I spent this morning thinking about something that's been giving me a problem for a few weeks.

I'm Key Spouse for D's squadron.  I did it at our last base for 4 years, and really enjoyed it.  I was the only K.S. and shared the duties with the commader's wife - who was going to school full time, which meant that I ended up doing it solo.  It was a lot of fun and very rewarding.

Here at this squadron, though...it's a different ball of wax.  There are four of five women who want to share the KS duties, and the commander's wife is also very involved.  Don't get me wrong, they're all awesome chickies, and it's not that I don't like to share....I simply am not used to having to clear my decisions with 4 or 5 different people; I'm not used to having to call a meeting to get something done.

So, I've been thinking that perhaps I should bow gracefully out and just make myself available should they need some guidance.  This morning I was pushed further in that direction when I received an email frome the First Sgt telling me that the KS program will be revamped later this year and that we'll all have to do 12 hours training - and we won't be Key Spouses anymore, we'll be Phoenix's.

I still didn't know what to do.  I was talking it over with D when he came home from lunch, but we got interrupted by the phone ringing. 

It was the hospice volunteer co-ordinator - my boss.  She sent me an email last week asking if I was available to take on some more patients and I said that I would - so she was calling to let me know that she'd be willing to assign me 2 new patients if I was willing to take them on.

I said yes, and in doing so I realized that the decision to quit the KS program had really been made for me.  I can't give my patients the attention that they need AND be KS too, let alone being a Phoenix or whatever they've decided to call themselves. 

Over the past few weeks, I've found that whenever I've questioned my raison d'etre, the universe has answered me.  First, I questioned why I managed to live through an accident that by all rights should have been fatal - and an hour later, I got called to go sit vigilance with a dying person.  Then last week I responded to KFC's blog about her kid's car accident, and I said that I wasn't sure why I'm still here - and I got a call from the hospice asking me if I could help with another patient.  This morning, with the Key Spouse thing - I get another call and now I have 2 new patients.  I'm starting to feel like this hospice work is what I'm supposed to be doing - actually, I've felt like that for a while, but I feel now like the universe is reinforcing those feelings and thoughts and is reminding me that hospice work is where my focus should be.

It might sound very new-agey and uber spiritual to some of you, but to me (and even to my husband who's quite a skeptic about stuff like that) it's pretty clear. 

Hospice is where I'm supposed to be, and I'm incredibly happy about that.