I don't know

how come this happens at the last minute?

Published on July 19, 2004 By dharmagrl In Marital Issues

I don't know why, but I've been having some nagging doubts about my feelings for my husband and our relationship recently. I do know why - it's because he's so close to coming home. I'm having to face the reality of the circumstance now. It's not a far-away dream anymore.

I look at pictures of him, and whilst I feel like I love him, know him....I find myself feeling so distant and detached. Like the Dave I've come to know is just a bunch of words in an email, a voice on the end of the phone, or a digital picture.

I wonder how I'm going to feel about the real Dave. The flesh and blood Dave. The Dave that snores and pees noisily in the night. The Dave that loads his food with garlic salt. That Dave that is obstinate and pig headed and cold and stand offish. The Dave that I married, the one who sent me flowers after I had a breast lump removed, the one who cried when I called him to tell him I had been in an accident and thought I was dying...the one who holds my hand and has the ability to make me weep or be overwhelmed with joy with just a look. The Dave who gets immense joy from 'dutch oven'-ing me in the car and who can't sleep well unless some part of his body is touching mine. The Dave who's a great dad, an even better cop, the one who fixes things when they break and who refuses to ride passenger with me because I make him 'nauseous' and it's just not a 'manly' thing to do; have your woman drive you around.

What if I don't like living with him again? What if it was more fun being alone? More importantly, what if he doesn't like ME anymore? What if he decides that being a single dude was more fun? How am I going to handle that rejection? What if the last 10 years was just ...well, I'm not even going to go there right now.

I thought that the hard part was over. Seems to me it's just beginning.

Comments

trina_p

on Jul 19, 2004

Aw Karen,

I think the title of your last blog was very appropriate "tired and overwhelmed"

Whie I'll let the people married more then 1 year give the sage advice - the way you describe him just then and the way you talk about him in your blogs and emails makes me realise how much you really truly love him and he loves you just as much.
It'll be okay - remember you're the one who tells the other wives what deployment is like - Practice what you preach sista!

Love You - I know it will all be Great!!!
25days!

dharmagrl

on Jul 19, 2004

You know, I'm sitting here like a big idiot with tears running down my face, reading what you just said.

I DO love him...I know it, he knows it. It WILL be fine...I'm just tired, overwhelmed and very apprehensive right now. It;a ll so...new, I guess, the thought of being an actual part of a physical couple again, not just in theoty.

I'm going to go dry my tears and have a beer.

Thanks, Trina. Love you too....

chiprj

on Jul 19, 2004

dharmagrl - My wife and I were seperated for almost two years while I was in Korea. I think we were both a bit anxious and apprehensive about living together again. We're both fairly independent people and strongwilled (well I'm strongwilled, she's just stubborn... or is it the other way around?). Honestly, it did take a little while to get used to each other again. But we also experienced something close to a second honeymoon in our new home, too. I realize that I'm new here at JU and don't know you (or anyone outside greywar) very well, but from what I've read on your blog, I think you just need to remember and believe in feelings and yourself and trust in your husband, too. I'd say, it's probably just anxiety and nervousness that WILL pass.

dharmagrl

on Jul 19, 2004

We're both fairly independent people and strongwilled (well I'm strongwilled, she's just stubborn... or is it the other way around?).

You just described 'us' to a 'T'.

Thanks, Chipr, it helps to have someone who knows what it's like having been there.

carebear07

on Jul 19, 2004

Aww....Dharma, no matter what you decide to do or what Dave decides to do, just know that I'll be here for you. If you ever need to talk, you've got my email address.

*hugs*
~carebear~

Alysias Daddy

on Jul 19, 2004

Karen.. keep looking up. I know, I'm not a wife of someone who goes away like that. But I am a husband, and I know how scary it is to come home to someone who may have changed. Don't think of the bad thoughts, think of the things that make you happy.

Emma and I go through this every time I leave, and come back. Usually, its not as bad as we make it out to be. I'll be praying for you and Dave.
Shawn

stevendedalus

on Jul 19, 2004

Dharma, you know, it's possible that your husband is rolling the same thoughts in his head; it is only natural to be beset with alienation from a long absence. Think positive: absence makes the heart grow fonder.

dharmagrl

on Jul 20, 2004

Ashley - Thank you.

Shawn - Thank you too. We've been separated before, but never for this long (a year and a few days).

Steven - Thank you.....and you're right, I'm sure that at least some of the same fears are going through Dave's mind. I'll ask him the next time I talk to him. (I'm honored that you showed up here, btw )

BlueDev

on Jul 20, 2004

Dharma, I don't have anything new to add. But from what I know of you and Dave your love for each other is far stronger than any of these doubts. My wife and I haven't been through what you are going through, so I can't pretend to really understand it. But in our six years of marriage (just had our sixth anniversary on Saturday) we have both had doubts. And every time we have doubts we both think back to the time we decided that it would be the right thing for us to spend the rest of our lives together. Sure, at that time we didn't understand our realize all the trials we would go through. But you never do when you start something. You just take them as they come, hold on to each other, and trust in the love that you both have.

You are all in our prayers dharma.

Janders

on Jul 20, 2004

Dharma, I know that these next few months will be hard, but you are strong. I believe in you, you are a good person and everything will work out the way it is meant to be..

You can email me anytime for a listening ear.... Link

Poetmom99

on Jul 21, 2004

Just the fact that you can write a paragraph like that one, with both the good and the bad, tells me that it's probably going to be easier than you're anticipating. The love is there in every word you write, Karen.....you just need to give each other time and space to get used to being on the same continent, much less in the same house!

What if it was more fun being alone?

Oh yeah, you've had tons of fun....HOW many times have we heard about how much you miss him, how much you wish the two of you could be together?

More importantly, what if he doesn't like ME anymore? What if he decides that being a single dude was more fun? How am I going to handle that rejection?

Then your JU sisters come after him, and make him VERY sorry, that 's what!!!

Yes! That's the woman I've come to know and love....that sounds so much better!

dharmagrl

on Jul 21, 2004

Oh yeah, you've had tons of fun....HOW many times have we heard about how much you miss him, how much you wish the two of you could be together?

Umm...I dunno? Daily, hourly even?

It's not just him returning, it's his mother that I'm getting worked up over. Being on leave, surrounded by family all expecting him to entertain them...the family is so damn scattered and dysfunctional there's bound to be a fight.

Just what we need, huh?

stevendedalus

on Jul 22, 2004

Dharma, before you engage in the chaos of family reunion and entertainment, be sure to first have a few quiet days for just the two of you as readjustment time.

JillUser

on Jul 23, 2004

what if he doesn't like ME anymore

Not possible. I bet he is having the same worries and you guys will soon slip into the old routines.

Best wishes.

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