Dear Dad,

It's me again.  I've lost count of how many times I've written to you in the past few months, but if I had to guess I'd say it was over a hundred times.  I know in my heart that you don't NEED me to write, that you already know how I'm feeling and what I have to say to you...but it helps me to write it down anyway (and I know that you know that too).

I miss you, Dad.  I miss you every fucking day, in one way or another.  Sorry for the profanity, btw.  I know that like me to be a lady and not cuss, but some situations simply NEED a little profanity in them - and this is one of them.  Anyway, as I was saying - I miss you.  Every day.  I sometimes go to pick up the phone and call you to tell you about something I've seen or done, and I often have the reciever in my hand and my fingers ready to dial before I realize that you're not able to talk to me like that anymore. Those incidents usually end up with me sequestered in my bathroom so the kids won't see me cry again.  Today they're at school, so I can cry freely, and, as you already know, I'm doing just that right now.

The thing that prompted me to write this letter is Dave's acceptance to Raven school and lateral move to a HQ staff position.  You, having military experience, will understand what a HUGE honor this is and how it will help his career and rank progression.  He always loved that you understood the way the military worked, btw.  He's still got the cards you sent him whenever he made rank.  Anyway, we were at the retirement ceremony on Monday when Dave and I said goodbye to CMSgt E and met all the people he's going to be working with and for, and I had a really hard time not breaking down in tears because all I could think of was how I wished you were here to see this happening.  I know how proud you were of Dave; you told me that you loved him like a son and treated himas if he were one of your own.  He was listed in your obituary, along with Kev's wife, W.  I know you know about that, but I thought I'd mention it because it shows how you and mum treat Dave as a son, rather than a son-in-law. 

Anyway, I rang mum right after I got home and she and I had a good cry over how proud you'd have been  of him and how we both wished you'd have been here to see this.  I'm doing my best to look after her, Dad. There's not much I can do from here but call her regularly and often....she's coming here for a holiday next spring, and I'm really looking forward to that.  We have plans to take her up the Arch and to the zoo and The Loop and to Dave's workplace so she can see what he does on a daily basis.  It's going to be hard, seeing her without you in tow.  You two went everywhere together, and I worry about her being lonely.  She's seeming to do alright, but I still worry and wish I could do more.

Anyway, the kids will be home soon, so I'd better finish this letter up and wash my tear-stained face before they come home and see me.  I don't mind showing them some grief, dad, but they're so young still....I don't want to overload them.  They know it's okay to show emotion and it's ok to cry, but still I feel this need to protect them....much like you wanted to shelter me.  Heh, you wanted to shelter me until the day you died.  That's why you didn't want mum to tell me you were in the hospital again the day before you passed away; you didn't want to worry me.  I wish that you had, dad.  I'd have rung and made the nurses take the phone to you so I could talk to you.  You wouldn't even have had to say anything, dad.  I just wanted to tell you I loved you.  Anyway, you know all that, though...don't you.

I love you dad, and I miss you.  Oh, how I miss you.....

Your daughter,

K