometimes when I talk to him I can almost see the words bouncing right off him. He doesn't listen, he doesn't absorb.

We had parent/teacher conferences last week, and his teacher brought up his lack of self-discipline and problems paying attention. She said that she sees the same thing at school that I do at home, and that she thinks Jake has a lot of potential but she's having a hard time getting through to him and tapping that potential. She showed me some of his work...it was awful. Instead of lining things up neatly on the left hand side of the page, he had written them everywhere. Apparently, it happens frequently. He got C's on his report card......he got an A in math, because he likes that, but everything else was low B, or C grade.

Tonight was a perfect example of how Jake is...he had a spelling list to practice. We sat down, just me and him, away from everyone else, and I called out the words and he spelled them. He got 2 wrong. I had him write down the ones he got wrong, spell them for me without looking at them, then we took a 5 min break and came back to the word list. Again, I called, he wrote....and he got 8 out of the 10 wrong. Words he knew before, had got right the last time around, he got wrong this time. That's par for the course...since the start of the school year, Jake has consistently done this. I thought that perhaps it was the atmosphere, that it wasn't quiet enough or that I was doing it wrong....but no matter what I do, he does the same thing.

So, my boy, my little man, is going off to the doctor next week to see what's up. And I'm heartbroken. It took me 3 shots of cinnamon schnapps to get up the guts to sit down and right this. I love my boy, my baby, and I would do anything for him.....and there's such a stigma attached to having a disorder that I hate to do this to him.....but I don't know what else to do, how else to help him.

He's my son. And I love him.

Comments (Page 2)

shadesofgrey

on Nov 03, 2004

Dharma:

There was a study done several years ago that I found very interesting--apparently, ADD and ADHD are "modern day" disorders. This doesn't mean that they didn't exist before, but that they were not considered disruptive in the past. People with ADD and ADHD are often better "crisis responders." These were the people, in the Middle Ages, who would guard the palace late at night because the adrenaline rush of an attack focused their attention.

The study also investigated fire departments and polices stations. A surprisingly high number of rescue workers are diagnosed with ADD. (The reason I know about this study is that my brother, a firefighter, has ADD and some one explained why that was such a likely career path for him).

If all of this is accurate, it seems that society has simply shifted to the extent that previously "normal" behavoir is now considered a "disorder." It's important to remember that we are all viewing life through different lenses, and the lenses that Jake sees things through might lead him on some exciting paths that he wouldn't have otherwise travelled if he were "normal."

So, I guess in a round-about way, I'm trying to say--don't worry. Different doesn't always equal wrong.

dharmagrl

on Nov 03, 2004

I just got done filling out Jake's questionnaire from the doctor's office.

He scored incredibly high for ADD. The first 18 questions described him to a 'T'. I sat and had a good cry over it, then came to the realization that this is a good thing....that instead of being labelled as 'unruly' or dumb, Jake's going to get the help he needs to be his best, and that can't be a bad thing.

I'm afraid of one thing....of how he's going to be on the medication. I've heard some things about the side effects that bother me...but not enough to not want to at least try it.

I'm off to the school now, to ask his teacher to fill out her part. I know what it's going to look like, based on what she told me last week at conferences.

KarmaGirl

on Nov 03, 2004

Dharma,

I'm going to give you my full view on the ADD thing. Some things may be helpful, some may not. Some may even make you mad, and some may not apply to you at all, but if any helps I'll be happy.

My daughter fits an ADHD profile 95%. I had three doctors tell me that she is ADHD and one *insisted* that I give her meds. I read some, read more, and started questioning everything that I read. What I found made me sad. Most *normal* kids can fit the profile of ADHD. The number of children being treated for ADHD is absolutely shocking. ADHD diagnosis is usually prompted by a teacher who is tired of "dealing" with a difficult child. Here are some random thoughts about it in no particular order or reason:

1) FOOD ALLERGY!!!! (OK, this one is #1 for a reason). I found out that the massive amounts of food preservatives, sugars, artificial ingredients and hormones cause children with sensitive nervous systems to have symptoms. This was the #1 thing that I found with my daughter and it ended up being dairy. She is OK with organic, but give her "regular" massed produced and watch her turn into devil child. Add that to a nice serving of ultra-blue fruit snacks and you barely can get her to sleep. I had doctors tell me that it couldn't be. I then was talking to an associate from another company who's tag line is "like a geek on dairy". He is also allergic to dairy, even as an adult. He likens drinking a glass of mass produced milk with drinking a 4 shot espresso. His Mom was told that he was ADD as a child but refused to medicate him. She eventually found a doctor that has been studying the effects of dairy on children.

2) Environment. Something that you send made me cringe- "since the start of the school year, Jake has consistently done this". Why just this year? What changed? (Well, I know some, but I am sure that there is more). What is his classroom/teacher like?

3) Attention. Things have changed in your life. He may be under stress and needs more attention.

4) Boredom. Kids who are not challenged lash out in different ways. As an example, my husband failed a grade because he didn't do homework and ignored the teacher. Why didn't he do it? It was boring and he didn't see the point, so he simply didn't pay attention.

5) It may simply be his personality. Some children are high strung. You meet people like this all the time, and you usually view them as "high energy". They usually end up being fairly successful, but had "issues" when they were children.

6) Some children have sensitive nervous systems that will be triggered by different things (This is actually what they expect colic is). My daughter is this way. Too much noise, too much stress, too much anything will turn her into a crazed child. It's the way she is, and she is growing and learning to deal with it.

7) I have a cousin who was having her daughter treated for ADHD. Come to find out the daughter was actually hypoglycemic. After a proper diet, the ADHD signs went away.

Don't know if any of that helps, but hopefully ot will help you question *everything* that the doctors say, and maybe have them look into other health issues that could be the underlying cause of his issues.

dharmagrl

on Nov 03, 2004

Karma-

I'm having him tested for food allergies as well, and in the meantime I'm removing sugars and dairy to see if that makes a difference.

I sat down and thought about Jake's behaviour...this has been going on for ages. Like before his dad left last year. At the time, I attributed it to his dad being gone, but.....I don't know for sure that that was it.

Jake doesn't have too many issues with hyperactivity. Occasionally he'll have a bad day, but it's not a constant thing. His real issue is with attention and focus. All kids have problems with that, I know, but Jake......is markedly different. Like his teacher explained to me today, orally he's sharp, but he can't focus long enough to put it on paper. He cannot follow instructions to save his life...we break things down for him, so he only has to do one thing at a time, otherwise we get frustrated and so does he.

Don't worry, I'm going to try and do everything I can to make sure Jake gets the best treatment option for HIM, not for a kid with ADD (if that makes sense)

foreverserenity

on Nov 03, 2004

Dharmagrl, I feel your anxiety. My son is 10 and he had a problem last year with his teacher in 4th Grade. He's the kind of child that is very creative and loves adventures. He especially loves to draw. He loves cartoons. My son was always on the Dean's list until he got to 4th Grade. Then we started having problems with him and school. His teacher wanted me to have him put on medication, I told her no way. After sitting with him and talking to him I found out that bottom line (1) he was bored in his class (2) he was intimidated by her. (3) She didn't give him a chance to answer questions, write his homework down and other things. As a precaution, I also took him to see his pediatrician who told me that there nothing wrong with him. My son is asthmatic and takes Advair and Singulair on a daily basis. This is the cause of his being hyper. What I have to do is make sure he eats and this stabilizes him, i.e., he's not so hyped all the time. I decided to see what I could do about removing him from his then classroom and with another teacher who would not be so strict. (this is not about discipline, rather about how she handled him). This teacher was very set in her ways and there's no if, ands, or buts with her. It's her way, a square box, and there's no venturing anywhere out of the square box. She didnt' allow her students to express themselves creatively, or try to work with or around my son so that he would improve in her class. So, after trying to change his class and by then it was too late. I decided that he has to stay in her class and I told him, no matter what you do, always, listen, pay attention to her in class, participate, do your home work and assignments and if you need help, I'll always be there. So I kept a vigilant schedule with him, always making sure that he turned projects in on time and do his homwork, etc. Some of the times, she wouldn't give him fair grades, for his work. I usually ask her why she graded him the way she did, her response was always, that's the system she uses. For most of the time in his class, he didnt' function that well. There was a time when he was even shutting down, literally and I tried to get the Guidance Counselor involved, but she only made promises and never followed up. I was so glad when he finally left her class at the end of the Summer term this year. His teacher was an older person who has been in the school system a long time. The new school year in 5th Grade, he has a younger teacher, a male. I waited anxiously to see what that would be like. My husband met with him first and then I did at the first face to face meeting. My son is back on track. He's very happy to be in this new class and more importantly, this teacher allows him to work freely with his creativeness. He produces his work, participates in class and is overall very happy to be in school again. While its not entirely a breeze all the way, cause kids will be kids, and I still am vigilant about homework and assignments, I can see him more relaxed and making a big effort and he knows his work will be rewarded, fairly. I know that this is different from your son's story, but sometimes looking at the overall picture is key. Some kids respond in different ways for different reasons. I know you will do the best for your child and good luck with what you have to do. I know it's not easy going through what you are experiencing. There's nothing wrong with either of you and you are not a bad parent. I used to wonder that of myself a lot of time. Because I used to spend sleepless nights thinking about what my son was going through and saw how much it affected him. In the beginning I would get angry and took that anger out on him, by being impatient and shouting and just ignoring him sometimes. Until I realized that that's not the way to react and started listening to him and putting what we were going through to others who went through the same thing and getting answers and advice. It will be very frustrating, but you are a patient person and I know you and your son will weather this storm. Goodluck.

dharmagrl

on Nov 03, 2004

It will be very frustrating, but you are a patient person and I know you and your son will weather this storm. Goodluck.

Thank you.. his dad and I are sitting down this evening and coming up with a plan for Jake. We're reading about how kids with ADD need structure and discipline, and we're trying to work out a way for Jake to be able to follow directions....which is going to mean giving him single commands, instead of chain commands, things like that. It's going to be a big adjustment for his dad.....and I, now that I'm leaning more and more towards the probability of ADD, am feeling guilty. All the times I yelled at him or chastised him, and it wasn't really his fault.......

dharmagrl

on Nov 03, 2004

deadzombie, I have a question for you...how did you tell your son? How did you explain to him that he had ADD? I'm going to have to tell jake why he's going to the doctor, and I'm not quite sure how to broach the subject.

thanks in advance, dude.....

Shovelheat

on Nov 03, 2004

A friend of mines son was diagnosed with ADD and what did they do? Of all things they bought him a DRUM SET! I couldn't beleive it, but he really, REALLY took to it! I know it would'nt work for everybody, but it was a Godsend for him. Maybe it has something to do with the flow of the beat, I don't know.

My best friend in school had ADD. He is an outstanding man today. This can be overcome.

dharmagrl

on Nov 03, 2004

This can be overcome.

I know. I'm determined to work as hard as I can to make jake's life 'normal'....

You know, he has 2 things that he can sit still for: math and jigsaw puzzles (as long as they're around 100 pieces, or else he gets disillusioned). So, his dad and i are going to go get him some new puzzles tomorrow and make a point of doing some math with him every night. We've also moved a rocker into his room....so that when he has to go for a timeout he won't have to sit totally still (which he finds hard sometimes); he can rock himself as much as he wants.

I'm relieved.....now I have an idea that it's not just jake acting up, things look a lot different. But, i'm feeling guilty as hell. that i was a bad parent in some way, that i didn't pay him enough attention.....and also over all the times i've chastised him for something he literally had no control over.

he's an awesome child, a truly wonderful little boy.

MarcieMoo

on Nov 04, 2004

K~

Ack! Darlin...don't think that if Jake actually has ADD that it's your parenting, or something you did wrong...because its not.

I don't know...I worry about that...I have kids who have a hard time sitting still and getting things done. I try to get them a nice, quiet, private spot where they can work, but sometimes, that doesn't work either. I think with my one boy...I'm just going to pull him aside, take him behind my desk and say "This is YOUR work spot. No one will bother you here. This is your space to get things done during reading. Let's try it and see if it works. Just a change in environment can make a difference, you know? These kids are fine when we're doing something as a whole group, its when I let them off by themselves that they have a hard time staying on task. I think I might invite some kids to just sit close to me, too...so they can feed off of what we're in a small group and have that security of me being there with them. They're still babies, you know? They need that.

Another thing I try to do is make sure I at least say good morning to each kid and make a little bit of contact with each one so they know that I've acknowledged that they're there and that I'm glad they're at school today! They have a little bit of me then. I try to make individual contact with everyone every day too...a hug if they want, just asking them how they're doing, etc. I think its important for teachers to build rapport with students...that way they feel safe to be themselves, make mistakes, and even succeed in that classroom.

I think what Karma said is the route to go...you know...if modifying his diet or his environment is going to help that behavior, THAT is DEFINITELY the way to go...I'd avoid meds if I could...BUT...if they help him focus without losing his "Jake-ness"...why not?

d3adz0mbie

on Nov 05, 2004

First, I want to say sorry for taking so long to reply... between the election and work I've been distracted for the past 48 hours.

My wife and I told our son that God had struck him down for being bad, and the more he misbehaved the crazier he would get.

OMG! No we didn't say that! But hopefully that wasn't too twisted to bring a smile to your face. SERIOUSLY, we talked (and still do) openly with Josh about whats going on in his brain. We used a ton of analogies with him, and most of them didn't work until he was on medication and could slow down enough to pay attention longer than 2 seconds. Some of the things that seemed to strike a cord with Josh in helping him understand what was going on with him were:
1.) He wanted to know why other kids didnt need to take medicine like he did (or, why am I different Mom and Dad??) Everyone is different. Some people are tall, some people short. Some people have dark skin, some people light skin. Some people think too fast. It's normal and ok for people to be different.
2.) When he asked why he needed medicine we explained that some people need help to make their bodies work better. Just like his brother needs glasses to see better, Josh needs medicine to think better. Just like people can still see without glasses, people can still be smart without medicine... it just helps you be better. (At the time he was six, so some of these might seem a little simplified). We tied this talk into him taking his medicine everyday (which many children try to avoid). It was an easy leap for him to understand that if his brother doesnt wear his glasses every day his eyes would get worse and eventually "break". Same thing with his medicine... he has to take it every day or else theres a chance that his brain might eventually 'break'.
3.) One of Joshuas biggest questions was if he was always going to have to take medicine. It was easy for him to understand that there are some things we just don't know, like how tall he's going to grow or if its going to rain next week... we also dont know how long he'll have to take his medicine. But we promised him to always keep track of how his medicine was helping and if it someday needed to be stopped.

Josh now understands very well how his medicine helps him. Like Ive bragged many times, hes a math whiz, so those failing grades have turned into ace grades. He knows he thinks better on his medicine, and looks forward to taking it every day, and sometimes warns us when it's starting to wear off ("Dad, Im thinking too fast again." Which still breaks our heart that he knows hes going into another wild period). He also has tried to use it as an excuse for bad behaviour ("Mom, I didn't mean to punch my sister in the face - my medicine must have worn off") when of course my wife and I know its in full effect and were around the corner listening to the two of them get into a squabble, like kids do.

If YOU think of anything with Jake, let us know... we arent experts here, we've just got the experience of our own son and the research we've read from other parents in similar situations.

One last thing: Don't be afraid of medication, but do be cautious. Joshua was originally put on a 15mg prescription of (I forget the name) that gave him headaches... and we started to see him completely zone out. That obviously wasnt right for his brain chemistry. Now hes on 30mg of Adderrall which made him sleepless at first, but gives him remarkable balance of mental clarity. He still gets wild, like kids do, when hes playing. he also can come home from school, sit himself down and do his homework and bring it to me or my wife. He's fun and engaging: he's our Josh again!
Some things we've seen in Josh from his medication. First, he's learned to cope with loud noises, which used to panic him. He's also learned to play in the grass (the tactile sensation of grass used to overload him). He behaves in school, but now has more friends because he can think clear enough to speak to people in a comprehensable manner (he used to talk so fast he was difficult to understand). We still watch his diet, especially because Josh is naturally skinny, and drugs like Adderrall can cause weight loss. If we see he's lost a pound or two we usually take him off the prescription for a day or two so he regains his naturally huge appetite. He's old enough to understand that "taking medicine everyday" is balanced by the need to maintain a healthy weight.

And if Jake is ADD or ADHD, its not his fault, your fault or your husbands fault. These things happen in every family, its just people have been covering up 'crazy uncle joe' for years now...we've only become enlightened enough in the past three decades to start to openly discuss this!

Good luck, I'll be watching this article for Jakes results, whatever they may be. BTW, it took my wife a few Jack and Cokes to start to accept this... she blamed herself at first, was in denial for awhile, but ultimately shes alot like you: a great Mom willing to help her son no matter what.

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