My dad's been gone a week today. A lot's happened....

I feel much different this week than I did last week.  Sunday, Monday and Tuesday last week are somewhat of a blur still.  All I can remember doing is crying, sometimes uncontrollably.  I would go and sit on the floor by the side of my bed and just sob until I didn't have any tears left. 

At first, I was crying selfish tears - selfish because I wanted him back.  I just wanted my dad, I wanted him to not be dead and not be gone.  Now, though....things have changed.  I still cry, but I'm crying for a different reason.  They're no longer selfish tears, they're tears that say "I'm sorry that you're gone, but I'm glad that you were here, that I was your daughter, and that you're not in any pain anymore.  I'll miss you....and I'll never forget you'. 

I had to take all of my photos of him down last Sunday.  I couldn't look at them, it hurt too much.  They're all back up now.  I can look at them without getting hysterical, and I can even manage a smile.

I had to go fill some prescriptions at Wal-Mart this morning, and whilst I was waiting for them to be ready, I wandered down to the garden department.  Because I can't be home for the cremation service, I've decided that I would plant a rose for dad in my yard and place a little marker next to it (when we move I'm going to dig it up and take it with us).  His favorite rose is called 'Peace'; it's a yellow flower with a pink-tinge to the edge of the petals, and it smells wonderful.  I looked at all the roses in the garden department and didn't see a 'Peace' among them so I figured I'd be going home disappointed and empty handed.  As I was walking away, I caught sight of a rose bush in amongst the bamboo and cacti - not where it was supposed to me.  It had one perfect pale yellow bloom on it, and as I got closer I could see the pink at the edges of the petals.  It was the last 'Peace' they had, and I decided that I didn't care how much it cost I was going to get it.  As it turned out, it was on clearance and I ended up paying $3.50 for it.  I'm trying to decide whether to plant it in the garden or get a large container and put it in that - that way I won't have to dig it up when we move and I'll also be able to move it into the shed when winter comes to reduce the chance of it getting killed off by the frost.

Mum is determined to come and see us on vacation next year.  I'm already excited about that.  I think - no, I KNOW - that dad would want her to come.  If he hadn't been so ill and unable to fly, let alone get medical insurance coverage, he'd have been to see us years ago.  My brother comes to the US on business a lot, so he's going to accompany mum on the transatlantic flight and help her get the connecting flight to St Louis, and she's coming for at least a week, probably 2 or 3.  I can't wait....I want to see her, and I also want to show her around here.  We're going to go up the Arch, to the Zoo, to a couple of the riverboat casinos, to see Abraham Lincoln's birthplace....and I really want to have her accompany me on a flying lesson and maybe even fly the plane herself.  She says that she doesn't care where we go or what we do, that she's coming to see US, not necessarily the sights, and I feel the same way, but.....I really want to show her the best possible time I can whilst she's here. 

My brother and sister-in-law have been really ever so good to mum the past week.  She's been staying with them and Kevin's told them that she doesn't have to go home until she's ready.  He's also been helping her take care of the formal stuff like getting the death certificate and filing the life insurance claim, and she's taken to calling him "my financial advisor".  I've spoken to her every day...I can't do much else right now, so talking to her and letting her talk to me is about all I CAN do.

I ordered flowers for dad's service on Friday.  I about drove myself crazy looking at arrangements - there were sprays, half sprays, wreaths, posies, baskets, letters, crosses, hearts, cushions.....there were hundreds to choose from, but I couldn't find a single one that I really liked.  I was about ready to give up and tell my brother I was going to wire him $200 and to get what he thought was appropriate, and then I saw something that brought a tear to my eye and knew immediately that was what I was sending.  5 roses, wrapped in aspidistra leaves and hand tied with raffia.  Simple, elegant, and more importantly, meaningful.  It's a rose from each of us, y'see.  To me, those 5 roses mean more and are far better than any gargantuan display, and more importantly, dad would have liked them.  He never was one for fussy, busy flower displays.  I know he'd have not only liked the flowers, but he'd have loved the meaning behind them too.

My brother is coming to St Louis at the end of September, and is coming bearing a package of the things that dad wanted Dave and I to have.   I dunno what he left for me, but I do know what he left for Dave: 'The Complete Angler' and 'Fly Fishing by J.R. Hartley'.  When Dave and I got engaged and were first married he and dad got to know each other on a series of fishing trips.  They'd come back, sunburned and laughing, with a cooler full of trout that dad cleaned and mum and I cooked for that evening's supper.  Dave's been holding his emotions about dad's death at arms length - I had a heck of a time getting him to talk to mum this week and any time I've said anything about dad being proud of him Dave's just clammed up and said that he doesn't want to talk about it - but I do know that he's going to feel honored and touched that dad thought enough of him to want him to have those books.

The visit with the Chaplain on Thursday went so well that I've promised I'll go back and talk to him again in a couple of weeks.  He was really great; we had a good theological discussion and he said that he was impressed with my knowledge about Christianity and Gnosticism.  He also opened my eyes and made me realize something:  just because a person talks about how many books they've read about the bible, just because they say they've studied it for years and years and they go on about how they and their family keep themselves holy and live their lives in a manner that god finds pleasing.....it does NOT mean that they know god any better or are any more favored by him than the average joe/jill who tries to live by the Golden Rule and who goes about their business quietly and without fanfare.  He's right.  I'm not intimidated by people like that, I just allow my view of Christianity as a whole to be tainted by them and their noise, and that's not fair.  He said that those kind of people sometimes do more harm than good to the church - and I agree with him.  They sure as heck don't make ME want to return to the fold, so I can only imagine how they make other people feel.

We're going to the pool this afternoon.  It's been over a week since we went the last time....I didn't really feel like socializing this past week, and I'm not really sure that I feel like it today.  However, my dad wouldn't want me to shut myself away and dwell on things.  He wouldn't want me to be miserable all the time; he'd want me to move on and be happy....he'd want me to make him proud.

That's exactly what I intend to do.