Knitting. Yarn. Fiber artistry. More knitting. Nursing school. Hospice work. Death and the dying process. Phoenix Raven's. Knitting. Yarn. Oh, and Life As An Air Force Wife.
Published on June 24, 2005 By dharmagrl In Humor
   16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
   _  _   _  _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

16.  Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes.  Then she's yours.
--(Deuteronomy 21, v. 12-13)

15.  Find a prostitute and marry her.
--Hosea  (Hosea 1, v. 1)
 
14.  Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
his flock.
--Moses  (Exodus 2, v. 16, 17)
 
13.  Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
--Boaz (Ruth 4, v. 5)

12.  Go to a party and hide.  When the women come out to dance,
grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
--Benjaminites (Judges 21,v 20, 21)

11.  Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.  Note: this will
cost you a rib.
--Adam (Genesis 2, v 21, 22)

10.
       Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman.  Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.  That's right.
Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
--Jacob (Genesis 29, v. 20 - 30)

9.  Cut off the foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife.
--David (1 Samuel, v. 25, 26)

8.  Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone.  (It's all relative of course.)
--Cain (Genesis 4)

7.  Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
--Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)

6.  When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
"I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me."  If your parents question
your decision, simply say, "Get her for me.  She's the one for me."
--Samson (Judges 14, v.1-4)

5.  Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
--David (2 Samuel 11)

4.  Wait for your brother to die.  Take his widow.
(It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
--Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

3.  Don't be so picky.  Make for quality with quantity.
--Solomon (1 Kings 11, v. 3)

2.  A wife?...NOT!!!
--Paul (I Corinthians 7, v. 1)

1.  Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry
a whole bunch of people.
--Jesus (Revelation )

Comments (Page 1)
2 Pages1 2 
on Jun 24, 2005
*and off to the forums we go.....*
on Jun 24, 2005
Heh, while I found this article humorous and entertaining, I hope you don't get the usual response from any extremely Christian people.

That Deuteronomy verse contradicts Leviticus where one of the versus says if a woman cuts her hair she should never be allowed to visit a church.
on Jun 24, 2005

I hope you don't get the usual response from the extremely Christian people here.

I don't mind really.  What can they say?  That the bible doesn't say this stuff?  It does....and this isn't christian bashing, it's simply pointing out some of the quirky and unusual things the bible says.

on Jun 24, 2005
it's simply pointing out some of the quirky and unusual things the bible says.


If you started to do that you would be writing all day.
on Jun 24, 2005

If you started to do that you would be writing all day.

No shit, huh?!

Ok, better get started then....'In the beginning....'

Ok, I have a question already.  If God is one person, why, in Genesis, chapter 1, verse 26, does it say 'let US make them in OUR image'??

on Jun 24, 2005

Heh, while I found this article humorous and entertaining, I hope you don't get the usual response from any extremely Christian people.

Yeah, us "extremely Christian people" oughtta stay off the internet, huh?

on Jun 24, 2005
Yeah, us "extremely Christian people" oughtta stay off the internet, huh?


Aww, Gid! Don't be like that! I didn't say it, he did....and I'm always open to debate about thing's spiritual with you, you know that.
on Jun 24, 2005
Yeah, us "extremely Christian people" oughtta stay off the internet, huh?



You can do what you'd like, I really don't care. It actually provides some entertainment when there are extremely religious people on forums. I made an observation that I've noticed. Whenever anyone writes about religion with even a hint of cynicism or criticism it usually starts incredible arguments. The fact that I offended you fairly easily only supports my point.
on Jun 24, 2005
I didn't say it, he did....


That's why I made it a point to quote him...I thought your article was humourous and made a great point for debate...but felt he soiled it for using it as a personal platform to attack Christians.

Naw, I'm just stating a fact. Thanks for proving it.


I "proved" nothing. My response was, and is, to YOU, not dharma. It must suck to be a bigot, huh?
on Jun 24, 2005
but felt he soiled it for using it as a personal platform to attack Christians.


Everything now a days is an attack on Christians. You can't say anything about religion because it creates a huge backlash. Some of the closest people to me are Christians, I don't think I'm a bigot. To be quite honest if seeing reality is being a bigot than no it doesn't suck. Now you are going to get on your holier than thou bent and make me look like a villain for pointing out something that happens often. It's almost hypocritical how you point the finger and stereotype me as being a bigot for pointing out the obvious about stereotypes. You know what Dharma, I'm sorry I even said anything, I predicted someone would say something to me about my comment. Truth is I like your article and I did not want what I thought was going to happen to happen. I made myself the lightning rod though so if you want to keep my comments here feel free, but you can delete them if you want.
on Jun 24, 2005
enig,

No, you implied with your statement that as an "extremely Christian" person, I was incapable of an objective, rational thought. That IS bigotry, any way you slice it. While there are some "extremely Christian" people who would take offense to the article, the statement could be compared to someone commenting "I hope no blacks see this article" in regards to an article detailing the very real, race specific problems that exist in certain ghetto societies in America.

Dharma's piece WAS humorous, and I could point you to some equally humorous articles by "extremely Christian" people that are written in very much the same vein. Unfortunately, however, you've chosen to stereotype us, so I don't see the point.
on Jun 24, 2005
Very cute. My favorites:

8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
--Cain (Genesis 4)


4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
--Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)


1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry
a whole bunch of people.
--Jesus (Revelation )


Cool list...and I think most Christians will find it funny, too.
on Jun 24, 2005
It's bigotry because I'm pointing something that you agree with? Just like you said here:

. While there are some "extremely Christian" people who would take offense to the article


I didn't say I hope Christians don't see this,
"I hope no blacks see this article"
and if you think that maybe you jumped the gun. Maybe you should reread my statement, I said I hope you don't get the usual "response" which is a whole slew of comments denouncing this article as offensive and ignorant which I have seen happen many times here at joeuser.com. You can't equate what I said with I hope blacks don't see this, what are you kidding me? You're wasting my time. You're just going to keep repeating the same things like a broken record, I'm done.
on Jun 24, 2005

Ok, guys....cut it out.  This isn't the place to do this, and I'm not going to have any more of it.  I'm not going to ask you to kiss and make up, but I am telling you to stop it.

 

on Jun 29, 2005
I'm not real sure if you are trying to be funny or what, but I guess we all have our own oppinoin...
2 Pages1 2