How can I not try?

Published on June 20, 2006 By dharmagrl In Personal Relationships

We talked last night. Dave and I took the dogs for a walk and we talked about 'us' and what we're going to do.

He's probably going to deploy later this year. To a much more dangerous place than last time. I don't want to have him leave and have 'us' not be okay, and I told him as much.

"I think we'll be okay. By then, I mean" he said.

I'm impressed by his confidence.

Sunday night, whilst it wasn't pleasant, enabled us both to release a lot of pent up feelings and frustrations. He's on leave the rest of this week, which is going to give us a lot of time together to work through all the things that were said. It's sometimes painful stuff.....and it's not just painful for me, there are some things that I'm going to have to tell him that he may find hurtful too. However, it's necessary. In order for 'us' to be okay, these things have to be addressed.

I said earlier that I wanted us to get one of those pill holders that you can get at the drugstore, the steel kind that people with angina keep their sub-lingual meds in. They're watertight and durable....I wanted to get one for each of us and have a lock of each other's hair in it and a little note rolled up inside. As we were in our bedroom changing out of damp pool clothes, I asked him if he'd wear it, and he said "sometimes". It kind of disappointed me and I wasn't going to say anything more about it because I knew it would just make me cry. When I walked into the living room, he asked me "so, when do you want to go get those things?" and I had to ask him what he meant.

He meant the pill holders for the hair and the notes.

He wants to go and get them tonight.

So, when I'm done writing this, we're going to walk the dogs and then go to the drug store and get two of them for us to wear.

Sometimes he really surprises me with his words or his actions. I guess those are the times that he's really trying, huh?

I hope that he sees the same things coming from me.

I hope that he knows I'm trying too.

How can I not try? How can I throw away all this work and these years?

I can't.

Comments

Locamama

on Jun 20, 2006

I'm so glad. At least, he's willing to work on it. I hope you guys are able to build a happy, fulfilling relationship. Don't give up without fighting for it. BTW, the necklaces are sweet.

Moderateman

on Jun 20, 2006

dats my goil, never give up! never surrender, never say die!

{{{{{{karen}}}}

MasonM

on Jun 20, 2006

Just remember, he's a guy. We don't always think in the same frame of reference. Doesn't mean we don't care. We're just dumb that way.

Glad you two are working on it though. That's what really counts.

island_gurl12

on Jun 21, 2006

He sounds like he's not ready to give up on you

I really really hope it works out for you guys, you deserve to be happy Karen. Keeping you in my thoughts...
xoxox

Dr Guy

on Jun 21, 2006

Doesn't mean we don't care. We're just dumb that way.

Exactly! Well said Mason. Guys can be very obtuse at times. It is good to see you talking. Sometimes men need to have it spelled out for them.

Tova7

on Jun 21, 2006

For a long time I wanted my husband to "care enough" to look for things that please me. After all I was that way with him. I'd say things like "you don't even know who I am" when he'd do something or say something I believed HE KNEW WOULD BE ALL WRONG.

But men aren't always made that way. And once I got over myself and stopped caring about having to "prompt" him to get me a gift, or remember a special day..things got better. He wasn't constantly feeling like a bad husband and I wasn't let down because he "forgot" or didn't do something I expected.

Now almost twenty years later I can say I only have to "remind" him about things occasionally....it took years of prompting but now he has it down pat.hhahahaha'

Whenever we hear that song "You don't even know who I am" (the country one) we laugh and laugh because it was what I used to say when I was so self involved. OF course he couldn't know who I was when I wasn't always entirely sure of that myself and constantly changing. heh (Hope I never stop changing as far as that goes!)

Anyway, the hair pill case thing. My husband would never do that. But I wouldn't think he didn't love me because of it. He married me, he supports our family, he is a great dad and friend to me, anything less than that, well probably isn't a big deal.

I do think men and women see marriage different in one major way. Often women want constant reassurance in the form of thoughtful acts of their husbands love. Husbands (at least mine) think I married her, I work and support our family, I love her. The big ones are handled! All that other little stuff, is just that....little to THEM.

In my experience, most men don't really get the hang of the little stuff for a looooooooong time, if ever. At least some of the men in my family.

So once I learned not to take it personally, things got better and better.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Tova7

on Jun 21, 2006

Just remember, he's a guy. We don't always think in the same frame of reference. Doesn't mean we don't care. We're just dumb that way.

Yeah this is it exactly!

It's not dumb Mason, just different.

Chaos Manager

on Jun 21, 2006

My wife and I were sitting through a Gary Smalley seminar on Marriage Enrichment. One of the guys in the audience was listening to his wife grumble about how she wished her husband had read the marriage instruction book. He turned to her and responded, "Instructions? There were instructions?" Dr. Smalley's response (once he stopped laughing) was "Yes, there are instructions for marriage. They're sitting right there." (points to the wife).

Over the years, through a series of rather bumbling attempts, I've managed to pick up on most of the cues my wife throws off for things not going the way she thinks they should. Sometimes, I pay attention, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I miss the clues entirely and seems like the whole world is getting ready to land on my head...

Once I realized all of this (it involved a cast iron skillet, my skull and a trip to the ER), our marriage has smoothed out.

So, I'll agree with Mason: We do care, but we may be completely oblivious due to a different frame of reference.

I think it's an encouraging sign that he wanted to get the cases that same day. I think he picked up that hint that it was something that would be important to you.

I've got a simple silver band (smaller than my wedding ring) that my wife wove a lock of her hair around. It's attached a silver chain. While I don't necessarily wear it every day (or even most weeks), it is something that is near by (it stays in my computer bag) constantly. When I'm on business trips, I'll pull it out and set it on the table near the bed or the laptop. I use it as a visual reminder to myself of the wife and family back home. It also has such an emotional attachment for me that the act of looking at it (or simply holding it) will trigger memories of my wife. Her smile, her laugh, the sight of her sleeping with the moonlight playing across her hair.

He may not mention it (I've not mentioned any of that to my wife) but, since he brought it up again, he is willing to let this work the same way.

It's a small step, Karen. It *IS* a step. Every little baby step is that much less distance to cover.

Y'all keep it up. You and Dave will be in my prayers.

dharmagrl

on Jun 21, 2006

dats my goil, never give up! never surrender, never say die!

Me, give up!?! Nevah!

I hope you guys are able to build a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Me too.....and I wish the same thing for you.

We don't always think in the same frame of reference

I know, and I'm trying to bear that in mind when I have to talk to him about something.

He sounds like he's not ready to give up on you

And I'm not ready to give up on him....

Sometimes men need to have it spelled out for them.

I have a feeling that we're both going to have to spell things out for each other in the next few weeks.

I'd say things like "you don't even know who I am" when he'd do something or say something I believed HE KNEW WOULD BE ALL WRONG.

But men aren't always made that way. And once I got over myself and stopped caring about having to "prompt" him to get me a gift, or remember a special day..things got better. He wasn't constantly feeling like a bad husband and I wasn't let down because he "forgot" or didn't do something I expected

I've tried that. I've tried not prompting him. It doesn't work.

I know that he gives a fuck because when he DOES do something, he does it well. I just wish I didn't have to prompt him.

I'm not self absorbed; I realize this marriage isn't all about me. I would simply like some respect and some consideration, and until a couple of days ago, I got very little.

I've got a simple silver band (smaller than my wedding ring) that my wife wove a lock of her hair around. It's attached a silver chain. While I don't necessarily wear it every day (or even most weeks), it is something that is near by (it stays in my computer bag) constantly. When I'm on business trips, I'll pull it out and set it on the table near the bed or the laptop. I use it as a visual reminder to myself of the wife and family back home. It also has such an emotional attachment for me that the act of looking at it (or simply holding it) will trigger memories of my wife. Her smile, her laugh, the sight of her sleeping with the moonlight playing across her hair.

That was beautiful, and thank you for telling me about it. That's what I hope he will do with the tokens we're exchanging. I DID notice that he agreed to go right away and do it; he realized it was important to me and he made sure to not blow it off - and that made me VERY happy.

Thank you all very much for you advice......it makes me glad to know that so may of you are thinking and praying for Dave and I.

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