I snoop

Published on August 25, 2006 By dharmagrl In Internet

I have an almost-14-year old daughter who has discovered the joys of blogging and the internet.

As a parent, I feel it's my responsibility to somehow manage to prepare my children for the uneven playing field that is life but at the same time not blow their innocence away too soon. It's hard, especially when you have a child who thinks they're worldy and society-savvy and wants to stake their claim for a little independence. I want my daughter to know that I trust her, but to also know that I'm her parent and will step in if I think she's out of her depth.

The trick, of course, is not to LET her get out of her depth. I don't want to come in and fix things; I don't want there to be anything to fix. There are precautions that we take:

She has to ask for permission to use the computer. It's password protected, and she doesn't have the password. She has to ask her father or I to unlock it.

The desktop computer is in the living room, and none of the kids are allowed to be on the computer when there's no adult in the room. There's always an adult in the room whenever she or her brothers are online.

We don't have any messenger programs on the desktop, and we don't allow participation in chat rooms under any circumstances.

We have the user ID's and passwords to ALL email and ID-protected sites.

Those are all good precautions, right? I think so. But I also think that they're not enough. There are a million things that she could be looking at or writing about without my knowledge. Things that, despite my wanting to give her a sense of privacy and respect, I need to know about.

So I snoop.

She knows that I snoop occasionally. She knows that I am able to see exactly what she looked at and how long she looked at it for. She knows that I am able to uncover what she wrote and see who responded. She knows that I'm looking and monitoring, and whilst I think she might be slightly frustrated at my snooping she knows that I'm doing it for her protection.

She knows, because I've told her. When I found an article that she wrote on her blog about how she was upset at her grandfather's death and how she felt unhappy enough to wonder how she could get rid of the emotional pain she was experiencing, I sat down with her in her room and talked to her about it. She asked me to leave and then cried herself to sleep, but the next day she was able to tell me why she had written in and discuss how we could deal with her pain.

When we found that she'd been visiting some pretty dark vampire/goth sites we again asked her what she was doing there and why. She'd only been there briefly, but the content of those sites was disturbing enough to us that we felt the need to ask her about them.

She still visits some places that are not exactly my cup of tea. She has her style and is developing a pretty strong sense of self. She also has a well-defined sense of right and wrong, so I'm not terribly worried about what she does online.

I don't want to have a net-nanny. I don't want to micro-manage the content of my kid's lives. I don't want them to feel like I'm always in their business....but I want them to know that I'm still their parent and I WILL do whatever it takes to protect them from things I don't believe they're ready to see.

I snoop, and I'm not ashamed of it.

Comments (Page 2)

Fairyy~

on Aug 26, 2006

I snoop, and I'm not ashamed of it.

I really dont think you will find one parent of a child that age to disagree with you. Too bad every parent didn't protect their children like this. I'm an adult - I'm careful - but I have seen kids this age give out their real names and phone numbers without batting an eye. Its a dangerous practice...but they are naive to that - they dont realise that the Net can be a wonderful place but a place that requires a lot of adult sense. You do whatever it takes ...when she's 15 you might be in for a battle - but its not one you can let her win.

Fairyy~

on Aug 26, 2006

history better not ever be empty nor cookies and internet temp files.

Thats how I followed my boys around - I wasnt even very computer savvy back then - they were smarter - but not smart enough to delete cookies ( boys - but Mom I was just looking at a car site - I dont know how I got to that X rated place )

Uh huh ...

Dr Guy

on Aug 26, 2006

( boys - but Mom I was just looking at a car site - I dont know how I got to that X rated place )

So far, I have not gotten that one! But as long as the site only has one click. A fellow tech told me to go to this tech site (the name looked legit) about the 'Newest' OS (Win2k back then). He mispelled it, and all of a sudden I was on a porn site with windows popping open all over the place! I could not close it fast enough!

We all got a laugh out of that one.

Bichur

on Aug 26, 2006

My only child is 7 and isn't that interested in the web.
I have to snoop on my neighbors.

Fairyy~

on Aug 26, 2006

He mispelled it, and all of a sudden I was on a porn site with windows popping open all over the place! I could not close it fast enough!

Back 5 years ago it was easy for these sites to hijack you ..I know it happened to me quite often. I use to panic cos some of them made your task bar disappear and I'd be confused as to how to get out of there ( I usully hit the shut down button ) But with all the pop up controlers now - its not as big a problem.

starkers

on Aug 26, 2006

Given what I found my 16 yo stepdaughter was constantly into, totally inappropriate content and chat, she would totally be banned from the net if she were here. I will not tolerate a kid going behind my back to do what she knows full well I'd disapprove of, so if and when she ever decides to return, the internet will be totally off limits until she can prove to be trustworthy.

So yes, by all means snoop....better to nip undesirable behaviour in the bud before it get out of hand....and if all is above board and innocent, at least you have peace of mind in that knowledge. Sadly, I didn't snoop enough when required and now we're suffering the consequences

It's one thing to give your children a certain amount of privacy, but another to ignore that they may read an activities pamphlet on your coffee table that contains a map and free voucher to a local bordello. In other words, be vigilant to all that's harmful and remove it from reach when temptation becomes too strong.

Dr Guy

on Aug 26, 2006

But with all the pop up controlers now - its not as big a problem.

And why they are standard installs on my computers as well!

Tova7

on Aug 26, 2006

Shea has a friend who's mother lets her do what she wants, when she wants - this is the girl who persuaded SHea it would be ok to go to the mall without telling me. They were supposed to be sleeping over at this girl's house, not going off base, and certainly not going to the mall in urban St Louis alone, unsupervised/attended on a Friday night. Shea ended up with a grounding and mononucleosis out of that little escapade. Anyway, this girl tells her mother to STFU and to go to hell, and the mom just takes it and gives the girl no consequences for her actions. I cannot understand parenting like that. I just can't.

You have almost exactly the same situation I do. My son has a friend whose parents are the exact same way.

It's so friggin hard because this is my son's BEST friend. They want to be together all the time. I have that kid here a lot despite his smell, despite his parents, because at least here I can WATCH them. heh.

I talk to my son all the time about where this kid is headed...trouble. How kids who raise themselves typically have boundary issues and get involved in all kinds of things. He understands, but sometimes all he sees is what this kid can do that he can not do.

Last night the kid stayed here. I told them lights out and in bed at midnight. This morning my son told me they didn't go to bed until 2...so now he's grounded. And his friend walks away unscathed.

Frustrating.

starkers

on Aug 27, 2006

Last night the kid stayed here. I told them lights out and in bed at midnight. This morning my son told me they didn't go to bed until 2...so now he's grounded. And his friend walks away unscathed.

That's where you impose the penalty on your son's friend as well....don't just ground your son, make his friend unwelcome until he learns his lesson, obeys your rules and sincerely apologises for delibertately ignoring your wishes. They may not like the explanation, but it's your house, your right and responsibility to make the rules...and if they don't like it, tough titties.

Lantec

on Aug 27, 2006

It's so friggin hard because this is my son's BEST friend.

I had this problem several years ago. I stopped all contact possible. It was hard at first. The other boy had become such a bad influence I had Richard's class changed to keep them apart at school and I would go and sit at the skating rink/movie theater to make sure they were kept seperate then. There were times Richard was "penalized" because there was a group thing going that I knew the other boy would be at, but sometimes life's not fair (they need to learn that too). 2 years later the other boy was held back, due to being expelled, so that fixed the school problem and as time went on my son came to think of him as a "jerk" too.

He's made other friends and they, at least, have the good sense not to misbehave at my house. If he gets in any trouble with one of them there's always a call to their parents and discussion of "mutual punishment". If I'm not satisfied that they will be addressing the problem on their end while I address it on mine then there will be a ban on the child at my house. Since this seems to be the place they all come to play (I have built a BMX course in the back yard), I haven't had to do this but once and that boy and his brother came to my wife and apologized within a week.

I hope I don't sound like a hard ass cause I'm not. I prefer to remark and/or reward good behavior. I make sure that the rules are clear and try to anticipate any "loop holes". I always address things when they happen instead of putting them off even if it's inconvenient. I try to set the example and require no more than I can do myself. I'm 43 and I still say Yes Sir/Mam & No Sir/Mam to other adults out of respect and so does my son.

BlueDev

on Aug 27, 2006

Snoop strong. I know I will do the same.

foreverserenity

on Aug 28, 2006

I too think it's good that you do. I do it sometimes. I have to make sure my kids are handling things the way I've taught them, and that there isn't anything that I have to worry about.

I don't listen in on conversations between my oldest and her friend. I usually hear anything new or unusual from my daughter. She likes coming to me and asking questions and telling me things. I'm glad she keeps that door open.

I heard a case once a long time ago where a mom got in trouble for snooping. I thought at the time that it was just a crock of shit that they were charging her for doing that.

ParaTed2k

on Aug 28, 2006

Aparently I'm voting with the majority on this one. It's not snooping, it's parenting. You and Shea have such a good relationship, you are respectful of each other and, while she may not like some of the house rules, so far she seems as willing to go along with them as any teenager is. After my oldest left for college, me and him talked, I told him that he "got in all the right kind of trouble" when he was growing up. Of course kids are going to break rules at times.. as good as my kids have been, I'd be worried about them if they didn't push here and there. I'd be afraid that they were merely parroting their parents' opinions and personalities without bothering to let their own come out around us. I'd hate to think of my kids like that... afraid to let us know when they disagree with us. Even on the rules of the home. Actually, I'm glad there are parents out there who let their kids get away with everything, it's sad for the kids, but they make great examples of why house rules, standards and respect are important. "Why don't you trust me!" Is usually yelled by kids as a weapon. The kids whose parents can trust them, rarely have to resort to even saying it, much less wielding it. I like the Army "Trust But Verify". When I was an NCO, when I checked the asmuth and elevation numbers on the gun during a fire mission, it wasn't because I didn't trust my gunner and assistant gunner when they read off the numbers and yelled, "SET"... it was me merely doing my job... as the one who's ultimately responsible for those numbers being correct and the projectile hitting the target. As parents, we are ultimately responsible for our kids. It is the piss poor parent who mistakes "trust" with laziness. You, my friend, are not a piss poor parent.

starkers

on Aug 28, 2006

heard a case once a long time ago where a mom got in trouble for snooping. I thought at the time that it was just a crock of shit that they were charging her for doing that.

That's minor compared to what happened to me.....I was charged with kidnapping and unlawful deprivation of liberty for locking in my 15 yo stepdaughter to stop her taking off to have sex in the back seat of a 28 yo man's car. Now how ridiculous is that, the authorities tell us we must be responsible for our children, and when we do our best to protect them, we're threatened with punitive measures.

Fortunately the charges were dropped after several hours of being detained by police, but the cops and Dep't of Family Destruction have warned both my wife and myself not to intervene in our daughter's life/decisions now she has reached 16, lest they reinstate the original charges and others under the Child & Families Act.

This girl is not of age to purchase alcohol or cigarettes, she can neither vote or serve her country, yet these imbeciles consider her of age to make harmful life decisions that can and will have the impact of destroying her life. She has been pregnant and miscarried twice this year, yet the Dep't of Family Destuction still allows her to 'self select' without supervision, checks or balances.

You, my friend, are not a piss poor parent.

Neither am I or my wife....but the Gov't of Tasmania and its Dep't of Family Destruction has rendered us piss poor, powerless and ineffectual by excluding us from decision making regarding a child we've raised yet they barely know and have relatively little interest in.

This saga began in Nov 05 and has deteriorated well beyond sanity, so if anyone can put rhyme, reason or logic to it, please enlighten me because I can only see sheer madness on the part of the authorities.

As one Opposition Parliamentarian put it, some kids will fall through the cracks, but with this gov't recently amending the Child Protection Act. they've created bloody great holes and provided kids with clear instructions on how to jump in boots n' all. Given our experiences with them, truer words were never spoken.

Granted, the internet is fraught with perils and unsavoury content, etc, but when you have a gov't such as ours, dismantling the very fabric of families and society, the greater danger lies within piss poor attitudes of the very people we elected to protect us....our greatest assets, being our children.

Tova7

on Aug 28, 2006

hope I don't sound like a hard ass cause I'm not.

Nah, not at all. You sound like an awesome parent with some great advice. Thank you.

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