How far can you go?

Published on April 5, 2005 By dharmagrl In Misc

How much can one person change before they lose sight of themselves completely?

I've changed, and I've changed for the wrong damn reasons. Some of the change has been for me....but most of it has been for someone else, because it's been easier to change than it has been to live with that person without changing (read that twice and it will make sense, trust me).

When he's here, I can't be myself. Not totally. It pisses him off. I piss him off. It's just easier to live with him and pretend to be someone else than it is to be myself and deal with his wrath/whining/unhappiness. See, he's pretty vocal and has a lot of endurance. That can be a drag. A real drag.

So, I hide myself in a shell that outwardly looks like me, but acts the way he wants me to. I imagine he does the same thing sometimes.

But anyway, back to my original question.....how much can a person change and still retain the essence of who they are? I mean, we all change in some ways; sometimes we may even be unrecognisable as our 'old' selves...but I still think that the essence, the spirit of who 'we' really are remains.

I'm losing myself. I dont like it. See, it took me until I was in my late twenties to really learn to like myself and what I was about, and I don't want to give that up. I really don't want to give 'me' up. I don't want to change anymore, I'll lose myself if I do and become a total fabrication. A walking shell....the lights are on but nobody's in. 'Me' won't be in there, it'll just be empty.

All this complaning makes me sound like I don't love him. That's not the case. Of course I do. I always will. But.....

...I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not, and I don't think that who I am now can make him happy. Not for the rest of his life, anyway. And, I don't think that I can pretend to be someone I'm not for the rest of my life either.

I can't not be ME, dig?

Comments (Page 2)

MasonM

on Apr 05, 2005

Perhaps it isn't so much a question of "being someone different" as it is in learning to express who you are in a different manner.

Interacting with others requires us to choose and moderate how we express ourselves. It doesn't mean we have to be someone different, just perhaps find a way to express who we are in a way that isn't perceived in a negative light by others.

The only difference between the artist selling paintings in a gallery and the one painting on the sides of private buildings is the manner in which they express their artistic personality. One is viewed as acceptable, and one isn't.

Now if it's a matter of changing one's views or thoughts, that's another kettle of fish. You can't be expected to do this by any reasonable person, but again expression must be considered.

Does this make any sense? Or is it way off target?

dharmagrl

on Apr 05, 2005

Now if it's a matter of changing one's views or thoughts, that's another kettle of fish. You can't be expected to do this by any reasonable person, but again expression must be considered.

Yes, this made sense. All of y'all have made sense in one way or another.

I am expected to change my thoughts, not my expressions. At least, that's the way it seems and feels. As long as what I'm doing is 'officially sanctioned' I'm good. But, if it's not........well, then I'm going to hear about it. On a daily basis. For weeks. Sometimes for months.

I'm so fucking torn it's unreal.

The rest I'll leave for tomorrow.

Spc Nobody Special

on Apr 05, 2005

As long as what I'm doing is 'officially sanctioned' I'm good. But if it's not........well, then I'm going to hear about it.

Big, big-time ouch. Been there, done that...both the giving and recieving ends. It passed.....mostly, but still, ouch.

dynamaso

on Apr 05, 2005

How much can one person change before they lose sight of themselves completely?

This is probably the most important question a thinking person can ask themselves, in my books. The answer I would tender is we can change as much as we desire and so long as we have an awareness of these changes, we will never lose sight of ourselves.

it's been easier to change than it has been to live with that person without changing

I think a lot of us have been in this position before. In my latest post, I make a point about when we're young, we do things thinking it will make us happy but, in a lot of cases, it actually does the opposite. Going against one true self is always damaging. I think true change should occur naturally, kinda like the seasons change. It happens so subtly, we're hardly even aware of it until one day, we wake up and its Spring.

I really don't think you are losing yourself. I think in a lot of ways, you're probably becoming the real self you want to be.

it took me until I was in my late twenties to really learn to like myself and what I was about

Like you, I didn't really start getting to know who I was until my late twenties. Up until then, I think I was trying to be something I thought others wanted me to be. I wouldn't have changed for the world, but then events conspired to show me I was wrong. So I changed, for the better, I believe.

Maybe you should try to think of yourself as the 'uncarved block' or the Pu, if you like. There is nothing like having an empty canvas in front of you and a great array of colours to fill it up with. I think you are full of the colours you want to be, you just need to get painting.

I hope this made some sense to you.

dharmagrl

on Apr 05, 2005

Big, big-time ouch. Been there, done that...both the giving and recieving ends. It passed.....mostly, but still, ouch.

Yeah. That's been life in my shoes for a while now.

I really don't think you are losing yourself. I think in a lot of ways, you're probably becoming the real self you want to be.

Maso, I swear to fucking god you're living in my head.

think I was trying to be something I thought others wanted me to be.

Me too. I don't want to do that any more.

There is nothing like having an empty canvas in front of you and a great array of colours to fill it up with. I think you are full of the colours you want to be, you just need to get painting.

I think I'm picking up my brush, mate. And the colors are.......wonderful.

dynamaso

on Apr 05, 2005

Don't I know it. So get to painting. I can hardly wait to see what you come up with...

MasonM

on Apr 07, 2005

Just another thought

lack of change = stagnation = death

change is the true nature of the universe

Reiki-House

on Apr 07, 2005

"When he was back, I had to.....hide myself. Cover ME up, because he didn't like it. He's not interested in Buddhism. He's not interested in philosophy."
You mean your husband leaves for war or whatever and he comes back and you're all into Buddhism and philosophy, when you weren't when he left? If so, he must have has a marriage-type of culture shock. I'd be like "what? what the hell do you mean you're a buddhist now?". A guy likes to return to what he left, not what someone may consider 'new and improved'. Hang in there and make him see the light.

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