Chemicals and sunburned bums

Published on May 30, 2006 By dharmagrl In Misc

This morning I went to the funeral of the patient I sat vigilance for 3 days with last week. She had a beautiful casket and beautiful flowers and was wearing a beautiful outfit in her favorite color, but.....

...she smelled. As I stood by the casket I could smell the distinctive chemical smell of formaldehyde. I touched her cold, hard, waxy hand and was instantly aware of how different it felt, how it was un-natural and cold compared to the warm, living hand I held last week. As I looked at her, I could see the work that the mortician had done...the cups over her eyes to make her lids look 'natural' and not sunken in and dead, the stitches behind her lips that held her mouth closed... I don't know if it was just my knowing what to look for or the mortician's crappy work, but to me it was obvious that she'd been worked on. It was hard to believe that less than a week ago she had been talking to me about her husband and saying how nice it would be to have me sit with her.

I bowed out of the graveside service. To me, it's an intensly personal and private thing, and I didn't feel like I should be there.

This morning reinforced my decision to NOT have a visitation after I'm dead. If ever there was any doubt about my wanting a green burial, this morning removed all of them. ALL of them. I don't want people peering at me, I don't want a mortician pickling me, I don't want makeup and huge metal caskets...I don't want any of that. I want a simple service. I'm not saying that I don't want anyone to come, I'm just saying that I don't want to be poked and prodded, I don't want people to say that I look 'good', I want people to come and sit with my meat overcoat and tell stories about their experiences with me and generally celebrate my life, rather than mourn my death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This afternoon, after I had come home from the funeral, I took the kids to the pool. It was hot, but overcast and the kids moaned that it wasn't necessary to apply sunblock. I said that we had to anyway, and went to liberally applying SPF30 to their arms and legs and backs and shoulders and ears and noses. After I got done coating them, they went and dove into the water....leaving me to apply my sunblock on my own.

I thought that I had done well. Until this evening, that is.

Whist I was cooking supper, my bum started to feel a little sore and hot. I retreated to the bathboom, dropped trou, and was startled to find that I hadn't done as good a job as I had hoped on my rear and that I had indeed sunburned my bum. It's virgin skin, see. The bikini I wore last year is cut differently than this one, and I had exposed skin that isn't used to the sun. In fact, I don't think this skin has EVER seen the sun (well, perhaps when I was small and used to run around the yard naked, but that was 35 years ago).

So, I have a red and white ass, and I'm still trying to get rid of the remnants of last week's death. It was hard, y'all. Really pretty rough. Two people here at JU know how rough it was, and I'm about to let a thrid in on it. Talking about it is helpful....if I can say 'this is how I felt when this happened' and have someone else validate that by saying 'yeah, I know what you mean' or 'I'd have done/felt the same thing'....well, that makes me feel ....normal. Human. Because, to be honest, getting involved with sick and dying people isn't a 'normal' thing to do, is it?

Someone who means a hell of a lot to me managed to break through my tears in the aftermath of last weeks happenings by asking me a simple question:

"Did you make a difference?"

I didn't even pause with my answer:

"YES"

That's what I'm there for. That's why I sit with people who are dying, why I get emotionally and personally involved with people who have a limitied amount of time left to live. That's why I let myself get hurt by their passing, why I mourn them and shed tears over them.

Because my presence or words or actions made a difference.

I made a difference. I make a difference.

That's why I do it.

But I still hate the smell of formaldehyde and my ass is sore.

Comments

Locamama

on May 30, 2006

I don't know about not having a showing. When my dad died, it did help me to have closure. It made it real and I needed to see him, not a closed casket with a picture of him on it. Maybe that's just because I didn't live in the same place as him and only saw him once when he was sick. I really almost wussed out on the whole funeral. I'm glad that I went though. I just really had a hard time with it. I still do actually. It's hard when think of all the unsaid, undone things in such an important relationship. I try to tell myself that even if I didn't say it, he knew but I wish the words were said.

I think maybe the way to go is to not be embalmed just have an immediate showing within a day or death and then a quick burial. That's what I'm thinking for myself anyway.

And you definately do make a difference. I am sure you are a huge blessing to the patient and their family.

Hey and it isn't all bad, now you have and excuse to ask your hubby to rub aloe gel on your bum. I wish you fast healing.

Trudygolightly

on May 30, 2006

That's what I don't get about death, we're here for eons, talking, laughing, going about our daily business of living and then, ZAP! It's all taken away. No more "tomorrows" to get something done, no more things to plan for, no more hugs, no more chances to "fix something" or repair damaged relationships. It's over.

I hate that. When I think about death, sadness hits me like a tidal wave and it's hard to breathe.

That's why you're so needed, some of us just don't have anyone, and those that do have someone, well maybe their "someone" can't cope with a hospice. Seems selfish, yet some get sick if they have to visit someone in a hospital, so a hospice would really do a number on them.

If I could choose someone to be with me at the end, I'd hope for you to be that person.

AND, for the record, I want a "green" burial too, just would like a memorial service before the burial.

Sorry for the burned bums! got aloe?

island_gurl12

on May 30, 2006

But I still hate the smell of formaldehyde and my ass is sore.

Sorry but i couldnt help and laugh out loud at this one

Sorry about your sunburn though, I know just too well how it hurts!

Try and moisturize the sunburnt part as much as possible, Aloe Vera does wonders so any cream that has it should do the trick.

dharmagrl

on May 31, 2006

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. They're the first step in a long process of grief and ultimately, closure, for most people....but I find it curious that most Americans want to be embalmed and have an open casket viewing. Bodies are supposed to decay when they're put in the ground; they're supposed to enter the food chain again, not lay there pickled in a casket that's not bio-degradable, in a concrete grave liner that prevents the natural breakdown occuring. You can dig up an embalmed body 20 years after burial and it will basically look the same as it did when it was first buried. I don't want that, and that's why I've chosen to NOT be embalmed or messed around with. I don't mind having an old fashioned wake, where I'm laid in my cardboard casket and people come by to have a drink and remember me before I'm planted....but I don't want to be stitched or glued or otherwise modified by a mortician.

I'm glad that you went to your father's funeral, and I can tell you with no doubt in my mind that even though you never actually spoke those words to him before he died he knows what you wanted to say. Being with people when they die has removed any doubt that I had about life after death. I still don't believe in the christian heaven, but I do believe that there's another kind of existence after our bodies have worn out or otherwise betrayed us here on this earth.

I think maybe the way to go is to not be embalmed just have an immediate showing within a day or death and then a quick burial. That's what I'm thinking for myself anyway.

That's what I'm thinking too. I'd prefer it to be a private viewing, in my home if at all possible. I just don't want to be in a funeral home.

Yep. Life can be fragile, Trudy. It can be gone in an instant. Us humans think that we're going to live forever; our society has done such a good job of shoving death into a dark corner that we no longer talk about it in polite society or even think about it most days. I get called 'morbid' pretty regularly once people find out what I'm doing with hospice care, but I don't think I'm morbid at all....I think I'm realistic. Working with people who are terminally ill has given me such fulfillment and joy - I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's made me acutely aware of my own mortality.

AND, for the record, I want a "green" burial too, just would like a memorial service before the burial

Awesome!! That's really great!!

For the record, your saying that if you had a choice you'd have me there at the end of your life is the biggest compliment you could ever have given me, and I want to thank you for it. I also want to tell you that if you still feel that way when you come to the end of your days it can be arraged for me to come be with you....and I would be honored to be there.

Try and moisturize the sunburnt part as much as possible, Aloe Vera does wonders so any cream that has it should do the trick

I've got some aloe gel with a little local anasthetic in it that I keep in the fridge - I've been applying that liberally and it's helping. I always moisturize when I get out of the shower or bath anyway, so hopefully the gel and my regular moisturizer will do the trick and it'll fade into a tan!

JillUser

on May 31, 2006

Sorry about the sore bum K. I don't tan so I am very familiar with the feeling of frying flesh. It is amazing how you keep on cooking! I'm jealous that your burns turn tan. Brad's do too but I just peel and then am either seriously freckled or back to white.

I totally hear ya about not wanting to be monkeyed with post mortem. The first funeral I ever attended was that of a dear great aunt and I was freaked out because it didn't look at all like her. They did her hair and makeup totally unlike she had ever worn alive and she looked totally waxy.

I am with the crowd that prefers to see the loved one in order to accept the fact that they are gone. Depending on how you die, some amount of "work" may be required to make the deceased look presentable in any way. I am for whatever my loved ones need in order to make my leaving easier to deal with. It really won't matter to me at that point.

Dr Guy

on May 31, 2006

Death is not for the dead. It is for the living to grieve. Funny that. But that is what it is all about. You can surely dictate your wishes. But keep in mind your loved ones when you do.

That is what a funeral is for. After the funeral? Toss my carcass in a landfill (I would prefer the sea, but whatever).

Life is for the living, grieving is for the living. Corpses are for the beyond. Let us live and learn until such time we no longer can. Then bless them (in whatever religion) and send them to the next cycle. Ashes do not go to heaven. But they do make good fertilizer.

Welcome Guest! Please take the time to register with us.
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:

Richer content, access to many features that are disabled for guests like commenting on the forums.
Access to a great community, with a massive database of many, many areas of interest.
Access to contests & subscription offers like exclusive emails.
It's simple, and FREE!