It raises it's ugly head again.
I had a flashback of sorts this evening.
For those of you who don't know, let me lay down a little background for you: I had a bad vehicle accident last October. The ass end of my jeep slid out on some black ice on the interstate and I ended up facing oncoming traffic and got nailed head-on by an 18 wheeler. I broke some ribs, my collarbone, shoulderblade, dislocated my shoulders, tore tendons in my neck, cut up my knees, broke my knuckle on my right hand, and bruised my heart and lungs. I was concious throught the entire event - sometimes I wish I hadn't been.
Anyway, I was watching some medical show on TV, and they had an accident on there that was pretty similar to mine. The paramedics were asking the patient questions...the exact same questions someone had asked me as I was sitting in the driver's seat of my jeep right before they extracted me......and there was that same feeling again, that panicky, scared feeling. I could almost feel my ribs start to ache, my neck start to tighten up, my shoulders begin to hurt....my heart started racing, and I began to cry. I didn't realize I was weeping until I felt the tears dripping off my cheeks, which was kind of a wake-up call for me to get up and walk away from what I was seeing and hearing, shaking and crying like a kid.
It pisses me off. I struggled with it all winter, I had a full-blown flashback in December and tied myself up in knots if I had to drive in snow or ice. I had nightmares that I would wake up from covered in sweat - in my dreams I'd be in the jeep, the second before impact, having that 'oh shit' moment people talk about, where I knew I was going to hit this big ass truck, and I knew it was going to hurt, and I also knew there was no getting out of it. I thought that I had finally put it to bed when Dave came home in January and we went to look at the wreckage of the jeep - I sat in the drivers seat while Dave held my hand and talked to me, and that really helped me face a lot of fears. I didn't have any more nightmares after that, no more flashbacks, no worries, none to speak of anyway.
Until tonight. You know, I cried the whole time I was sitting here writing this, and I don't know why. It's over, it's done. I got lucky; according to every physician that's treated me since the wreck, I should have died. I didn't. I'm still here, I'm alive and well.
So why is this raising it's ugly head now? I mean, I know why..it was the sound of the medic's voice that tipped me off...but when is this going to stop? What can I do to make it stop?
Will it ever be over?