I'm adopted.  I was adopted as an infant - 9 weeks old, to be exact.

My mother's name was Veronica Howse, and I was born Karen Michelle Howse.  I know that Veronica had fair hair and blue eyes, was short (like me) and had total kidney failure at 23 weeks into her pregnancy with me.  She wasn't married to my dad, but he was in the process of getting a divorce and they (mum and dad) were hoping to be married at some point.

Apparently they found the decision to have me adopted somewhat difficult, which is why i was in foster care for so long.  Usually newborns are adopted before they're a month old, but my birth parents couldn't make up their minds so I was held in foster care until they could decide what they wanted to do.

I looked for my birth mother once before....when i was living in the UK I went and searched the death certificate section at the General Registry Office in London.  I had thought that given my mother's kidney problems she might be deceased, but I never found a death certificate for her.  I did find a marriage certificate for someone with the same name as her...this person married a David Lambert in 1972.

That's as far as I got in my search.  I've always questioned my motives for searching any further: I have a mum and a dad whom I love dearly.  My younger brother was adopted and I saw the hurt that his finding his birth parents caused mum and dad both...I didn't want to inflict that on them.

However, now I'm in my mid thirties I'm feeling the need to discover my heritage.  I have some questions about my family health history - I've already had one lump removed from my breast, I'd really like to know if there's a history of breast cancer in my family.  I also have messed up kidneys, as does my daughter....it would be really useful to know if my suspicions are correct and if our renal problems are a genetic trait.

The we get into the superficial and cosmetic reasons for wanting to find her.  Do I look like her?  What is my ethnicity?  Am I, as I suspect, Eastern European?  Or an I of teutonic descent?  Are we the same in our likes and dislikes?  Do we share the same talents and weaknesses? Do I have siblings?  There are so many questions.....

So, a while back I posted an ad on a free UK adoption site.  I got the usual 'i have found your birth mother, but it will cost you $500 for the information I have on her' email responses.  I didn't really hold out much hope for any 'real' information.

Until yesterday. I got an email from a woman who claimed to know my birth mother.  The email was pretty badly spelled, which caused me to believe that it wasn't an attempt to sell me info....but I responded with my standard 'please don't contact me again if all you're trying to do is sell me information'.  She emailed be back this morning and told me that she wasn't trying to sell me anything, that she really did know my birth mother and would be happy to contact her to see if her suspicions were correct.  I asked her to please do that.  I also asked her how she knew the person she's suspecting of being my birth mother.

So, I'm now on tenterhooks waiting for an email back from her.  Obviously I'm not going to take anything she says at face value...and if the person claiming to be my mother DOES contact me I have some questions for her about my birth that I haven't made public.  The only people who know these things are my adoptive (real) mum and dad, my husband and myself.  If she's really my birth mother, she'll know the answers.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up.  I'm trying not to think about what I'll do and say if this turns out to be my mother.....and what I'll do and say if it turns out to have been a wild goose chase.  I'm trying not to think about these things because I'm trying not to get my hopes up only to have the dashed.

This could change the way I look at everything....