Non-existence, a mental blacklist.

Published on March 26, 2006 By dharmagrl In Misc

We all have people we don't like. We're human, we all have different personalites; we're not all going to get along with each other.

On a scale of dislike people we know can rate from a 'can tolerate in small doese' all the way through to 'detest'. I'm relatively lucky; there aren't many people on the higher end of my scale...I 'detest' very few people.

How can that be? How can it be that out of all the people I know, I detest a few of them? I wish I could say that it was due to my sunny personality and high tolerance for stupidity and spite. Unfortunatly, that's not true (I can be decidedly gloomy and grouchy and I don't suffer fools gladly).

People I detest simply cease to be in my world. I make them not exist. No, I don't kill them - well, not physically, anyway. I do it mentally instead. I erase every remainder of their existence from my life, and I press on. I try to focus on other things, and eventually that person becomes an non-entity to me.

Occasionally, though, the person I had managed to erase slips back into my field of vision. Like a bad smell, their arrival is silent and it isn't until it's right under my nose that I realize they're there. Of course, I'm forced to pay attention to THEM, but....I don't take notice of what they're doing and saying. I don't hear their message. I shut my ears, and if I can help it, I don't even open what they've sent me. Opening and reading, or listening is just going to make them exist again, see, and I'm not prepared to let that happen - especially if I've worked particularly hard to make the person in question not exist.

There was a time when I didn't do this, this practice of making people not exist in my world. I used to get myself so wound up - I used to let the people who were high on my scale of dislike have all the power. They had the power to anger me, to scare me, to wound me mentally and emotionally. I would cry over their words and their actions; I'd be afraid to open my email account because of what I might find there and I wouldn't answer the phone unless I could see who was calling. I was a prisoner in my own life, and I hated it.

Now, though, things have changed. I've taken control; I've taken the power from the people I don't like (and who, in turn, dislike me) - I've repossessed it. This is MY life, MY world, and if I don't like someone I have the power to make them not exist. Granted, it's easier to do if you're not in close proximity to the person you don't like - but it's still possible. You may not be able to make the PERSON not exist, but you can sure make their PERSONA or attitude not exist and therefore not matter to you. I have a couple of people who I have to interact with occasionally who I've made non-existent; I just view them as walking sacks of flesh, spouting meaningless hot air. I don't let their words or their opinions exist in my world.

It's not always easy to do this, to make people you don't care for non-existent in your world - but it IS possible. It takes a little practice, but it IS possible to achieve a mental blacklist.

You should try it.....you might like it!

Comments

bakerstreet

on Mar 26, 2006

I force my mind to think of people I hate as happy acquaintences, and then deal with the parts of them that I detest as if I were dealing with the flaws of a friend. It isn't really all that hard with a bit of practice.

Note that I said acquaintences. I think the main problem we have socially now is that people are either strangers, enemies, or friends. I've tried to teach my little girl to discard all this Sesame Street silliness and learn to be acquainted with people without needing to adore or be adored by them.

With all due respect for your beliefs, I don't believe you really ever erase people, any more than someone can erase trauma, etc. Machiavelli has been a great friend to me over the years. If you can bring yourself to, you might give him a try.

We're all creatures of interest. We seek what is best for us, and in so doing we define ourselves. I have no doubt there are people I would simply refuse to be around, or that I would strangle if I had the chance, but so far I have been lucky enough to only meet one or two in my life in person.

I'm not making much sense, but I'm having a hard time summing it all up. Conflict doesn't bother me, because I see us, even our friends, as always being in some sort of conflict. Interests don't always line up neatly. Instead of seeing those conflicts ans inconvenient, I see them as part of the game of life, and take pleasure in seeing to my own interests.

To do it, though, I can't lose me soul by hating every one I feel at odds with. Instead of feeling as though I have to protect myself, I think of my self competing with happy acquaintences, even if they don't realize we are happy acquaintences.

If anything irritates people it is dealing with someone who lets their hate wash passed them and doesn't send it back, all the while STILL opposing them. My perspective is "I like you, and if we are at odds, and if possible, I'll crush you and still like you." Not liking me is the main flaw with most people I meet. I can overlook it, though. No one is perfect

dharmagrl

on Mar 26, 2006

I've tried to teach my little girl to discard all this Sesame Street silliness and learn to be acquainted with people without needing to adore or be adored by them.

That's very cool, and I tip my hat to you for it!

With all due respect for your beliefs, I don't believe you really ever erase people, any more than someone can erase trauma, etc. Machiavelli has been a great friend to me over the years. If you can bring yourself to, you might give him a try.

Machiavelli scares me. Not because of his tactics or advice, but because I can feel an affinity for him and I can quite easily see myself adopting his ways as my own. Machiavelli and Buddhism aren't cut out to be bedfellows, as you can well imagine. However, the older I get, the more I feel myself drifting away from Buddhism. It's great, but it just doesn't quite cut it, you know? It's not quite enough.

Interestingly enough, I have a cactus named Machiavelli (Mack for short).

Conflict doesn't bother me, because I see us, even our friends, as always being in some sort of conflict. Interests don't always line up neatly. Instead of seeing those conflicts ans inconvenient, I see them as part of the game of life, and take pleasure in seeing to my own interests.

Because we are human, we will have differences. Whilst we seek out people who are like ourselves, we also seek out people who are different than us - it keeps things interesting. Even if we are alike, we are still going to have a few views that will oppose or, as you say, not fit neatly into the little packages we have created for them (and ourselves).

I think that you have a fabulous way of looking at things, Baker, and the more I know about you, the more I like and and also (and more importantly) I'm starting to understand you. I'm not deluded enough to think that I KNOW you and how you work, I'm just saying I'm starting to see how you think and work. It's very interesting, btw.

If anything irritates people it is dealing with someone who lets their hate wash passed them and doesn't send it back, all the while STILL opposing them.

Haha....yeah, theres nothing as irritating as a person who just absorbs the nastiness you send at them without sending any back or getting aggrivated themselves. Takes the wind out of your sails a bit, so it does.

Not liking me is the main flaw with most people I meet. I can overlook it, though. No one is perfect

What? You're not perfect? Well, that blew my theroy right out of the water!

bakerstreet

on Mar 26, 2006

It's odd, but I have found that people who hate me when they first meet me end up being my friends, but people who are drawn to me generally end up hating me. That's why I differ with you on the erasing people. I've been surprised too many times. If you really do erase them, you might be losing something. If you can't erase them, you're leaving something unseen to fester.

Machiavelli isn't really all that bad. I would think he would be a lot more in line with Buddhism, than, say Christianity. The whole "selfless" thing is a problem, but Machiavelli would probably say that since your selflessness eventually achieves a goal, you're being selfless for selfish reasons

dharmagrl

on Mar 26, 2006

It's odd, but I have found that people who hate me when they first meet me end up being my friends, but people who are drawn to me generally end up hating me.

I don't erase people I don't know, though. I'm a sucker for giving second and third and fourth and fifth (I stop at a half dozen before I feel COMPLETELY used and foolish) chances - it takes either something heinous or there has to be a pattern of hateful behaviour for me to erase someone. That's why there aren't many people that get erased - heck, there aren't that many people on my 'don't like you' scale. Most of the people that are on there don't ever get above 'can tolerate in small doses' (you're not on there, btw. You were once, but you dropped off the scale pretty quick once I got to know you. Kind of proves your point, doesn't it?). It really takes effort to be erased, a person has to work at it for an extended period of time.

Machiavelli isn't really all that bad. I would think he would be a lot more in line with Buddhism, than, say Christianity. The whole "selfless" thing is a problem, but Machiavelli would probably say that since your selflessness eventually achieves a goal, you're being selfless for selfish reasons

You know, I've often wondered the same thing - whether being selfless so's enlightenment is attainable isn't really a selfish act. To be honest with you, Baker, I'm going through a bit of a change of late. Buddhism is. as I said, great, but it's just not enough. I have some ideas about life and death and where we come from that really don't (as far as I can see) jive with Buddhism OR Christianity OR any other major religion that I know of - and that's a problem too, because i catch myself trying to make my feelings and thoughts and beliefs into neat little boxes with labels on them, and that bothers me too. Fuck, this has gone totally off topic now - sorry, daddy-o! I'm going to have to write a separate article about all this crap. But yeah, I see what you mean about selflessness being selfish and I see it myself!

dynamaso

on Mar 26, 2006

I don't hate anybody, but I do hate, hate, HATE brussel sprouts. And I can't see any technique, Machivellian or otherwise, helping me get over my hate of those awful little vegetables.

Anyway, sorry about the digression. I don't hate anyone, but if someone rattles me, I just ignore them. Life is just too short, in my books, to spend energy hating someone else who might or might not be aware of your hate. A blacklist requires energy as well, and again, is not something I want to spend time on. If someone close to me does me wrong, I want to know why and endeavour to find out. If it is a stranger who earns my ire, then I can justify not hating them because I don't know them. I might have just caught them at a bad moment or a harried day. If it is a public figure, then my dislike of them is usually because of their office or whatever, not necessarily because of the person and their personal beliefs.

Sure, I understand that people hate one another. Some people do such nasty things to each other, I can understand why this occurs. I have been and am fortunate enough to not have anyone do anything to earn my hate, so far...

Dr Guy

on Mar 27, 2006

I don't hate anybody,

Being human, I have hated people on occassion. But then like Dharma realized, I realized they were dictating my life. So while I do not make them cease to exist, I just take away the hate and turn it into indifference. And then they have no power over my life. Hate is the same side of the coin as love. For both indicate a caring. Indifference is the opposite side of that coin as it removes caring, and leaves a nothingness that does not affect your life.

garsgolfer

on Mar 28, 2006

I don't hate, nor do I have a conscious blacklist because both require too much energy. Regardless of where their encountered, people with poor social skills stand out, with unattractive behaviors in tow they make it easy to pass on friendship. Every time I've went in opposition to my natural feeling, in some fashion or another I faced juvenile behavior, needy types or takers, all of which cause unnecessary conflict in the lives they touch, and for what ever the reason they feel that’s right….NOT.

On the other hand, I choose people for their engaging social skills and traits that stand out, such as open non-assumptive communication skills that naturally eases social difference. Their often givers to some extent, happy with life, smart, yet haven’t quit learning while enjoying life, making a worthy friend.

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