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Published on December 18, 2007 By dharmagrl In Blogging

Things came to a head in my house last night.  The argument that had been brewing for months finally came to the fore of our conversation - heh, like it was anything close to a conversation.  We haven't talked in years.

Apparently, his love for me is based on my doing what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it.  It's like I'm some kind of pet; like I'm on the same level as Gracie.  As long as I do what he says, it's all good.  If I deviate...well, then there are consequences.

I don't know why he doesn't love me unconditionally any more.  I don't know what happened to make that change.  I've given up years of my life, I've sacrificed for him and his career and I have changed parts of myself to make him happy.  It seems, however, that it's just not enough. 

I want to be loved for ME, not for what I do or don't do.  I want to be loved for myself, for my flaws as well as my assests.  I want to be loved totally and completely; I want someone to look forward to my coming home at the end of the day (or to look forward to coming home to me).  I want someone who will not only be proud of me when I succeed, but who will be there for me when I fail (and we all fail sometimes). 

I deserve better than this.

 


Comments (Page 1)
on Dec 18, 2007
A relationship has to be mutually beneficial to be successful. If one person feels like all they do is give and never gets anything in return (which sounds like your problem) then something has to change. Both of you need to feel loved and appreciated. Of course noone feels that way all of the time but if it is a case of never feeling that way, well, you already know it's a monumental problem.

I certainly hope you can get through to him and he can show the love you need.

~hugs~
on Dec 18, 2007
(((((K))))
on Dec 18, 2007
Damn.
on Dec 18, 2007

Of course noone feels that way all of the time but if it is a case of never feeling that way, well, you already know it's a monumental problem.

Exactly.  I don't expect things to be rosy all the time; that's not practical and it's not gonna happen.  I just deserve better than a pat on the head and a 'good girl; you did the dishes so I'll love you now!'.

I deserve WAY better than that.

I certainly hope you can get through to him and he can show the love you need.

I've tried every way I know how.  I'm on the verge of giving up.

 

(((((K))))

Ok, now I'm crying all over my keyboard!  Thank you, chickie - and I mean that honestly, not sarcastically.

on Dec 18, 2007

Damn.

Yeah.  I'm glad to 'see' you, Gene.  I'm still waiting for my phone to ring, btw.

on Dec 18, 2007
Damn is right.


((((((((K)))))))))
on Dec 18, 2007
(((((K))))
on Dec 18, 2007

Damn is right.


((((((((K)))))))))

Thank you.  I'm ok, really.  It'll all be fine; it was a good thing that all this came out.  Now I can begin to heal and decide what I want to do.  I'm not going to make any snap decisions, I'm going to take it slow and see what happens. 

(((((K))))

Thank you, too.  Like I said, I'll be ok.  If this is meant to be, it will be. 

 

 

on Dec 18, 2007
Sending hugs D. 
on Dec 18, 2007


Thinking of you...
on Dec 18, 2007

Sending love and hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))

 

on Dec 19, 2007
I'm still waiting for my phone to ring, btw.




on Dec 19, 2007

Sending hugs D.

Aww, thank you!

Thinking of you...

Thank you, too.  And thank you for the christmas card.  It's really something to see Santa on the beach in his shorts and undershirt!

 

Sending love and hugs

Thank you.

Gene Nash

Just so's you know, today is not a good day to call me.  I've had a cold all week and it's decided to settle in my larynx, leaving me pretty much voiceless.  I can whisper, but that's about it.

Just what I need.

on Dec 19, 2007
I can whisper, but that's about it.


When it rains it pours?

I think I just missed you on Yahoo.

on Dec 21, 2007

I think I just missed you on Yahoo

Yep, you did.  But we'll catch up later.  Or tomorrow.  Or sometime.  I gots all kinds of time now that I aint workin'.

Conundrums for you guys too, eh?

Yep.  Should I stay and give it another go, or should I leave?  I mean, I love him.  He's an arsehole, but I love him and I know that underneath all this bullshit picking fights with me he's not only a good guy, but that he loves me too.  We just cannot seem to get past the fights, most of which boil down to semantics.  Literally.

If I leave, I......well, I'm not going to go there.  I don't have good self-esteem right now (part of which is due to the constant and unending lack of compliments over the past 14 years) and I don't think that I'm worth much.  I mean, who's gonna want to be with short chubby little me?  I don't have a job, I have 3 kids.....I'm not exactly catch of the century.  Or even of the decade.

What a great Christmas this is turning out to be.

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