You're gone again. Just for a few days this time, but it's given me a taste of what it's going to be like the next time you deploy.
I don't like it when you're gone. I wander the house listlessly, looking for something to grab and keep my attention so I can take my mind off you for a few seconds. It never works, I can never find anything that occupies me for long enough. My attention always wanders and before I know it I'm deep into daydreams and thoughts of you.
Today I've been thinking about last night, about how you snuggled close to me and held me hand as you fell asleep. I'm remembering how you looked when you were sleeping, how cute you were when you were all dozy and befuddled when I woke you so you would roll over and not snore quite so loud. You slurred something about being sorry and then slid right back into your dreams again.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it's true. When you're gone, it hurts me to think of the times when we are nasty to each other and say things in anger that we really don't mean. So, I try to focus on the good times and sometimes I end up idealizing you. I make you the perfect partner, the one who always remembers to tell me I look nice, who notices when I've had my hair cut and who never gets angry with me for something I've said or done.
The thing is, the idealized version of you isn't perfect. I might think it is for a while, but it's not. Not in the long run. See, the idealized you that I create has no depth to their personality. He's not wonderfully complex and intricately formed. He bores me.
The real you, however, doesn't bore me. Ever. There's always something to learn about you, y'know. You constantly surprise and even amaze me with you character and your depth, and you always have something to say about anything. You don't bore me, you're not stagnant and dull. I LOVE that.
You don't have to worry that I'll be disappointed when the real you comes back. I'm anticipating that - the only way I'd be disappointed is if you had changed into the perfect you whilst you were gone. I hope that never happens. Don't ever change into him, please? Don't ever try to be what you think is my idea of perfect.
You're already perfect just the way you are.